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The 10 Most Brutal Holiday Horror Kills!

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Silent Night

As great as holiday horror movies like Gremlins and Krampus are, they still have that underlying Christmas sweetness about them. They’re dark, but there’s still the essence of the holiday spirit that makes them fairly family friendly. But sometimes you just want carnage with your holidays. It is a stressful time of year, after all. So I sought out the most ruthless of kills in holiday horror; the bloodiest, the meanest, and the most painful of kills inflicted against the backdrop of what’s meant to be the merriest of seasons. Here are the 10 most brutal holiday horror kills to spray the snow red with blood:


Black Christmas – Death by Unicorn

Black Christmas

When it comes to this definitive classic, the most iconic and memorable death is the first of the ill-fated sorority sisters; Clare’s suffocation by plastic wrap. The most brutal, though, is Barb’s death. Played by Margot Kidder, Barb is the most entertaining of the girls and brings levity in a serious slasher. She toys with Sergeant Nash at the police station and humorously gives children some of her booze at a party, which makes her death sting the most. What makes it really brutal, though, is that she’s barely recovering from a severe asthma attack before Billy sneaks into her room and stabs her repeatedly with her own unicorn trinket. Harsh.


The Children – Impaled by Door

The Children

A family gathering over Christmas holiday turns deadly when the children suddenly start getting sick, then homicidal. Surprisingly dark and tense, these children get very bloody with their kills. But the most brutal kill of all isn’t an adult, but a child. Rebellious teen Casey is desperate to get to her mother on the other side of a locked door, when her mother is cornered and facing imminent death at the little hands of two deadly children. Casey breaks through just in time, grabbing Nicky and shoving him down, neck first, onto a huge splinter of broken door. Not only did The Children have the balls to kill a child on screen, but they made it bloody and merciless.


Christmas Evil – Toy Solider Attack

Christmas Evil

Like most holiday-themed horror, this film’s killer stemmed from a traumatic childhood Christmas in which he saw Santa doing naughty things to mommy. Thirty-three years later Harry is super obsessed with Christmas. He wants to become the next Santa and even works in a toy factory. Harry snaps, though, causing a murderous Christmas rampage. The unluckiest to cross paths with this killer Santa happens to be leaving Midnight Mass, where he proceeds to taunt Harry as Santa. Harry then stabs him in the eye with a toy soldier. It’s not fast enough punishment for Harry, though, so he plants an ax square into the guy’s skull.


Don’t Open till Christmas –Face Roasting over an Open Fire

Don't Open till Christmas

This slasher features a killer that seeks to murder any Santa he comes across, in a subversion of the typical homicidal Santa featured in holiday horror. Which means a lot of poor unsuspecting guys in Santa suits getting dispatched in various ways just by being at the wrong place at the wrong time. The worst, though, is the poor Santa roasting chestnuts over a grill. The killer stumbles across the Santa and decides a more appropriate holiday treat would be to roast Santa’s face on the open fire instead. Santa’s charred flesh and screaming in pain, before falling in fully and catching fire makes for a vivid holiday memory.


Elves – Piercing Santa’s sack

Elves

This goofy ‘80s creature feature follows a Demonic Christmas elf summoned during an Anti-Christmas pagan ritual, unwittingly. Throw in a Nazi plot where they wish to create a mixed race of Aryans and evil Christmas elves, and you have one of the strangest horror movies ever that it’s no wonder this one doesn’t get brought up much. And the evil elf is one mean little demon. The worst of his misdeeds might be the way in which he murders a store Santa. This Santa might have been a sleaze, but getting stabbed over and over in the junk was so ruthlessly done that even I managed to feel phantom sympathy pain.


Silent Night, Deadly Night – Run Through by a Deer

Silent Night Deadly Night

Even if you haven’t seen this Christmas horror classic, chances are you’re at least familiar with this death.  Poor Linnea Quigley. Of all the creative kills unleashed by a snapped Billy Chapman, hers was the most brutal. Not the decapitated sledder or cutting open poor Pamela with a box cutter. It was the slow impalement of Quigley’s character on hung antlers that proved most cringe-worthy, and the way the antlers slowly penetrated through her skin. Ouch.


