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Best & Worst ’10: THEO’S BOTTOM 5 OF 2010

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If there is anything that I enjoy as much as a great horror film it is an entertainingly bad one. There is something charming, and often times engaging about a B-Horror film that is so outlandishly bad that it is, well, good. But unfortunately for the following 5 films on this list they were so mind numbingly, gut wrenchingly, and unapologetically bad that they couldn’t even achieve that status. You can paint a turd gold, but in the end it’s still a turd, and you can try and sell your movie with overly produced money shots in a series of halfhearted trailers, annoyingly intricate viral campaigns, or stuff it full of respectable industry icons…but ya ain’t fooling anybody. Your movie sucks. And I call B.S. Read on for the skinny…

Mr. Disgusting (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best/Worst) | David Harley (Best/Worst)
BC (Best/Worst) | Micah (Best/Worst) | Keenan (Best/Worst) | Theo (Best/Worst)
Best One Sheets | Worst One Sheets
Most Memorable Moments | Top Trailers | Memorable Quotes

THEO’S BOTTOM 5 OF 2010

5. 30 Days of Night: Dark Days (October 5; Sony Stage 6)


Back in 2007, when the film adaptation of Steve Niles’ illustrated cult classic “30 DAYS OF NIGHT” hit the big screen I considered it one of the best vampires flicks of the decade. The film was atmospheric, engaging, entertaining, and full of interesting character actors. (Here’s looking at you Ben Foster) But the 2010 direct to DVD follow-up was anything but, and the first red flag should have been the recasting of all of the first films key players. But instead of taking my own advice and avoiding the flick entirely I went out, got a pizza, fired up the Redbox, and took the surefire dud home with me. The results were plenty of eye rolling, my fair share of dozing off, and a healthy portion of “Why the fuck do I do this to myself?”.

4. My Soul to Take (October 9; Universal Pictures/Rogue)


I just about wish that I could leave this one off of here out of respect for Wes Craven alone, but when something is bad, it’s bad. I think that we were all hoping that the horror legends return (and debut in 3D. Yawn.) to the big screen with an original horror picture would be more akin to “SCREAM” than it would be “CURSED”. Unfortunately we weren’t so lucky, and if the terrible box office showing was any sort of barometer for the quality of the film itself, then it is safe to say that no one was buying into the hype. So now that only leaves one thing to be said: let’s just hope “SCREAM 4” isn’t as disappointing. Fingers crossed.

3. Case 39 (October 1; Paramount Pictures)


I’ll make the embarrassing confession that I actually spent money on not just ONE ticket to this incoherent mess from Misher Films, but TWO tickets as I blindly walked into a modestly inhabited theater one drizzly night this Fall with my girlfriend. I thought, as I bought these two tickets, “Hey, it has Ian McShane in it. He was in `DEADWOOD’. I loved him in that. How bad can it be?’. Boy, was I wrong. From the second we sat down there was not one 5 minute period that myself and my date didn’t look over at one another and contemplate ditching the wasted $20 endeavor entirely and going to the nearest greasy diner in order to hopefully blow an artery and forget the entire 109(!!!) minute long snooze fest. Sadly, we sat through every second. And THAT my friends might just be even more embarrassing a feat than spending the money on the tickets in the first place.

2. A Nightmare on Elm Street (April 30; New Line Cinema)


Oh Sam Bayer…what more can be said about your soulless, heartless, master class in how to butcher a fan beloved classic franchise that hasn’t already been said? I’ll be honest: you had me fooled. You actually had me sitting down in a crowded theater at midnight on a Thursday evening, (9 hours before I had to be into work I might add) with an overpriced combo #3, and my vintage Freddy t-shirt on my back, ready to watch what I thought would be a disappointing, but passable attempt to reinvent Craven’s 80s classic. Unfortunately what I got was shoddy FX, a mind numbingly boring Rooney Mara, and enough plot holes to make even the most embarrassed members of the BP board blush. You didn’t help yourself with your unapologetic comments about your clusterfuck mess of a film to fans afterwards, and I can honestly say that the ONLY good thing to come out of that theater going experience was buying both Fright-Rags `Dream Editions’ from my phone during the movie.

1. The Graves (January 29; After Dark Films)


And then there is Afterdark Horror Fest’s stinker to rule all Afterdark Horror Fest stinkers – “THE GRAVES”. Everything from the high school drama club caliber acting, to the paper-thin `plot’, combined to make for one of the absolute worst Redbox rentals I have ever bared witness to. Never before have I regretted so harshly a decision to spend a hard earned dollar on a film that could have just as easily gone to buying a delicious double cheeseburger had I just walked the extra 20 feet to the counter at my local McDonalds. But alas, there was no going back, and even with a handful of cameos from some genre icons I simply cannot be any more harsh on this film. “THE GRAVES” sucks. Period. And if you find a copy of this at your local rental store or Best Buy I implore you to `drop’ it on the floor `on accident’ and treat it like you would a cockroach you found crawling around your pantry, because that is the only enjoyment to be had from this stinker.

