Coming out this Friday, New Line’s Final Destination 5 (official website) is the latest sequel in the horror franchise that with every entry sees a new set of unlucky characters ripped, shredded, maimed, burned, stabbed, beheaded, disemboweled, and generally tormented by that most relentless of all movie killers: Death itself.
In anticipation of the film’s release, I’ve compiled a list of my choices for the top kills from the last four movies, each of which I’ve embedded a clip of for your viewing pleasure. So enjoy – and when you’re finished reading through my list, be sure to let us know in the comments what your favorites are!
So let’s cut the crap, shall we? The fun of the FD films is the opportunity they afford us in watching a bunch of good-looking actors die in unimaginably gruesome ways. I ask you: in what other franchise have you seen Seann William Scott’s head sliced in half by a sharp sliver of flying metal? Or Ali Larter’s face instantaneously broiled by an explosion? I rest my case.
As with anyone, of course, I can’t help but play favorites, so in honor of the release of the fifth entry, coming out this Friday, I culled through every single FD kill scene on YouTube to come up with my top pick from each installment. Look, it’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it.
Victim: Ms. Lewton (Kristen Cloke)
Cause of Death: Impaled by a kitchen knife
Though the first movie suffered a bit from post-Scream “self-aware-itis”, it’s still my favorite of the series. The deaths weren’t quite as gruesome, sure, but in my opinion it gave us the best set of characters in any FD movie to date.
Not that it didn’t feature some pretty neat kill scenes, my favorite being the unfortunate chain of events that result in the death of teacher Valerie Lewton (Get it? Val Lewton? Ha!). Not only is the nifty Rube Goldberg aspect of the series in full force here, but having the entire ugly spectacle soundtracked to her mom’s favorite John Denver record is just beyond cruel.
Victim: Brian Gibbons
Cause of Death: Blown apart by an exploding barbeque
The main strength of FD2 lies in the inventiveness of the kills, so I’m a bit ashamed to say that my favorite death in the film involves a gag at the end where a kid is instantly incinerated by a freak barbeque explosion.
But I can’t help it. When a mother witnesses the death of her child in real life, it’s horrifying. When a mother witnesses the death of her child in the movies, it’s still pretty horrifying. When a mother witnesses the death of her child in the movies and then his flaming, severed arm lands on her dinner plate, that shit is funny.
Victims: Ashley Freund (Chelan Simmons), Ashlyn Halperin (Crystal Lowe)
Cause of Death: Roasted alive in tanning beds
My favorite deaths of the entire series thus far are those of Ashley and Ashlyn, best friends who go for a little indoor tanning session and come out, shall we say, a few shades darker than they intended.
What makes this particular bit so fantastic for me is that I live in L.A., and you can’t throw a rock without hitting some crazy, narcissistic bitch just like these girls. So sue me if I happen to enjoy watching two fictional characters modeled off of this totally warranted stereotype catching fire and screaming in agony. Besides, aren’t the movies all about wish fulfillment?
Victim: Hunt Wynorski (Nick Zano)
Cause of Death: Sucked through a swimming pool drain
This, friends, is why I’m scared shitless of pool drains. If you ever find yourself tempted to sit on one for whatever stupid reason, don’t. If it’s cracked or broken, it will suck your insides out through your ass.
While I’d have to say the most painful death imaginable probably involves some combination of fire and an intestinal crank, Hunt’s death ranks pretty high up there as one of the scariest. Imagine: you’re stuck at the bottom of a public pool, drowning, your entire body being sucked through a drain about the size of a baseball, and to top it all off you’re swallowing water made up of about 29% urine. Really, does it get any worse?
Victim & Cause of Death: Watch the trailer and tell us what “death” you’re looking forward to the most!
‘Final Destination 5’ comes out nationwide on Friday, August 12th.