Nothing interesting has been released in the last couple weeks (unless you count Slaughtered Vomit Dolls as interesting), so for this edition I am simply going to make some suggestions, give warning on a few crapfests and give a heads up on what’s about to expire — which includes several classic films.
Netflix Instant Horror In Your House
May 27th, 2011

(Available til date in parenthesis)

RED WHITE & BLUE (5/2014)

When aloof bed-hopper Erica (Amanda Fuller) takes a job at a hardware store in Austin, she crosses paths with Frankie (Marc Senter), a struggling musician, and Nate (Noah Taylor), a mysterious stranger with an ominous past. But their lives don’t intersect in the way you might expect. British writer-director Simon Rumley steers this intense psychological revenge thriller that packs a surprising plot twist.

MICAH SAYS: It plays out like a modern day version of “I Spit on Your Grave”, “Last House on the Left” and other revenge flicks from the `70s. One of the more shockingly brutal films I’ve seen in a while.

ALIENS: COLLECTOR EDITION (7/2011)

In this acclaimed sequel, the only survivor from the first film, Lt. Ripley (Sigourney Weaver), finds her horrific account of her crew’s fate is met with skepticism — until the disappearance of colonists on LV-426 prompts a team of high-tech Marines to investigate. Ripley travels with the team as an advisor, only to find that her biggest fear has come true. Weaver was Oscar nominated for Best Actress, while James Horner’s chilling score also got a nod.

MICAH SAYS: Almost everyone on Earth has seen this by now, but with the recent release of the individual Blu-rays some (who didn’t pony up the money for said blu-ray) might want to check out Sigourney going all Mama Bear against the Alien Queen. No HD on Instant which admittedly sucks, but hey, you can still get your Henriksen/Weaver fix.

50 WORST MOVIES EVER MADE (8/2011)

An entertaining look at some of the truly terrible moments in film history. This documentary consists of clips from what many believe to be some of the worst movies ever to make it — or not make it — into theaters. Laugh through scenes from “Howard the Duck,” “Plan Nine from Outer Space,” “Attack of the Crab Monsters” and “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians,” as well as many others. This really is the best of the worst!

MICAH SAYS: Wow. This was lazy and incompetent. Repeated use of the same lame graphic, poor movie choices and the narrator reminded me of a knock off of Tom Bergeron from his Hollywood Squares days. No depth (no interviews) either as the entire documentary is 60 minutes. Watch “American Grindhouse” if you’re in the mood for an Instant documentary.

JAWS OF SATAN (5/2013)

Disguised as a deadly king cobra, Satan slithers into a small town and begins terrorizing Father Tom Farrow (Fritz Weaver), a priest whose family was cursed long ago. With snake-related deaths rising and city officials unresponsive, Farrow must fight Satan himself. In addition to a variety of suspenseful attack scenes, this low-budget horror movie also features a very young Christina Applegate in her big-screen debut.

MICAH SAYS: This is the kind of film where a lady can draw a bath, but somehow not notice the six-foot rattlesnake in the tub. Satan is a bored dude. Apparently, besides having lots of time on his hands, turning people his way just becoming too easy. So, for shi*ts and giggles, he turns himself into a cobra, conjurs up an army of snakes, and decides to f*ck with drunkard priest in small town America. It’s not as out there as say, “Manitou”, but it’s damn close.

NIGHTWISH (2/2013)

While investigating rumors that a house is horribly haunted, a college professor (Jack Starrett) and four grad students (led by Brian Thompson) come face-to-face with the scariest things they’ve ever seen. So scary, in fact, that they can’t possibly be real … or can they? Between aliens, ghost and satanic creatures, reality seems awfully far away. But this is one nightmare they can’t seem to wake up from.

MICAH SAYS: This one is appropriately named as I have tried to watch it several times and it puts me right to sleep. It’s like the movie version of Ambien. The blond girl’s acting is priceless. Clearly, she was hired for her noticeable assets (which do free themselves from the tyranny of her shirt) and not for her thespianism. Fun in a bad way and full of `80s cheese.