Editorials

‘A Haunted House’ and the Death of the Horror Spoof Movie

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Due to a complex series of anthropological mishaps, the Wayans Brothers are a huge deal in Brazil. Around these parts, White Chicks is considered a national treasure by a lot of people, so it stands to reason that Brazilian audiences would continue to accompany the Wayans’ comedic output long after North America had stopped taking them seriously as comedic titans.

This is the only reason why I originally watched Michael Tiddes and Marlon Wayans’ 2013 horror spoof A Haunted House – appropriately known as “Paranormal Inactivity” in South America – despite having abandoned this kind of movie shortly after the excellent Scary Movie 3. However, to my complete and utter amazement, I found myself mostly enjoying this unhinged parody of Found Footage films almost as much as the iconic spoofs that spear-headed the genre during the 2000s. And with Paramount having recently announced a reboot of the Scary Movie franchise, I think this is the perfect time to revisit the divisive humor of A Haunted House and maybe figure out why this kind of film hasn’t been popular in a long time.

Before we had memes and internet personalities to make fun of movie tropes for free on the internet, parody movies had been entertaining audiences with meta-humor since the very dawn of cinema. And since the genre attracted large audiences without the need for a serious budget, it made sense for studios to encourage parodies of their own productions – which is precisely what happened with Miramax when they commissioned a parody of the Scream franchise, the original Scary Movie.

The unprecedented success of the spoof (especially overseas) led to a series of sequels, spin-offs and rip-offs that came along throughout the 2000s. While some of these were still quite funny (I have a soft spot for 2008’s Superhero Movie), they ended up flooding the market much like the Guitar Hero games that plagued video game stores during that same timeframe.

You could really confuse someone by editing this scene into Paranormal Activity.

Of course, that didn’t stop Tiddes and Marlon Wayans from wanting to make another spoof meant to lampoon a sub-genre that had been mostly overlooked by the Scary Movie series – namely the second wave of Found Footage films inspired by Paranormal Activity. Wayans actually had an easier time than usual funding the picture due to the project’s Found Footage presentation, with the format allowing for a lower budget without compromising box office appeal.

In the finished film, we’re presented with supposedly real footage recovered from the home of Malcom Johnson (Wayans). The recordings themselves depict a series of unexplainable events that begin to plague his home when Kisha Davis (Essence Atkins) decides to move in, with the couple slowly realizing that the difficulties of a shared life are no match for demonic shenanigans.

In practice, this means that viewers are subjected to a series of familiar scares subverted by wacky hijinks, with the flick featuring everything from a humorous recreation of the iconic fan-camera from Paranormal Activity 3 to bizarre dance numbers replacing Katy’s late-night trances from Oren Peli’s original movie.

Your enjoyment of these antics will obviously depend on how accepting you are of Wayans’ patented brand of crass comedy. From advanced potty humor to some exaggerated racial commentary – including a clever moment where Malcom actually attempts to move out of the titular haunted house because he’s not white enough to deal with the haunting – it’s not all that surprising that the flick wound up with a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes despite making a killing at the box office.

However, while this isn’t my preferred kind of humor, I think the inherent limitations of Found Footage ended up curtailing the usual excesses present in this kind of parody, with the filmmakers being forced to focus on character-based comedy and a smaller scale story. This is why I mostly appreciate the love-hate rapport between Kisha and Malcom even if it wouldn’t translate to a healthy relationship in real life.

Of course, the jokes themselves can also be pretty entertaining on their own, with cartoony gags like the ghost getting high with the protagonists (complete with smoke-filled invisible lungs) and a series of silly The Exorcist homages towards the end of the movie. The major issue here is that these legitimately funny and genre-specific jokes are often accompanied by repetitive attempts at low-brow humor that you could find in any other cheap comedy.

Not a good idea.

Not only are some of these painfully drawn out “jokes” incredibly unfunny, but they can also be remarkably offensive in some cases. There are some pretty insensitive allusions to sexual assault here, as well as a collection of secondary characters defined by negative racial stereotypes (even though I chuckled heartily when the Latina maid was revealed to have been faking her poor English the entire time).

Cinephiles often claim that increasingly sloppy writing led to audiences giving up on spoof movies, but the fact is that many of the more beloved examples of the genre contain some of the same issues as later films like A Haunted House – it’s just that we as an audience have (mostly) grown up and are now demanding more from our comedy. However, this isn’t the case everywhere, as – much like the Elves from Lord of the Rings – spoof movies never really died, they simply diminished.

A Haunted House made so much money that they immediately started working on a second one that released the following year (to even worse reviews), and the same team would later collaborate once again on yet another spoof, 50 Shades of Black. This kind of film clearly still exists and still makes a lot of money (especially here in Brazil), they just don’t have the same cultural impact that they used to in a pre-social-media-humor world.

At the end of the day, A Haunted House is no comedic masterpiece, failing to live up to the laugh-out-loud thrills of films like Scary Movie 3, but it’s also not the trainwreck that most critics made it out to be back in 2013. Comedy is extremely subjective, and while the raunchy humor behind this flick definitely isn’t for everyone, I still think that this satirical romp is mostly harmless fun that might entertain Found Footage fans that don’t take themselves too seriously.

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