Red Christmas – Blender Brains

Red Christmas

Horror vet Dee Wallace plays a family matriarch that allows a stranger into her family’s home over Christmas. The stranger wastes no time offending her, and thus gets tossed out. His resulting anger causes him to tear the family apart, one by one, in increasing demented fashion. The most brutal of which involves a death by blender. It’s not the first time that the kitchen appliance has been used in horror, but this does win for being the goriest. The slow scramble of the eyes before they pop and a geyser of blood pours forth easily wins in creativity and brutality.


Silent Night – The Woodchipper

Silent Night

This very loose retelling of Silent Night, Deadly Night doesn’t offer much in the way of storytelling. What it does offer, though, is a handful of fun performances lead by scene-chewing Malcom McDowell as the small town sheriff, and a bunch of gory deaths at the hand of Santa. This killer Santa seeks out the worst, and delivers fatal punishment for their naughty behavior. Skin-crawling sexually deviant priests, spoiler rotten children, and softcore porn filmmakers draw Santa’s ire. The worst of which is the poor gal who just wanted to make a softcore porn video in a sleazy motel, only to have Santa chop off one of her legs after chasing her down in a Christmas tree farm. The farm has a convenient woodchipper nearby, where Santa watches as he feeds his victim leg first into it, blood spraying everywhere.


Black Christmas (2006) – Human Flesh Cookies

Black Christmas 2006

This remake doesn’t hold a candle to its predecessor, but it does up the ante on the gore and violence tenfold. The most brutal death of all, though, also happens to be the most deserved. Billy’s mother is such a piece of work that it’s no wonder he turned out the way he did. As much coldblooded death that he delivered throughout the film, none held a candle to what he did to mommy dearest. After offing mom’s lover, he first strangles her with a string of Christmas lights before ferociously bashing in her face with a rolling pin. In keeping with the holiday spirit, he then uses cookie cutters to cut out flesh from her back, throws it on a baking pan, and eats them as the police arrive to lock him up. I don’t think that’s what Santa had in mind for treats come Christmas Eve.


Inside – “I think it’s stuck”

Inside

Despite the lack of Christmas iconography, save for a few Christmas lights and decorations in the background, Inside is very much a holiday set horror film. It’s just that depressed mother-to-be Sarah doesn’t feel much like celebrating, having lost her husband in a violent car crash and all. Enter La Femme on Christmas Eve, the day before Sarah is scheduled to have her baby. La Femme is determined to take Sarah’s unborn baby, and Christmas Eve becomes awash in crimson as the violence escalates. Of all the gruesome deaths in the film, the worst is that of Sarah’s. Already battered, punctured and bruised from her encounter with La Femme, she’s brutally beaten in the stomach with the club of a very disoriented cop-turned-victim of La Femme’s. With the baby in peril, La Femme performs a C-section with scissors, tearing open Sarah in one of the most vicious, painful deaths in horror.

Horror journalist, RT Top Critic, and Critics Choice Association member. Co-Host of the Bloody Disgusting Podcast. Has appeared on PBS series' Monstrum, served on the SXSW Midnighter shorts jury, and moderated horror panels for WonderCon and SeriesFest.

Editorials

‘A Haunted House’ and the Death of the Horror Spoof Movie

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Due to a complex series of anthropological mishaps, the Wayans Brothers are a huge deal in Brazil. Around these parts, White Chicks is considered a national treasure by a lot of people, so it stands to reason that Brazilian audiences would continue to accompany the Wayans’ comedic output long after North America had stopped taking them seriously as comedic titans.

This is the only reason why I originally watched Michael Tiddes and Marlon Wayans’ 2013 horror spoof A Haunted House – appropriately known as “Paranormal Inactivity” in South America – despite having abandoned this kind of movie shortly after the excellent Scary Movie 3. However, to my complete and utter amazement, I found myself mostly enjoying this unhinged parody of Found Footage films almost as much as the iconic spoofs that spear-headed the genre during the 2000s. And with Paramount having recently announced a reboot of the Scary Movie franchise, I think this is the perfect time to revisit the divisive humor of A Haunted House and maybe figure out why this kind of film hasn’t been popular in a long time.