THE FUNHOUSE (3/2012)

Teenage fun begets terror when two young couples spend the night inside a creepy carnival funhouse, where even the most harmless of objects can take on a distorted and sinister glare. Things really heat up when the kids play witness to a brutal murder at the hands of a disfigured killer who traps them inside with no way out and forces them to relive their waking nightmare. Elizabeth Berridge (Amadeus) co-stars.

Expiring Soon (expire date in parenthesis)

SEVERANCE (6/1)

Awash in blood and black humor, director Christopher Smith’s inventive horror flick follows a sales group — employed by an international weapons company — as they head for a team-building retreat at a remote lodge in Hungary. Before you can say “mayhem,” a band of vengeful, psychotic commandos turns the tables and puts the merchants on the wrong end of their wares. Toby Stephens, Laura Harris and Danny Dyer star.

MASTERS OF HORROR EPISODES (6/1)

All the eps of this Showtime series expire on June 1st. Lets hope they’re back soon enough, but if you want to catch “Cigarette Burns”, “Pelts”, “Imprint”, etc you best make it quick.

THE EVIL DEAD (6/1)

Curiosity overcomes five innocent teenagers vacationing at a cabin in the Tennessee woodlands, and their cellar-snooping unleashes spirits of the evil dead. After all his pals have become possessed, flesh-eating zombies, the one remaining teen (Bruce Campbell) tries to solve the nightmarish mystery and save his friends. Spider-Man director Sam Raimi uses impressively freaky special effects to make this low-budget horror classic.

MICAH SAYS: The 6 or 7 copies of this film I have on DVD and Blu-ray will have to due for now.

THE SHINING (6/1)

On the wagon and out of lucrative work thanks to his alcoholism and family troubles, aspiring novelist Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) accepts a position as the off-season custodian at an elegant but eerie hotel so he can write undisturbed. But shortly after Jack, his wife (Shelley Duvall) and his young son (Danny Lloyd) settle in, the ominous hotel begins to wield its sinister power in this chilling horror classic helmed by Stanley Kubrick.

TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE (6/1)

In this homage to Rod Serling’s hit TV series, a bigot (Vic Morrow) experiences prejudice; a man (Scatman Crothers) helps the elderly regain their youth; a woman (Kathleen Quinlan) discovers a town controlled by an odd child; and a passenger (John Lithgow) sees something horrifying on the wing of his plane. Directors John Landis, Steven Spielberg, Joe Dante and George Miller helm this anthology of four classic tales of fantasy and horror.

TREMORS (6/1)

Hick handymen Val McKee (Kevin Bacon) and Earl Bassett (Fred Ward) can barely eke out a living in the Nevada hamlet of Perfection, so they decide to leave town — despite am admonition from a shapely seismology coed (Finn Carter) who’s picking up odd readings on her equipment. Before long, Val and Earl discover what’s responsible for those readings: 30-foot-long carnivorous worms with a proclivity for sucking their prey underground.

MICAH SAYS: My suggestion: Marathon all four “Tremors” movies – all available on Netflix Instant now – while grilling burgers and enjoying ice cold beer straight out of a cooler. A good day. Indeed.

PHANTASM (6/1)

Often considered one of the icons of 1970s independent horror cinema, director Don Coscarelli’s classic nail-biter follows two boys who, in pursuit of an odd-looking grave robber, may wind up as the newest members of a freshly dead slave race. Jody (Bill Thornbury) and Mike (A. Michael Baldwin) discover that the creature (Angus Scrimm) stealing cadavers walks the earth but lives in the afterworld — and that it needs more corpses.

MICAH SAYS: Are Netflix and the studios trying to remove all the classic horror from Instant viewing? Sure feels like it with all the losses this coming week.