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Rob Zombie's The Lords Of Salem

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  • Originally posted by Santa View Post
    Even the intro and the buildup didn't catch my attention, the silly and retarded acting within the radio station and/or Sheri's helpless attempts to act in general killed every expectation off.
    After the first ten minutes, you generally knew when a movie is going to be a trainwreck. That "movie" was another fantastic example of that theory.
    I disagree.

    I thought it opened strong and was very intriguing right up until Sherri played the record. Then it nosedived.

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    • It did start out really good. Then it went into the shitter and stayed there.

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      • I almost want to see the further adventures of Satan's wriggly bagpipe of doom.

        Almost.
        Mayhem. In a boilersuit.

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        • Originally posted by Boilersuit_Mayhem View Post
          Personally, I find his fans to be a lot funnier, even if the humour is of the unintentional kind.


          Oh you.

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          • Originally posted by Santa View Post
            Even the intro and the buildup didn't catch my attention, the silly and retarded acting within the radio station and/or Sheri's helpless attempts to act in general killed every expectation off.
            After the first ten minutes, you generally knew when a movie is going to be a trainwreck. That "movie" was another fantastic example of that theory.
            Hm I did like the filming in the house and the corridors, [SPOILER]the introduction of the three witches, some desillusions of Sheri, the track (also when it was played on the piano, reminded me of the Eyes wide shut melody). Not to make comparisons , just an observation [/SPOILER]
            Then it nosedived / went into the shitter indeed
            Like many horror movies, good start, bad second half.
            1. The Big Lebowski
            2. The Shining
            3. Martyrs
            4. Session 9
            5. Irréversible
            6. Apocalypse Now
            7. No Country for Old Men
            8. Eyes Wide Shut
            9. Boot, Das
            10. Pi

            >> my youtube channel <<

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            • I took three honest to goodness turns at this goddamn movie before being able to finally make it stick to my gray matter. Okay, maybe honest to goodness isn’t entirely accurate; I’ll admit I was varying degrees of shitfaced the first two times and then technically by the third time I just skipped right to the grand finale which was about as grand as a Denny’s grand slam breakfast when you deposit it back out your shitter into the crapper. Come to think of it I was blackout drunk (or well on my way) halfway through my first attempt on top of being bored so I tapped out halfway and listened to some Roky Erickson tunes instead.

              Although to be fair (to myself) even before this last sober attempt I went back and read several detailed reviews and seemed to pick up (remember) most of the key plot points just fine. Indeed the real problem was simply that none of it was that interesting enough to make a distinct impression on me.

              I guess Lords doesn’t really deserve to be compared to this or that particular film; it at least tried that hard to be something unique. Well, if you’re an idiotic asshole you could dare compare it to The Shining; a comparison that will never do Lords any favors whatsoever. But fuck it, I’ll go anyways…. For example, Mother was the only creature in The House Of The Devil and her appearance and reveal still managed to be infinitely freakier than anything trotted out in Lords. Now, on some level Lords was trying to operate on less is more as much as THOTD except the former threw way more visuals at you. Well, guess what; none of the visuals presented were that great or even that memorable.

              The half-assed Dr. Freudstein homage priest guys? They looked burnt like they got left on the grill too long; making them inferior homages to the make-up jobs they were imitating in the first place. Then again, I got Zardoz more than I did Freudstein or Fulci-style ghouls from the damn graveyard goat walkers. But they were walking goats and stroking pink dildos which I guess equals creepy. Get right on the fuck out of here. Zardoz mask guys: just not that interesting or creepy. Fulci homage priests? Ruined by their furious stroking of pink dildos.

              The silhouette of Satansquatch? Big fucking hairy ass deal is all I got to say about that. Not to mention that sorry excuse of a turkey basterd for the Prince Of Darkness reminded me of this little guy.



              I shit you not.

              Now I will say Meg Foster was great inspired casting as the lead witch; particularly because she hasn’t been in anything in a while as opposed to Rob's usual dregs and retreads. On the other hand, why was Dee the third sister to the two English hags? As much as I’m glad she picked up a paycheck it was yet another uneven thing about the movie.

              About the best excuse you can come up with is the budget or lack thereof RZ had to work with; because this didn’t seem like much of a fully realized vision. There was certainly nothing grand about that so-called finale. Even by RZ’s music video standards, the visuals were pretty lacking for the big payoff.

              Arthouse. Outhouse? What’s the difference? This thing may have been a banal 100 minutes spent but that doesn’t mean it really pulled off bleak as far as atmosphere goes. I don’t even know why the dildo stroking priests are considered shocking enough to be considered a major spoiler. It really is as silly as it sounds and the only thing it might reveal is to somebody on the fence that this really isn’t for them.

