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‘Dark Angel’ – The Endorphin-Harvesting Dolph Lundgren Alien Movie You Should Probably Watch

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Not many horror films truly scare me these days. But alien horror? Even the ones substandard to most send me into a fear frenzy. That’s why I’m taking a deep dive into the sub-genre.

Welcome to Aliens Scare Me. A look into alien horror films on a case by case basis.

This month we’re probing deep into action/sci-fi territory with 1990’s Dark Angel; or depending on where you find it, I Come In Peace, starring the great Dolph Lundgren.


What It’s About

Rogue cop Jack Caine (Lundgren) has his partner killed by a gang of old white men called “The White Boys” (dead serious) who are subsequently murdered by a mysterious force using what appears to be a CD Rom disc as a weapon (still serious). While investigating, Jack and his new partner by force, Special Agent Arwood (Brian Benben), come across an gigantic alien (Matthias Hues) who looks like some sort of mix between The Undertaker and Mortal Kombat’s Raiden. Let me put it this way… he makes Dolph Lundgren look small.

While trying to survive these encounters with Bad Alien, the two encounter a Good Alien sent to stop it, played by none other than College Sports Announcer Jay Bilas (again, I’m not lying). While on his death bed, Good Alien informs them that on their planet they use what we call endorphins as recreational drugs. Bad Alien is here to harvest us and our endorphins on the cheap; if he goes back and tells his endorphin-hooked alien friends about us, they’ll all come here and wipe us out. Good Alien then self destructs and explodes Predator style and Jack knows what has to be done: kill the Bad Alien and save the human race. This is all real. I promise.


Why It’s Scary

There are multiple scenes in Dark Angel where we watch Bad Alien harvest folks for their endorphins. The process involves him exploding into your general vicinity before body slamming you, ripping off your shirt and saying “I come in peace” as he shoots a Scorpion-like talon into your chest. He then makes crazy eyes at you and either smiles or grimaces while this talon sucks your endorphins (which are a white, milky substance, in case you were curious) into the Fitbit on his wrist. Between this and the killer compact disc he shoots out of his other arm band, Bad Alien would make for a pretty gnarly Cenobite if we’re being honest.

The human milking moments aside, Dark Angel is more of an action film with some wild ideas in the vein of Chuck Norris classic Silent Rage. So, the alien fear comes from just how plausible this batshit scenario is. What if the aliens realized they could get high on our brains, man? What if all this abducting and probing leads to the ultimate discovery that they can get high as shit on our happiness? You think that even if some of them are nice aliens they won’t rationalize coming down here and drug-milking us all into extinction? This is all way too plausible for me, therefore making me even more scared of aliens than I was before.


Where It Lands

Dark Angel was an absolute treat for an ’80s and ’90s action fan that finds aliens fascinating. You’ve got your slasher elements in the freaky ass way Matthias Hues takes down his victims. Your action fix in the WWE style throwdowns between him and Dolph Lundgren (sweetest roundhouse kick in the business). And even some buddy-cop comedy gold for good measure.

This genre hodgepodge makes sense when you realize Director Craig Baxley was not only the stunt coordinator for Predator but also directed Stephen King adaptations like Storm of the Century and Rose Red. Which explains why as unbelievably stupid as the explanation of Dark Angel sounds, the movie is shockingly well made.

It’s a hidden gem for action, horror, and sci-fi fans alike.

Editorials

‘A Haunted House’ and the Death of the Horror Spoof Movie

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Due to a complex series of anthropological mishaps, the Wayans Brothers are a huge deal in Brazil. Around these parts, White Chicks is considered a national treasure by a lot of people, so it stands to reason that Brazilian audiences would continue to accompany the Wayans’ comedic output long after North America had stopped taking them seriously as comedic titans.

This is the only reason why I originally watched Michael Tiddes and Marlon Wayans’ 2013 horror spoof A Haunted House – appropriately known as “Paranormal Inactivity” in South America – despite having abandoned this kind of movie shortly after the excellent Scary Movie 3. However, to my complete and utter amazement, I found myself mostly enjoying this unhinged parody of Found Footage films almost as much as the iconic spoofs that spear-headed the genre during the 2000s. And with Paramount having recently announced a reboot of the Scary Movie franchise, I think this is the perfect time to revisit the divisive humor of A Haunted House and maybe figure out why this kind of film hasn’t been popular in a long time.

