Movies
It’s Trickery! 10 Cool Posters for 10 Very Bad Movies!
Movie posters have always been underappreciated as pieces of art, dismissed by virtue of the fact that they’re advertising a “product” for consumption rather than made expressly to be looked over and discussed by discerning members of the artistic community. Luckily, a few savvy collectors early on managed to look past all the upturned noses and recognize some of these posters (also called “one-sheets”) as genuinely inspired creations in and of themselves. In fact, throughout cinematic history posters have often transcended their source material entirely, living on past the run of their respective films to become something lasting and worthy of aesthetic reconsideration. This is especially true of posters advertising horror films, a genre that through the decades has been the home of arguably the greatest amount of artistically stunted, cookie-cutter material ever to grace the silver screen but has also inspired a treasure-trove of memorable one-sheets. Some of these one-sheets are hand-drawn masterpieces; some are artful photographs; more recent ones are often marvels of digitally-enhanced innovation. All of them have the distinction of communicating something above and beyond what was required, be it through a deceptively simple central image or a richly detailed visual landscape. Following, then, are the Ten Best posters inspired by lackluster horror films. It’s beauty and the beast….
Note: I apologize in advance for my use of groan-inducing words such as “exquisite”, “dazzling”, and “sumptuous”.
Tagline: “Whoever wins…we lose.”
All the one-sheets for this (shitty) movie were cool, but this one is definitely the best – highlighting the striking forms of the respective monsters in all their seductive and elegant detail.
Tagline: “Some frequencies we were never meant to find.”
This ingenious poster, with its sea of reaching hands and eerie silver light, is like a bad dream come to life; the movie itself was just a nightmare to sit through.
Tagline: “They feast on your fear – and it’s dinner time.”
This written-directly-for-the-screen Stephen King effort is absolutely terrible – but the poster is a sumptuous marvel, with those slinking cats and ominous dusky backdrop.
Tagline: “Turn up the volume, turn out the lights, but don’t watch it alone!”
The one-sheet for heavy metal horror movie Black Roses is an exquisitely-rendered feast for the eyes; the film is just cheese.
Tagline: “And a child shall lead them…”
Those who consider Children of the Corn a classic of the genre probably haven’t seen it since they were, oh, twelve years old – but the theatrical one-sheet is iconic, and loads more suggestive and horrifying than the actual film.
Tagline: “Dismembered bodies…transplanted organs are used to create the Astro-Zombies.”
Obviously the creative inspiration for Astro-Zombies was all used up on the poster; the eye-popping color scheme and unique hand-drawn artwork is dazzling, but the movie isn’t, shall we say, up to the same artistic standard.
Tagline: “Check in. Relax. Take a Shower.”
The marketing campaign for Gus Van Sant’s shot-by-shot remake was ingeniously simple, with that brilliant tagline and its sensual central image of a woman behind a shower curtain; too bad the movie was a derivative bore.
Tagline: “The man of your dreams is back.”
While the theatrical poster for Part 2 is as beautifully-rendered as the rest of the Elm Street one-sheets, I chose this one in particular because it’s the one entry in the franchise that can genuinely be called a cinematic stinker.
Tagline: “Death was the only living thing…”
This movie about murdered chain-gang convicts who return from the dead in order to get high off of formaldehyde one last time (don’t ask) was blessed with this beautiful, morbidly atmospheric poster that makes you want to reach out and feel the texture of its gloomy world.
Tagline: “This was the night of the CRAWLING TERROR!”
Squirm the movie is a dreadful piece of garbage about killer earthworms (seriously) and has been long-forgotten for a reason, but the one-sheet is a genuine work of art that should be hanging in a museum; never has the chasm of quality between a film and its attendant poster art been wider.
One of the all-time foundational fixtures in horror is the vampire. That means over a century’s worth of bloodsuckers in film, in various styles and mythology, from across the globe.
