I don’t know much about the Devil in the traditional sense. I haven’t been to Catholic school, I don’t think I’ve been baptized or confirmed. I’m, at my most optimistic, an agnostic. But I do believe in being possessed by The Devil. I’ll explain why in a second.
Tangentially, I also believe in The Devil’s Due, which is now available on DigitalHD (it hits Blu-ray on April 29th). You can read my review here. I dig the directors, Radio Silence, and I particularly like how the last act of the film builds on the gory promise they showed in V/H/S. So, while this is indeed a sponsored tie-in with that film, it’s a film I’m more than happy to support.
I don’t necessarily know exact how accurate my assessments are, but let’s have at it!
Head below for 5 Signs You Are Being Possessed By The Devil!!
1: You Let A Shady Cab Driver Take You To A Satanic Ritual
Let’s say you’re an otherwise smart, upper middle-class couple with a decent head on your shoulders. You’ve just gotten married. The world is at your fingertips. Letting a cab driver take you to a shady club in a foreign country, even if its for free, is pretty dumb. There must be some demonic force already at work to make you do such a thing.
2: You Crave Raw Meat
I eat a lot of meat. I’m trying to eat less, but it’s hard when I’ve just found all of these new BBQ restaurants in my neighborhood. That being said, eating raw meat – especially when pregnant – is a bad move, even to this heavily carnivorous writer. Is the Devil even a demon? I’m pretty sure he is. Though I’m even more sure that eating raw meat while pregnant is not in that Dr. Spock book. Thank God we can afford that book now.
3: You’re Telekinetic
While telekinesis isn’t always a sign of being possessed by the Devil, here it is because this is a movie about demonic cults, Devil worshippers and kids that, more likely than not, will grow up to be fairly familiar with Satan himself. If I was telekinetic I would use it to print money somehow.
4: You Punch Out The Windows Of Inconsiderate Drivers
I hate it when cars almost hit me. I hate it even more when they DO hit me. And if they hit my pregnant wife, I’d lost my sh*t. Unless my pregnant wife was possessed by the Devil or something and could practically disassemble the car with her bare hands. Luckily I’ve just ensured that all of our bills are paid and I can cover the deductible on the insurance!
5: You Make Your Priest Have A Stroke
Let’s face it. Strokes are common. But so are priests so no worries! Still, making one almost bleed out in front of a bunch of little kids isn’t very ladylike. In fact, it’s Devil-like. I’d say you’re possessed by the Devil in this case. Either that or you are *very* hot. But again, all your bases are covered for the month so send your husband over there with some expensive roses to get the real skinny on your condition.
AROUND THE WEB
this week in horror
This Week in Horror - November 6, 2017 - Pet Sematary, Horror ...
Starry Eyes duo Dennis Widmyer and Kevin Kolsch will take over the Pet Sematary Remake, 2017 was the best year for horror movies ever, and James O'Barr will be heavily involved in the upcoming The Crow film. It's THIS WEEK IN HORROR with Whitney Moore!Posted by Bloody Disgusting on Tuesday, November 7, 2017