This year totally sucked, but in all honesty it wasn’t that bad. Usually my “worst of” list requires me to thin out my selections and dump a handful under “dishonorable mentions.” Even looking back through my selections I don’t feel a burning sensation inside, at least not until I get to the bottom of the list. The fact is, this year was loaded with mediocre horror, with a few cinematic abortions trickled in here and there. I think the most disappointing aspect of the following list is that I was forced to include two television series, which is thankfully canceled out by FX’s mind-bogglingly incredible “American Horror Story”.
But when it comes to the big screen, I actually pondered the possibility of making it just a special feature on the “single worst film of 2011”. One flick is such a soulless, putrid piece of garbage that it deserves to be kicked while it’s down.
I had to stop myself, because that’s just mean-spirited (and it’s the holidays!), so without further adieu you’ll find my list of the worst horror in 2011. Let 2012 be better, please.
From bad hairpieces to some of the worst CGI I have ever witnessed, every inch of the movie is infected with bad decisions that spread throughout each and every frame.
While the latest genre offering from 28 Weeks Later director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo starts off strong, it inevitably breaks the number one rule of horror: make sure it’s not all a dream. The movie spirals into the abyss of sh*t so deep that there’s just no way back.
I’m sure many of you expected me to place this #1 on this year’s list, but frankly, it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever seen. The movie builds well and has a well thought-out theme, but, it ultimately becomes a bumbling, incoherent mess that lacks both scares and tension. Even the action sequence is poorly shot and a bore. If anything, Red State is forgettable.
Featuring an unnecessarily massive scope, this even more pointless remake does nothing to further the story of Charlie Brewster and his vampire neighbor. Colin Farrell is the strongest aspect of this redo, but everything is hampered by a long-in-the-tooth story and absolutely despicable CGI work (especially when everything on set was practical). Again, it has it’s moments, but ultimately it’s another pointless remake.
Celebrated due to the talent involved, the anthology suffers from misplaced segments, length and a short that’s so bad it deserves it’s own place on the top 10 worst films of all time. Feeling almost exactly the same as Evan Dickson (read his review), Tim Sullivan’s “I Was A Teenage Werebear” is jammed right in the middle of the feature bringing everything to a screeching halt. It’s long, poorly shot and impossibly boring. It becomes difficult to enjoy anything that comes after as I was already checked out. Even with the removal of Sullivan’s segment, I can’t say I loved the film (although it would not have made this list, that’s for sure). Adam Rifkin’s hilariously entertaining “Wadzilla” is the strongest aspect of Chillerama making the rest of the feature a steady decline. Although, it’s kind of impossible to know how I would have felt about Adam Green and Joe Lynch’s sections had “Werebear” not completely removed me from the experience.
If anything, Apollo 18 lacks creative intensity. It’s a very lazy attempt at bringing terror to the moon. In fact, it’s not even scary, unless of course you consider a sleeping dude opening his eyes and yelling into the camera frightening…
Cowboys & Aliens is a bland, faceless, callow, moronic, poorly assembled action movie that felt more like playing with plastic Cowboys and Indians than shooting an actual gun.
It is with great displeasure in reporting back that Twixt is an absolutely horrible film. The 3-D experience is beyond pointless, and no matter how many edited versions Coppola has up his sleeve it can’t be salvaged. Twixt a bland, cheesy, poorly shot snoozer that’s not even fun as a midnight movie.
As a lifelong horror fan I find Exorcismus to be one of the most insulting films of all time. From my perspective, director Manuel Carballo and writer David Muñoz act as if they can do better than The Exorcist, lifting ideas and imagery from the classic film, and then mudding them down with horrible camerawork and even worse character development. I’d like to welcome this disaster to my personal list of the worst horror films ever made. Complete garbage. IFC should be ashamed that they’d even put their name on this crapfest.
Every year there seems to be a new poster child for the anti-remake campaign. While I’m personally not against remakes, I do attest a bad movie. The Thing is such a bad movie it will actually induce rage. Everything that was great about the 1982 version (it was a small, claustrophobic film with strong characters and awesome special effects) is ignored in this 2011 crap that’s nothing more than a boring CGI promo-reel. Universal’s new The Thing already looks more dated than Carpenter’s. Therefore, The Thing may also top the list of pointless remakes (or re-remakes).
On the opposite side of The Thing comes an indie slasher that’s equally as terrible. Having the audacity to believe its worthy of a 1,500 theater release, I truly hate this film with all of my might. I don’t believe in kicking a dog when it’s down, but I wish I could kick Fred M. Andrews’ film until it’s unrecognizable. It’s so bad that even one of the characters points out just how stupid it is…
Those of you who read the site on daily basis watched as I slowly descended into madness. I caught a lot of slack from you dear readers after I scathed at the lackluster first season of “The Walking Dead”. What’s unclear is just how big of a fan I am of Robert Kirkman’s comic series, and that of AMC’s powerful dramas (“Breaking Bad” and “Mad Men”). “The Walking Dead” doesn’t even come close to reaching the bar of excellence I expect from AMC. With the second season surrounded by controversy, I was nervous, but still hopeful that the exit of Frank Darabont would bring about a new era of the undead. I was wrong. With half of the season come and gone, there’s nothing to show for it. We watched a boy get shot, a mother get pregers, and another mother cries for her missing child (that goes on for way too may episodes). BORING.
But the bane of my existence is HBO’s “True Blood”, a series that went from my favorite to putrid garbage in the matter of a season. The fourth incarnation of the vampire series followed down the path of “Heroes” taking away all mystery and all magic from the characters, while turning their attention completely to the female demographic and ignoring their initial male supporters. I’ll save my breath because this horse sh*t isn’t worth it. Instead, read my previous rant here.
Dishonorable Mentions: New Line Cinema kicked off 2011 with The Rite, a terrible rip-ff of The Exorcist. It was bland and tasteless. I’m still shocked at the love Stake Land is receiving. While the scope was massive and the SFX were cool, the movie itself was horrendous. It was a complete bore with faceless characters. Just because there are a couple of cool scenes does NOT make a good movie — it makes cool scenes. Produced by the director of Splice and Cube, 388 Arletta Avenue is a completely generic home invasion thriller with a found footage spin. Thus, it’s a generic found footage thriller. Yawn. Universal’s Dream House is a ’90s remix of bad twists that’s nearly two hours of exposition. Your time is better spent going to the dentist (brush your teeth more, you’re disgusting).