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Pitch Black is Back, Y’all

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Pitch Black is back, just as the prophecy foretold.

On July 7, 2011, I published what may very well be the finest 1,256 words I’ve ever written. It was a love letter review of an elusive new flavor of Dew inspired by the woefully underappreciated black grape and infused with the essence of Halloween. That Dew was Mountain Dew Pitch Black.

This is the first soda to earn my fear and my respect. I fear it because of what it did to me one crisp autumn morning back in 2012. It was a Wednesday I’ll never forget. My very own Pitch Black Wednesday.

The day before the horrific incident, an exceptional friend of mine had gifted me two twelve packs of the tasty beverage, earning a place in my heart forever and ever. I plowed through half the cans in no time at all, then, it happened. I had to pee super bad. Like, Jim Carrey in a dog-shaped van bad.

I made it to the bathroom with minimal seepage, like a professional adult, and proceeded to hastily uncoil the beast so I could begin. It didn’t take long for me to realize he was spitting out a sickly green sewage water that lacked the subtle luminescence and warm amber hues I usually see. I came frighteningly close to being traumatized for life that day had I not acted fast and sought answers on Google.

I’m better now, but I am still pretty shaken up about it.

The reason I’m telling you this is so you can better understand what this supremely satisfying soda means to me, as well as what it could mean to you, if you open the still-functioning (for now) arteries of your heart to it.

Mountain Dew Pitch Black is as much a proprietary blend of chemicals and sugar designed by a team of scientists wearing Dew branded lab coats as you and I are people-shaped skin bags filled with meat. It’s so much more than the sum of its parts, just like us. It’s what I imagine Charlie Sheen’s tiger blood tastes like, only better. It’s so delicious, thousands of black grapes willingly volunteer themselves to be drained of their precious juices so they can be reborn as the greatest of mankind’s carbonated inventions.

Prince even dedicated an album to it! Surely you’re sold by now.

You can find out for yourself whether or not Pitch Black is for you by visiting a beverage retailer of your choosing and giving it a try. Go ahead, taste it. Come on, put it in your mouth, you know you want to. Everyone else is, so you should to unless you want to be weird and die alone. What have you got to lose, besides your health or whatever?

Pitch Black is only here for a limited time, unless we enlist Lady Democracy to keep it here until the end of time. As much as I like Baja Blast, it can fuck off back to Taco Bell. There can only be one, and unless that one is Keanu Reeves, it better be Mountain Dew Pitch Black.

Unfortunately, it’s an insanely tight race, with only 1% — one goddamn percent — separating the two. I’m not saying everyone who votes for Baja Blast should die in a fire, but you should vote for Pitch Black.

#VOTEPITCHBLACK

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Gamer, writer, terrible dancer, longtime toast enthusiast. Legend has it Adam was born with a controller in one hand and the Kraken's left eye in the other. Legends are often wrong.

Editorials

‘Arachnid’ – Revisiting the 2001 Spider Horror Movie Featuring Massive Practical Effects

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arachnid

A new breed of creature-features was unleashed in the 1990s and continued well into the next decade. Shaking off the ecological messaging of the past, these monsters existed for the sake of pure mayhem. Just to name a few: Tremors, The Relic, Anaconda, Godzilla, Deep Rising and Lake Placid all showcased this trend of irreverent creature chaos. Reptiles and other scaly beasts proved to be a popular source of inspiration for these films, but for that extra crawly experience, bugs were the best and quickest route. Spiders, in particular, led some of the worst infestations on screen in the early 2000s. And on the underbelly of this creeping new wave — specifically the direct-to-video sector — hangs an overlooked offering of spider horror: Arachnid.

In 2000, Brian Yuzna and Julio Fernández launched the Spanish production company Fantastic Factory. The Filmax banner’s objective was to create modestly budgeted genre films for international distribution. And while they achieved their goal — a total of nine English-language films were produced and shipped all across the globe — Fantastic Factory ultimately closed up shop after only five years. Arachnid, directed by Jack Sholder (Alone in the Dark, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge, The Hidden) and based on a script by Mark Sevi, was the second project from the short-lived genre house. Yuzna was drawn to the concept largely because of its universal appeal; a monster was marketable in any region, regardless of cultural preferences or restrictions. There was also the fact that spiders give everyone a case of the heebie-jeebies.