Before we had memes and internet personalities to make fun of movie tropes for free on the internet, parody movies had been entertaining audiences with meta-humor since the very dawn of cinema. And since the genre attracted large audiences without the need for a serious budget, it made sense for studios to encourage parodies of their own productions – which is precisely what happened with Miramax when they commissioned a parody of the Scream franchise, the original Scary Movie.

The unprecedented success of the spoof (especially overseas) led to a series of sequels, spin-offs and rip-offs that came along throughout the 2000s. While some of these were still quite funny (I have a soft spot for 2008’s Superhero Movie), they ended up flooding the market much like the Guitar Hero games that plagued video game stores during that same timeframe.

You could really confuse someone by editing this scene into Paranormal Activity.

Of course, that didn’t stop Tiddes and Marlon Wayans from wanting to make another spoof meant to lampoon a sub-genre that had been mostly overlooked by the Scary Movie series – namely the second wave of Found Footage films inspired by Paranormal Activity. Wayans actually had an easier time than usual funding the picture due to the project’s Found Footage presentation, with the format allowing for a lower budget without compromising box office appeal.

In the finished film, we’re presented with supposedly real footage recovered from the home of Malcom Johnson (Wayans). The recordings themselves depict a series of unexplainable events that begin to plague his home when Kisha Davis (Essence Atkins) decides to move in, with the couple slowly realizing that the difficulties of a shared life are no match for demonic shenanigans.

In practice, this means that viewers are subjected to a series of familiar scares subverted by wacky hijinks, with the flick featuring everything from a humorous recreation of the iconic fan-camera from Paranormal Activity 3 to bizarre dance numbers replacing Katy’s late-night trances from Oren Peli’s original movie.

Your enjoyment of these antics will obviously depend on how accepting you are of Wayans’ patented brand of crass comedy. From advanced potty humor to some exaggerated racial commentary – including a clever moment where Malcom actually attempts to move out of the titular haunted house because he’s not white enough to deal with the haunting – it’s not all that surprising that the flick wound up with a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes despite making a killing at the box office.

However, while this isn’t my preferred kind of humor, I think the inherent limitations of Found Footage ended up curtailing the usual excesses present in this kind of parody, with the filmmakers being forced to focus on character-based comedy and a smaller scale story. This is why I mostly appreciate the love-hate rapport between Kisha and Malcom even if it wouldn’t translate to a healthy relationship in real life.

Of course, the jokes themselves can also be pretty entertaining on their own, with cartoony gags like the ghost getting high with the protagonists (complete with smoke-filled invisible lungs) and a series of silly The Exorcist homages towards the end of the movie. The major issue here is that these legitimately funny and genre-specific jokes are often accompanied by repetitive attempts at low-brow humor that you could find in any other cheap comedy.

Not a good idea.

Not only are some of these painfully drawn out “jokes” incredibly unfunny, but they can also be remarkably offensive in some cases. There are some pretty insensitive allusions to sexual assault here, as well as a collection of secondary characters defined by negative racial stereotypes (even though I chuckled heartily when the Latina maid was revealed to have been faking her poor English the entire time).

Cinephiles often claim that increasingly sloppy writing led to audiences giving up on spoof movies, but the fact is that many of the more beloved examples of the genre contain some of the same issues as later films like A Haunted House – it’s just that we as an audience have (mostly) grown up and are now demanding more from our comedy. However, this isn’t the case everywhere, as – much like the Elves from Lord of the Rings – spoof movies never really died, they simply diminished.

A Haunted House made so much money that they immediately started working on a second one that released the following year (to even worse reviews), and the same team would later collaborate once again on yet another spoof, 50 Shades of Black. This kind of film clearly still exists and still makes a lot of money (especially here in Brazil), they just don’t have the same cultural impact that they used to in a pre-social-media-humor world.

At the end of the day, A Haunted House is no comedic masterpiece, failing to live up to the laugh-out-loud thrills of films like Scary Movie 3, but it’s also not the trainwreck that most critics made it out to be back in 2013. Comedy is extremely subjective, and while the raunchy humor behind this flick definitely isn’t for everyone, I still think that this satirical romp is mostly harmless fun that might entertain Found Footage fans that don’t take themselves too seriously.

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