              A great deal of the praise for Lords seems to be that people appreciated being challenged to come up with their own interpretations and such. That sounds about right because this sure wasn’t a rewarding film viewing experience in the traditional sense with anything resembling a tangible payoff.

              What the fuck was there even to interpret exactly?

              Some piecemeal allegory about addiction being a curse but still more rewarding as an expression and form of individualism than the banal cult of Christianity and any other basic conformity for that matter? I mean fuck….. witch is slang for heroin after all.

              The verdict is in.

              Bah. That was it? Bullshit.

              It never got weird enough for me.
              Last edited by DudeClassicMan; 05-25-2013, 11:24 AM.

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              • Originally posted by Boilersuit_Mayhem View Post
                I almost want to see the further adventures of Satan's wriggly bagpipe of doom.

                Almost.
                The bagpipes leading those flabby slags to their doom was one of the few touches I liked.

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                • Anyone Know what hes directing next?

                  Seriously, the guy is talented. He does set the mood quite well and gives a dark afterglow to a movies proceedings. He phoned this one in, even though it has his distinct signature. Come on Zombie, delve deeper and don't give us some artistic snooze fest.
                  On another note I enjoyed the characters of the protagonist book writer and the three hags.

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                  • I've really enjoyed rob zombies Original films, but highly dislike his Halloween remakes, so naturally I've been excited to see this film, however I have not had a chance to see it yet is there any word on a DVD/Blu Ray release?

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                    • ^ Currently set for a July/August release on DVD.
                      “I know you’re ‘good’ people. I know you mean well… But you just didn’t think it through…. There is only one path to peace… Your extermination.” - Ultron (Avengers: Age of Ultron)

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                      • Have yet to see this. Was thinking of watching it today. Big RZ fan, and think this might be more along the lines of Devil's Rejects rather than Halloween, but we'll see.

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                        • Originally posted by Mr Blonde View Post
                          Have yet to see this. Was thinking of watching it today. Big RZ fan, and think this might be more along the lines of Devil's Rejects rather than Halloween, but we'll see.
                          it's wonderful, and very much its' own beast, difficult to find comparisons to anything contemporary. but if you really appreciate zombie the artist, you should like this. disturbing, unsettling, utterly beautiful, i loved lords.


                          If we suddenly fall should I scream out
                          Or keep very quiet and cling to my mouth as I’m crying
                          So frightened of dying
                          Relax, yes, I’m trying
                          But fear's got a hold on me

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                          • Had a lot of hope and hype going into this one, was just regrettably let down more and more as it went on... couldn't get into it one bit.

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                            • The Lords Of Salem - I was rather impressed by this. Zombie really stepped out of his element, and mostly succeeded. It looks great, sounds great, and has some really solid performances. Zombie proved he can actually create characters, that aren't over the top characatures. The dialogue was surprisingly grounded as well. The conversations felt pretty natural, and when the characters had to turn it up a notch, it didn't forced, like it was written by a twelve year-old. The score was fucking fantastic, and really sets the mood perfectly. The set design was amazing as well. Visually, as far as the sets are concerned, there was rarely a moment when I was bored.

                              The movie isn't as ambiguous as I thought it would be. It's a pretty straight forward story, surrounded by a bunch of WTF sequences. It all worked nicely, and the slow-burn nature of the film was effective. As far as "Witch movies" go, I'd be hard pressed to think of one I've enjoyed more.

                              My only problems with the movie, are the moments where it feels like a Rob Zombie movie. Sherri Moon Zombie is a big problem in this flick. I'm not a hater by any means, but she's just miscast here. Her presence really hurts the film. I can only imagine how much better this would've been with some unknown, young actress in the lead. Zombie also cast some really good actors in here, who just outclass SMZ at every turn. She really sticks out like a sore thumb.

                              While the visual style of the film is great, some of the creature design is downright laughable(looking at you, chicken midget, and guy in a gorilla suit), and just reminds you of something you'd see in one of his music videos, or concerts. Also, while the soundrack and score are very effective and appropriate, there is one scene at the very end of the movie that is so out of place, it boggles my mind. It's basically the end montage of TDR. Some 70's song blaring in the backround, with some flashbacks of the main character enjoying her "normal life" from the past. It's so fucking stupid, and ends the movie on a very sour note.

                              That all being said, I still really enjoyed it overall. Zombie showed some real growth as a filmmaker. If he can avoid putting his over the top, as subtle as a sledge hammer, signature into his future projects, he may turn out to be a damn fine, well rounded director.

                              8.5/10


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                              • Rob Zombie getting love on this site?


                                I'm going ice skating in Hell!


                                EDIT: Is he still re-doing The Blob? With a director of sufficient vision, The Blob could be remade as one hella dark, bloody, and frightening film.
                                Last edited by Jack the Pin; 09-07-2013, 11:32 AM.

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