Before we had memes and internet personalities to make fun of movie tropes for free on the internet, parody movies had been entertaining audiences with meta-humor since the very dawn of cinema. And since the genre attracted large audiences without the need for a serious budget, it made sense for studios to encourage parodies of their own productions – which is precisely what happened with Miramax when they commissioned a parody of the Scream franchise, the original Scary Movie.

The unprecedented success of the spoof (especially overseas) led to a series of sequels, spin-offs and rip-offs that came along throughout the 2000s. While some of these were still quite funny (I have a soft spot for 2008’s Superhero Movie), they ended up flooding the market much like the Guitar Hero games that plagued video game stores during that same timeframe.

You could really confuse someone by editing this scene into Paranormal Activity.

Of course, that didn’t stop Tiddes and Marlon Wayans from wanting to make another spoof meant to lampoon a sub-genre that had been mostly overlooked by the Scary Movie series – namely the second wave of Found Footage films inspired by Paranormal Activity. Wayans actually had an easier time than usual funding the picture due to the project’s Found Footage presentation, with the format allowing for a lower budget without compromising box office appeal.

In the finished film, we’re presented with supposedly real footage recovered from the home of Malcom Johnson (Wayans). The recordings themselves depict a series of unexplainable events that begin to plague his home when Kisha Davis (Essence Atkins) decides to move in, with the couple slowly realizing that the difficulties of a shared life are no match for demonic shenanigans.

In practice, this means that viewers are subjected to a series of familiar scares subverted by wacky hijinks, with the flick featuring everything from a humorous recreation of the iconic fan-camera from Paranormal Activity 3 to bizarre dance numbers replacing Katy’s late-night trances from Oren Peli’s original movie.

Your enjoyment of these antics will obviously depend on how accepting you are of Wayans’ patented brand of crass comedy. From advanced potty humor to some exaggerated racial commentary – including a clever moment where Malcom actually attempts to move out of the titular haunted house because he’s not white enough to deal with the haunting – it’s not all that surprising that the flick wound up with a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes despite making a killing at the box office.

However, while this isn’t my preferred kind of humor, I think the inherent limitations of Found Footage ended up curtailing the usual excesses present in this kind of parody, with the filmmakers being forced to focus on character-based comedy and a smaller scale story. This is why I mostly appreciate the love-hate rapport between Kisha and Malcom even if it wouldn’t translate to a healthy relationship in real life.

Of course, the jokes themselves can also be pretty entertaining on their own, with cartoony gags like the ghost getting high with the protagonists (complete with smoke-filled invisible lungs) and a series of silly The Exorcist homages towards the end of the movie. The major issue here is that these legitimately funny and genre-specific jokes are often accompanied by repetitive attempts at low-brow humor that you could find in any other cheap comedy.

Not a good idea.

Not only are some of these painfully drawn out “jokes” incredibly unfunny, but they can also be remarkably offensive in some cases. There are some pretty insensitive allusions to sexual assault here, as well as a collection of secondary characters defined by negative racial stereotypes (even though I chuckled heartily when the Latina maid was revealed to have been faking her poor English the entire time).

Cinephiles often claim that increasingly sloppy writing led to audiences giving up on spoof movies, but the fact is that many of the more beloved examples of the genre contain some of the same issues as later films like A Haunted House – it’s just that we as an audience have (mostly) grown up and are now demanding more from our comedy. However, this isn’t the case everywhere, as – much like the Elves from Lord of the Rings – spoof movies never really died, they simply diminished.

A Haunted House made so much money that they immediately started working on a second one that released the following year (to even worse reviews), and the same team would later collaborate once again on yet another spoof, 50 Shades of Black. This kind of film clearly still exists and still makes a lot of money (especially here in Brazil), they just don’t have the same cultural impact that they used to in a pre-social-media-humor world.

At the end of the day, A Haunted House is no comedic masterpiece, failing to live up to the laugh-out-loud thrills of films like Scary Movie 3, but it’s also not the trainwreck that most critics made it out to be back in 2013. Comedy is extremely subjective, and while the raunchy humor behind this flick definitely isn’t for everyone, I still think that this satirical romp is mostly harmless fun that might entertain Found Footage fans that don’t take themselves too seriously.

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