Editorials
TV’s Best and Worst Moments/Episodes in 2014
Horror TV has been on a huge upswing for the past couple of years. Us horror fans are getting more shows aimed at us than we know what to do with! Try as I might, I haven’t been able to watch every genre show that airs, but I try to watch as much as I can. So take this list below as my personal analysis of my favorite (and least favorite) TV moments throughout the year. I probably missed some of your favorites (sorry Walking Dead fans!) but since I can’t watch every show on TV, feel free to list some of your favorite moments from the past year. I tried to find as many clips as I could of the scenes I was describing, but alas, not everything is available on YouTube. Needless to say, I do delve into spoilers below so you’ve been warned.
Best TV Moments
Bates Motel – Norma Kisses Norman
I’m still not 100% into Bates Motel. Don’t get me wrong, I like it just fine and accept it for what it is (a melodramatic soap opera), but I still don’t have that “I need to watch the next episode NOW” feeling that I get with other shows. It is better than I would have expected a TV prequel of Psycho to be, though. That being said, Season 2 of the drama got off to a slow start (marijuana dealers plot line, anyone?) but it ended up in a great place that I think could lead to a potentially fantastic third season. The cringe-worthy (and best) moment came after Norman decided to head into the woods and end his life with a gunshot to the head (over guild from murdering his teacher Ms. Watson). Unfortunately for Norman, his mother Norma followed him and stopped him from committing suicide, and then proceeded to kiss him in a way that was, let’s say a bit more sexual than a mother should be when she kisses her child. It probably sounds weird for me to say that I enjoyed this scene, since I’m not into incest or anything, but this was the show’s water-cooler moment if there ever was one.
Penny Dreadful – The Séance
Talk about a slow burn. Penny Dreadful has one of the most interesting narratives of any TV show I’ve ever seen. Based on the pilot alone, it is clear that the destination is not what’s important with this show, but rather the journey instead. Penny Dreadful takes its sweet time getting to the point, and at first I was a little bored but after a while I became mesmerized by how beautiful it was. That pretty much changed after t he second episode, appropriately titled Séance. If Eva Green doesn’t get an Emmy nomination next year (and let’s face it, she probably won’t) it will be a sad day for TV indeed. All of the performances are top notch, but Green nearly steals every scene she is in. Her tour de force performance in the second episode involves her character becoming possessed at the titular event and it’s phenomenal. Take a look at the clip above and tell me I’m lying.
The Strain – Bolivar Loses His Manhood
The Strain certainly had its ups and downs during its first season, didn’t it? I read the trilogy (written together by Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan) and thought it was alright, if a little poorly written (I prefer Justin Cronins Passage trilogy) but definitely saw potential for a good TV show. I believe The Strain would have benefited from a 10-episode season. Just my opinion though. One thing The Strain did very well, though, was the horror. While it could never really land the personal moments or make me feel sympathetic towards some of the characters (Nora), it did horror very well. One such jaw-dropping moment was when Bolivar lost his penis in the toilet. It was darkly humorous and definitely one of the most memorable moments on TV this year.
Stalker – Pilot
I’m just going to put this out there: Stalker is infinitely better than Kevin Williamson’s other TV show, The Following. More on that particular topic later, but I can tell you that I have really enjoyed it. I’ve read countless articles calling it the worst new show of the season and I just disagree. It is not amazing, but it is certainly not terrible or misogynistic. Maggie Q is all kinds of awesome (anyone who watched Nikita knows this) and Dylan McDermott is fine. Williamson does copy himself a lot on the show (the opening scene of the pilot is very reminiscent of several different scenes from his Scream series) but it doesn’t stop it from being enjoyable. So while there isn’t really a specific moment that I can pinpoint in Stalker, I can say that it’s definitely good for a procedural on CBS and you could do a lot worse nowadays on TV.
