Eight Easy Steps to Become a Badass Horror Movie Killer!

Unless you’re insanely talented or have tons of money, there are times when life can get a little dull. There’s nothing wrong with it, we all have times when there’s nothing to do (and some of us find ourselves in these slumps more often than we’d like to admit). Maybe that’s one of the many reasons why horror films, or films in general, are so popular; because they provide us a way to escape our lives, albeit temporarily. So perhaps, during one of these life slumps, you catch yourself wondering what it would be like to be in the middle of the action. No one wants to be the one being hunted because it tends to involve quite a bit of cardio to survive so instead, why not step inside the large musty shoes of film’s scariest villains? Read on and I’ll tell you how.

1. Get Ignored


Jason Voorhees drowned because none of the camp Crystal Lake counselors were watching him. Well, that and the fact that he couldn’t swim. He then returned to kill off legions of horny teens over a plethora of progressively worse sequels. Was he able to manage such a feat because of his inability to die, or was it because he was ignored when he was a butt-ugly child, which gifted him with a passion to seek revenge? If you have a fondness for hockey masks or massive machetes, the route Jason took might just be the right path for you. If it isn’t, please do continue.

2. Get Burned


Well, I suppose you would actually have to become a pedophile, get caught, and then get burned, but I’m not sure what the policy is on Bloody-Disgusting for suggesting people try pedophilia (I’m pretty sure that sort of thing is frowned upon.) Krueger’s story is similar in that it’s based on revenge, so if you think Jason’s drowning is a bit of a girly way to start your mass murder marathon, getting burned alive is a much manlier way to go out I hear. If you’re looking to try something a little more severe, try step three.

3. Get Possessed


Not sure how someone would accomplish such a thing, it’s not like you can post an ad on Craigslist saying Mortal looking for Demonic possession: looking for a non-smoker, rent is free, includes utilities but if you do find a way to manage such a feat, getting possessed could be the right path for you. Unfortunately, possession hasn’t led to too many serial killers, outside of nutcases like Ronald DeFeo Jr. (who wasn’t possessed in the Regan MacNeil sense, but he did supposedly hear demonic voices), and they all seemed to have their murderous sprees cut short because of that whole `insanity’ thing. Add all that to the fact that their possession didn’t give them special abilities outside of projectile vomiting and scaring the hell out of people and there aren’t too many reasons to get inhabited by the Devil. So if you find vomiting to be a little icky, keep going.

4. Get Crazy


There’s a myriad psychopaths out there when it comes to scary movies; one of the more popular killers being Michael Myers. After many years of research my scientific observations have yielded the steps to getting your crazy back. First, you need to have a shitty childhood. If you were abused as a kid, that’s perfect, but if you were abused, had no friends, and hated the world because of this, that’s even better. The next step is to bottle up all these emotions for a few decades until one day the dam suddenly bursts and people realize you’re five flavors of crazy. Insanity can also lead to some fantastic twist endings, where (warning: here be spoilers) the protagonist can be revealed as the killer, as seen in High Tension. Being a psychopath is crucial to being a horror movie killer and it’s also quite possibly the most popular route, but if you like to carve your own path (pun intended) and stand out from the crowd, the next step is much easier.

5. Get Infected/Resurrected


You could be the sanest person around but all those buckets of sanity won’t help you when a zombie virus or hell spawn plague turns you into a mindless, vicious killer. Recently, this approach has become more popular because of the infection versus resurrection approach. Now it’s important to remember this plan can backfire on you. You might start off with the goal to become one of the mad, curb-stomp your face zombies from films like 28 Days Later, and end up turning into one of those pathetic, shuffling moaners we all grew up watching. No one wants that, because the latter is excruciatingly slow and tends to only become a threat when there’s a ton of them around (not a good thing for the anti-social zombies out there). So if you’re more of a lone gun type of soul, keep reading.

6. Get Money (and lots of it)


Easier said then done, you say? To which I’ll proclaim, shut it and move on to number seven. Now, the good thing about being rich, besides the heaps of jell-o orgies and pools filled with skittles I hear all rich people have, is the fact that you can work alone. Rich people who are a little on the eccentric side and have nothing better to do is the perfect formula for a great horror movie killer. Just ask Patrick Bateman who took the double-pronged approach and threw a little crazy on this strategy, and ended up having plenty of sex, gratuitous shower scenes, and lots of dismembering. Now, I realize not all of us are motivated enough to commit to all the work it takes to make a lot of money, so for those lazy individuals I suggest the next step.

7. Get Incarcerated


Sometimes you just don’t want to take the time out of your busy schedule to get rich, or maybe you’re simply not fond of the idea of being burned alive. So for those people, I suggest going to jail. I’m not talking about pulling a Lindsey Lohan and spending less than two hours behind bars, oh no sir. To really feel the effect prison has on one’s mind you’ll have to serve hard time. This approach has worked for a few serial killers, like Henry Lucas, who may or may not have killed upwards of forty people (though he implemented step four more than anything). Unfortunately for the killers out there, prison tends to be the end result rather than the cause, and jail certainly isn’t for everybody. So if you’re afraid you’ll drop the soap, try number eight.

8. Get Recruited


This is quite possibly the easiest step of them all because it requires very little actual work on your part. The more recent example of this comes from the Saw franchise, where our beloved Jigsaw used his velvety voice and dashing good looks to win over the heart of his victim Amanda Young as well as Lieutenant Mark D. Hoffman, the latter of which eventually went on to become Jigsaw’s successor. The only problem with this method is the movies have sucked since the third film. If you would rather slay people in potentially decent films you’ll have to try out one of the previous steps, or just move on to become something respectable like a teacher or a porn star.

Have you decided on your approach? You’re going with step four, right? I knew it. You have that crazy look inside those wee beady eyes of yours. If that’s not it, let me know what step you’re going to try out in the comments below, or if you find this article to be more than a little revolting you can instead let me know how I’ll be burning in hell for writing such an abomination. Either works.