Movies
Story Time: If You Want to Break Up With Me I Won’t Kill You With My Mind.
He’s sick, sad, and strange. And he explores that weird place where humor and horror run into each other. Welcome to the darkly funny world of Paul Bibeau.
Inside you’ll find a creeptacular story entitled “If you want to break up with me I won’t kill you with my mind.” You’ll find more from Bibeau over at Goblin Books.
Just tell me how you feel, okay? I want you to be completely honest. Because if you don’t want to go out with me anymore I need to hear that. I’d be upset sure. But I promise we can still be friends. And I definitely won’t use my powers to put a blood clot in your brain and kill you.
Don’t say nothing’s wrong, because I can tell. There’s this, this distance between us lately. You won’t acknowledge it, but I know it’s there. It’s been there since Tuesday, when that old woman tried to steal your parking spot, and I got into her mind and made her slam the car door on her hand.
What is it? Do you need more time to yourself? Are we moving too fast? You can tell me, because there’s no pressure. I love you so much that I truly want what’s best for you. I know you’re a little worried, because of what happened to Troy, but he was nothing like you. He just didn’t care about people and he hurt me. You’d never do something like that. I don’t want to say more, because that task force is still trying to find him. But he’s not dead or anything. He’s alone somewhere, and he’s going to have a lot of time to think about what he did.
You want to see other people, don’t you? Go ahead! You can say it. Nothing bad will happen. Just say it. Don’t you want to see other people? Seriously. Is that what this is all about?
It’s that bitch, Shelley, isn’t it? The one I’m going to give ovarian cancer? Not because of you, though. She just… she just annoys me sometimes, and I think it would be good to force her go through that so she wouldn’t be so fake all the time. And I know that eventually we’ll be together, so even if you need some space right now, I know it won’t be forever. We were meant to be. I can feel it. This is fine. Fine!
I’m sorry. I don’t mean to start crying. It’s just… I get so emotional when I think about how important we are to each other. And it makes me mad. No, not mad. Frustrated. I’m not really mad, honey.
Wow, what happened to that guy? Over there by the Food Court? It looks like a heart attack – the way he’s turning all purpley. I hope he’s okay.
I didn’t cause that, if that’s what you’re thinking. Really, that wasn’t me. I honestly don’t think it was. I mean, sometimes I get upset, and I can feel this rush of energy, and things just happen. But I’m not doing it on purpose. Like with Shelley. I said I wanted to give her cancer, but I was just kidding. I don’t want her to die. It wouldn’t be my fault if she just… y’know… threw herself off the roof of the school.
Anyway, here: I wrote you a 28-page letter and made you a Paula Cole playlist. Let’s talk this out. I know we can make it work.
Movies
‘Abigail’ on Track for a Better Opening Weekend Than Universal’s Previous Two Vampire Attempts
In the wake of Leigh Whannell’s Invisible Man back in 2020, Universal has been struggling to achieve further box office success with their Universal Monsters brand. Even in the early days of the pandemic, Invisible Man scared up $144 million at the worldwide box office, while last year’s Universal Monsters: Dracula movies The Last Voyage of the Demeter and Renfield didn’t even approach that number when you COMBINE their individual box office hauls.
The horror-comedy Renfield came along first in April 2023, ending its run with just $26 million. The period piece Last Voyage of the Demeter ended its own run with a mere $21 million.
But Universal is trying again with their ballerina vampire movie Abigail this weekend, the latest bloodbath directed by the filmmakers known as Radio Silence (Ready or Not, Scream).
Unlike Demeter and Renfield, the early reviews for Abigail are incredibly strong, with our own Meagan Navarro calling the film “savagely inventive in terms of its vampiric gore,” ultimately “offering a thrill ride with sharp, pointy teeth.” Read her full review here.
That early buzz – coupled with some excellent trailers – should drive Abigail to moderate box office success, the film already scaring up $1 million in Thursday previews last night. Variety notes that Abigail is currently on track to enjoy a $12 million – $15 million opening weekend, which would smash Renfield ($8 million) and Demeter’s ($6 million) opening weekends.
Working to Abigail‘s advantage is the film’s reported $28 million production budget, making it a more affordable box office bet for Universal than the two aforementioned movies.
Stay tuned for more box office reporting in the coming days.
In Abigail, “After a group of would-be criminals kidnap the 12-year-old ballerina daughter of a powerful underworld figure, all they have to do to collect a $50 million ransom is watch the girl overnight. In an isolated mansion, the captors start to dwindle, one by one, and they discover, to their mounting horror, that they’re locked inside with no normal little girl.”
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