Hannibal – Mason Verger Cutting Face Off/Beverly Katz’s Murder/Finale
I will be the first to admit that I thought making a TV series of Thomas Harris’ infamous book series was a terrible idea. I did not think there was any way in Hell that it could possibly be any good, especially since it airs on NBC. Well I’m eating my words because Hannibal has become one of my favorite shows currently (thank God!) on the air. I know this is something we have already pointed out on this site, but it is one of the most visually appealing and emotionally satisfying shows out there and it’s also insanely grotesque. I feel like every episode I am amazed at some of the violence they get away with (the man ripping his skin off while breaking away from the mural of dead bodies is one of the more memorable moments). Season 2 outdid Season 1 in every way imaginable. The first major turning point was Katz’s murder. When Crawford finds her vivisected (think the horse in The Cell), it’s definitely shocking to say the least. Then you have Michael Pitt’s Mason Verger CUTTING OFF HIS FACE on network television. Sure, it was in the shadows, but you could still see (and hear) it. Then of course you have the finale. I’m so glad we’re getting a 3rd season because that was a brutal way to end the season. Bravo NBC! Great job Bryan Fuller! You’ve won me over.
WORST TV
Rosemary’s Baby – The Whole Thing
I don’t really have much to say about this TV special except that it was completely unnecessary. It would be different if it was unnecessary and good, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t awful. It was just generic, which is something a remake of a classic should never be. A TV mini-series probably isn’t the best choice for this property though. Did NBC learn nothing from 2002’s Carrie?
The Following – Joe Is Still Alive
This show, man. I really wanted to like it. I pretty much had to force myself to make it through the first season and then I just gave up a few episodes into the second season. The Following is so dumb. It’s full of the dumbest characters I have ever seen on TV and the police force is completely inept. The villains aren’t just unlikable, they’re annoying. I get that we aren’t supposed to like the villains, but I can’t even stand to watch them and that makes for bad TV in my opinion. The biggest mistake the show made was bringing Joe Carroll back for the second season. Now, I know those of you who do like the show will cry out “it wouldn’t be ‘the following’ without Joe to follow!” but I think the show really should have reinvented itself after “killing off” Joe. That being said, it clearly has its fans so I’ve got to give it that. I just really can’t stand this show and I think it needs to be removed from TV.
True Blood – Tara’s Death
I always gave True Blood the benefit of the doubt. When it premiered in 2008 it was THE show to be watching. Season 2 was the peak of its success and Season 3 wavered a bit. I enjoyed Season 4 but that seems to be when people really started losing interest. Season 5 was terrible and Season 6 was slightly better, but not by much. Then Season 7 happened. This had to be one of the laziest seasons of TV I have ever seen in my life. I think the writers just gave up at a certain point. It was clear that this was going to be an unsatisfying ending for the once-promising series when Tara was dispatched off-screen in the opening moments of the premiere (and then we were treated to a full-season arc for her mother, Lettie Mae, a character no one cares about). Tara had some problematic characterization throughout True Blood’s seven seasons, starting as a strong, empowering character in the first season and then becoming whiny and obnoxious in seasons 2-4. Finally, the writers gave her a break and turned her into a vampire, but then chose to insult their audience by giving her about 15 seconds of screen time before killing her off screen. I know they were trying to show viewers that “anyone could die” but at least give a major character a major death. What a waste. To top it all off, the rest of the season sucked and had one of the worst finales I have ever seen. Also, sorry for the video above, but both of the YouTube videos of Tara’s death had embedding disabled by the “creator.”
Ravenswood – Pilot
I predict I’ll get a lot of flack for even including this on the list, but I assure you that it has a lot of horror elements. Ravenswood, for those of you who don’t know, is the supernatural spin-off of ABC Family’s hit TV show Pretty Little Liars. I confess, I do watch and occasionally enjoy Pretty Little Liars. It’s pure soapy fun and pays homage to horror films all the time (the second season finale is essentially the plot of Psycho and actually lifts scenes right from the film). Ravenswood was boring. And if any of you watch PLL (thought I’m betting many of you don’t so I’ll keep this short), you know it’s not boring. Ravenswood tried to be mysterious and spooky (and even killed off a main character in the second episode, only to have her stay on the show as a ghost) but just failed in all aspects.