As prominent as this movie monster is, with dozens of adaptations of Bram Stoker’s Dracula alone, there’s an overwhelming selection of vampire fare that makes it easy for many worthwhile gems to fall through the cracks. This week’s streaming picks are dedicated to underseen vampire horror movies worth seeking out.
As always, here’s where you can stream them this week.
For more Stay Home, Watch Horror picks, click here.
Mr. Vampire – The Criterion Channel – Plex, the Roku Channel
This supernatural genre-bender from director Ricky Lau stands far apart from standard vampire fare thanks to its comedy, martial arts, and jiangshi. Taoist priest Master Kau (Lam Ching-ying) guards the realm of the living by maintaining control over the area’s hopping vampires, and other restless spirits. When Master Kau is hired to oversee the reburial of an affluent town elder, he and his two bumbling assistants find themselves in a supernatural battle to the death when the elder’s corpse resurrects as jiangshi. Produced by martial artist and Hong Kong cinema legend Sammo Hung, Mr. Vampire was a huge box office success in Hong Kong and launched a franchise. Still, it’s a charming, lively horror comedy that could use more love among contemporary audiences.
My Heart Can’t Beat Unless You Tell It To – Plex, Prime Video, SCREAMBOX
Writer/Director Jonathan Cuartas‘s feature debut feels like a spiritual sibling to We Are What We Are in many ways. Both offer meditative, brooding depictions of isolated families far removed from the rest of the world. Both families are willing to commit unspeakable acts on behalf of their loved ones. In this case, siblings Dwight (Patrick Fugit) and Jessie (Ingrid Sophie Schram) find themselves routinely tasked with murder so their sickly younger brother Thomas (Owen Campbell, Super Dark Times) can have the fresh blood to survive. In the vein of The Transfiguration or Martin, this brooding debut feature grounds its vampirism in reality and focuses on the constricting, devastating toll of familial obligation.
The Night of the Devils – Kanopy
A disturbed man, Nicola, recounts the story of getting stranded in the woods, only to find refuge in a charming family’s house. The longer he’s there, the more he uncovers something is deeply amiss. Witches, vampires, and sordid family secrets ensue. Like Mario Bava’s anthology segment “The Wurdulak” in Black Sabbath, The Night of the Devils is also based on The Family of the Vourdalak by Aleksey Konstantinovich Tolstoy. Director Giorgio Ferroni balances the gore and sleaze with haunting Gothic atmosphere and stunning cinematography. While it’s methodical in its buildup, the craftmanship and grim ending make this underseen Italian and Spanish co-production worth the watch.
Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat – Fandango at Home (formerly Vudu), Plex, the Roku Channel
Director Anthony Hickox (Waxwork, Hellraiser III) has a blast with his high concept horror comedy that sees vampires living in the reclusive desert town Purgatory. They seek a peaceful life, with the plan to get an artificial blood factory in operation. Everything goes off without a hitch until Van Helsing’s descendant, Robert Van Helsing (Bruce Campbell), arrives in town. It’s a vampire western horror comedy that lovingly pokes fun at vampire tropes. The simple setup becomes anything but thanks to town politics, new tourists, and Van Helsing’s irresistibility to a vampire (Deborah Foreman). David Carradine presides over the vampire hijinks as Count Jozek Mardulak. For those looking for something fun and lighthearted, this pick is your best bet.
Vamp – AMC+, Plex, the Roku Channel, Shudder, Tubi
This highly entertaining horror comedy features a vampire that doesn’t get nearly enough attention; Grace Jones exudes raw power as vamp Katrina. Robert Rusler and Chris Makepeace star as two fraternity pledges that venture into the city to hire a stripper, all to impress their frat brothers. They find themselves in a shady part of town, unaware that the dive bar they’ve entered is full of vampires. Naturally, they find themselves in an all-night battle for survival. The neon haze-soaked urban setting makes for a refreshing change of pace. The bromance between the leads is as sweet as it is funny. Most of all, though, watch for Grace Jones’ riveting performance.
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