By having extraterrestrial forces be the cause of the spiders’ mutism and immensity as well as other urgent problems within the story, Arachnid incidentally pays respect to Hollywood’s golden age of schlock filmmaking. The opening sequence indeed shows a stealth plane’s pilot (Jesús Cabrero) trailing a UFO and its translucent passenger to an island in the South Pacific, but the alien business is kept to a minimum going forward. There is no time to process this seismic revelation of life beyond Earth before moving on to the film’s central plot. 

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Pictured: Alex Reid, Chris Potter and Neus Asensi’s characters get trapped in the spider’s web in Arachnid.

Several months since the E.T. was last sighted — and after being snuffed out by one of its own accidental creations — a medical team from Guam heads to Celebes (better known as Sulawesi nowadays), in search of whatever is behind a new illness. The doctors (played by José Sancho and Neus Asensi) already suspected a spider bite, although they failed to consider the biter could be the size of a tank. With The Descent’s Alex Reid as the snarky pilot of this doomed expedition, one who has ulterior motives for accepting the job, the film’s core characters go off in search of a spider and, hopefully, a cure.

The title makes it seem as if there is only the one arachnid in the story, but once Chris Potter and Reid’s characters plus their team step foot on the island, they encounter other altered arthropods. Yuzna felt Sevi’s script needed more creatures along the way, especially before the spider showed up in full view. The bug horror commences as one gunsman succumbs to a burrowing breed of crab-sized ticks, and random characters fend off a horrific centipede with reptilian qualities. These are just the appetizers before the greatest arachnid of them all arrives. The late Ravil Isyanov, here playing a zealous but sympathetic arachnologist, becomes a human Lunchable for the spider’s eggs. And one of the doctors gets a face full of corrosive spider spew. So, there is no shortage of grisly predation in the film, with a few bits of the monsters’ handiwork possessing a haunting quality to them.

Shot quickly and cheaply, Arachnid is fast-food horror. It’s convenient and designed for immediate consumption, and will likely not linger on the palate. Usually there is not a lot worth remembering with these slapdash genre productions, however, this is one case of spider horror where the extra effort made a difference. Apart from the egregious use of digital imagery in the outset, Jack Sholder’s film primarily employs practical effects. And these are not rubber spiders dangling from strings or being flung at the actors, either. Fantastic Factory aimed much higher by securing DDTSFX (Pan’s Labyrinth, Hellboy II: The Golden Army) and creature designer and makeup artist Steve Johnson (Species, Blade II).

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Pictured: One of the spider’s web-covered victims in Arachnid.

Arachnid, while far from flawless, somewhat redeems itself by having chosen practical effects and animatronics over CGI, which had become the new normal in these kinds of films. And this class of creature-feature was definitely not getting the sort of advanced VFX found in the likes of Eight Legged Freaks. Steve Johnson’s spider was not the easiest prop to work with, and it lacks the movement and versatility of a digital depiction. However, there is no beating that sense of weight and occupation of space that makes a tangible monster more intimidating. Viewers will have trouble recalling the human characters long after watching Arachnid, yet the humongous headliner remains the stuff of nightmares.

Over the years, the director has spoken critically of the film. He originally held off on agreeing to the offer to direct in hopes that another project, a Steven Seagal picture, would finally manifest. No such luck, and Sholder accepted Arachnid only on account of his needing the work. He said of the film: “I thought I could […] make it halfway decent, but I discovered there wasn’t a whole lot I could do.” Nevertheless, Sholder’s experience as a director of not exactly high-brow yet still rather entertaining horror is evident in what he has since called a “dud.” While there is no denying the reality and outcome of Arachnid, even the most mediocre films have their strokes of brilliance, small as they may be.

Arachnid

Pictured: The poster for Arachnid.

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