American Horror Story: Coven – Finale
I have a love/hate relationship with Ryan Murphy (as I’m sure many of you do). I thought Murder House was alright but nothing special. I fell in love with Asylum, which I thought is the only season to embody the “horror” in the show’s title. But then Coven came along. I was so ready for it and devoured every (amazing) casting announcement made for it. The premiere was alright but that led the way to the worst season the show has ever done (I’m still not fully caught up on Freakshow so I can’t speak for that season). It just seemed like the writers didn’t have any outline written when they began the season because the plot lines when nowhere, great actresses were wasted (looking at you Patti LuPone). Characters were killed and resurrected so many times that death held no stakes whatsoever, but nothing could compare to the awful finale of Coven. I did not care who the Supreme was. I especially didn’t want it to be the mystery that the whole season was wrapped around. It ended up not even being very interesting (and it was pretty obvious it was going to be Sara Paulson’s character). Kathy Bates and Angela Basset were not really used to their full potential and the racial commentary was so over the top it was obnoxious. For some reason, people seem to like this season the best (and hate Asylum) and I will never understand why. I have just come to accept that I’m in the minority. Do you agree or disagree with me?
So that’s my thoughts on this past year of horror TV. Like I said in the beginning, I’m sure I missed one of your favorite (or least favorite) moments so feel free to comment on some of yours below!
Twice a month Joe Lipsett will dissect a new Amityville Horror film to explore how the “franchise” has evolved in increasingly ludicrous directions. This is “The Amityville IP.”
A bizarre recurring issue with the Amityville “franchise” is that the films tend to be needlessly complicated. Back in the day, the first sequels moved away from the original film’s religious-themed haunted house storyline in favor of streamlined, easily digestible concepts such as “haunted lamp” or “haunted mirror.”
As the budgets plummeted and indie filmmakers capitalized on the brand’s notoriety, it seems the wrong lessons were learned. Runtimes have ballooned past the 90-minute mark and the narratives are often saggy and unfocused.
Both issues are clearly on display in Amityville Karen (2022), a film that starts off rough, but promising, and ends with a confused whimper.
The promise is embodied by the tinge of self-awareness in Julie Anne Prescott (The Amityville Harvest)’s screenplay, namely the nods to John Waters’ classic 1994 satire, Serial Mom. In that film, Beverly Sutphin (an iconic Kathleen Turner) is a bored, white suburban woman who punished individuals who didn’t adhere to her rigid definition of social norms. What is “Karen” but a contemporary equivalent?
In director/actor Shawn C. Phillips’ film, Karen (Lauren Francesca) is perpetually outraged. In her introductory scenes, she makes derogatory comments about immigrants, calls a female neighbor a whore, and nearly runs over a family blocking her driveway. She’s a broad, albeit familiar persona; in many ways, she’s less of a character than a caricature (the living embodiment of the name/meme).
These early scenes also establish a fairly straightforward plot. Karen is a code enforcement officer with plans to shut down a local winery she has deemed disgusting. They’re preparing for a big wine tasting event, which Karen plans to ruin, but when she steals a bottle of cursed Amityville wine, it activates her murderous rage and goes on a killing spree.
Simple enough, right?
Unfortunately, Amityville Karen spins out of control almost immediately. At nearly every opportunity, Prescott’s screenplay eschews narrative cohesion and simplicity in favour of overly complicated developments and extraneous characters.
Take, for example, the wine tasting event. The film spends an entire day at the winery: first during the day as a band plays, then at a beer tasting (???) that night. Neither of these events are the much touted wine-tasting, however; that is actually a private party happening later at server Troy (James Duval)’s house.
Weirdly though, following Troy’s death, the party’s location is inexplicably moved to Karen’s house for the climax of the film, but the whole event plays like an afterthought and features a litany of characters we have never met before.
This is a recurring issue throughout Amityville Karen, which frequently introduces random characters for a scene or two. Karen is typically absent from these scenes, which makes them feel superfluous and unimportant. When the actress is on screen, the film has an anchor and a narrative drive. The scenes without her, on the other hand, feel bloated and directionless (blame editor Will Collazo Jr., who allows these moments to play out interminably).
Compounding the issue is that the majority of the actors are non-professionals and these scenes play like poorly performed improv. The result is long, dull stretches that features bad actors talking over each other, repeating the same dialogue, and generally doing nothing to advance the narrative or develop the characters.
While Karen is one-note and histrionic throughout the film, at least there’s a game willingness to Francesca’s performance. It feels appropriately campy, though as the film progresses, it becomes less and less clear if Amityville Karen is actually in on the joke.
Like Amityville Cop before it, there are legit moments of self-awareness (the Serial Mom references), but it’s never certain how much of this is intentional. Take, for example, Karen’s glaringly obvious wig: it unconvincingly fails to conceal Francesca’s dark hair in the back, but is that on purpose or is it a technical error?
Ultimately there’s very little to recommend about Amityville Karen. Despite the game performance by its lead and the gentle homages to Serial Mom’s prank call and white shoes after Labor Day jokes, the never-ending improv scenes by non-professional actors, the bloated screenplay, and the jittery direction by Phillips doom the production.
Clocking in at an insufferable 100 minutes, Amityville Karen ranks among the worst of the “franchise,” coming in just above Phillips’ other entry, Amityville Hex.
The Amityville IP Awards go to…
- Favorite Subplot: In the afternoon event, there’s a self-proclaimed “hot boy summer” band consisting of burly, bare-chested men who play instruments that don’t make sound (for real, there’s no audio of their music). There’s also a scheming manager who is skimming money off the top, but that’s not as funny.
- Least Favorite Subplot: For reasons that don’t make any sense, the winery is also hosting a beer tasting which means there are multiple scenes of bartender Alex (Phillips) hoping to bring in women, mistakenly conflating a pint of beer with a “flight,” and goading never before seen characters to chug. One of them describes the beer as such: “It looks like a vampire menstruating in a cup” (it’s a gold-colored IPA for the record, so…no).
- Amityville Connection: The rationale for Karen’s killing spree is attributed to Amityville wine, whose crop was planted on cursed land. This is explained by vino groupie Annie (Jennifer Nangle) to band groupie Bianca (Lilith Stabs). It’s a lot of nonsense, but it is kind of fun when Annie claims to “taste the damnation in every sip.”
- Neverending Story: The film ends with an exhaustive FIVE MINUTE montage of Phillips’ friends posing as reporters in front of terrible green screen discussing the “killer Karen” story. My kingdom for Amityville’s regular reporter Peter Sommers (John R. Walker) to return!
- Best Line 1: Winery owner Dallas (Derek K. Long), describing Karen: “She’s like a walking constipation with a hemorrhoid”
- Best Line 2: Karen, when a half-naked, bleeding woman emerges from her closet: “Is this a dream? This dream is offensive! Stop being naked!”
- Best Line 3: Troy, upset that Karen may cancel the wine tasting at his house: “I sanded that deck for days. You don’t just sand a deck for days and then let someone shit on it!”
- Worst Death: Karen kills a Pool Boy (Dustin Clingan) after pushing his head under water for literally 1 second, then screeches “This is for putting leaves on my plants!”
- Least Clear Death(s): The bodies of a phone salesman and a barista are seen in Karen’s closet and bathroom, though how she killed them are completely unclear
- Best Death: Troy is stabbed in the back of the neck with a bottle opener, which Karen proceeds to crank
- Wannabe Lynch: After drinking the wine, Karen is confronted in her home by Barnaby (Carl Solomon) who makes her sign a crude, hand drawn blood contract and informs her that her belly is “pregnant from the juices of his grapes.” Phillips films Barnaby like a cross between the unhoused man in Mulholland Drive and the Mystery Man in Lost Highway. It’s interesting, even if the character makes absolutely no sense.
- Single Image Summary: At one point, a random man emerges from the shower in a towel and excitedly poops himself. This sequence perfectly encapsulates the experience of watching Amityville Karen.
- Pray for Joe: Many of these folks will be back in Amityville Shark House and Amityville Webcam, so we’re not out of the woods yet…
Next time: let’s hope Christmas comes early with 2022’s Amityville Christmas Vacation. It was the winner of Fangoria’s Best Amityville award, after all!
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