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‘Cocaine Shark’ Review – Too Little Creature Feature Mayhem Sinks This Schlocky Throwback

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COCAINE SHARK

If you’ve sought out any of Mark Polonia‘s previous microbudget (at best) horror releases, you know what quality ceiling to expect from Cocaine Shark. The movie costs as much as the animation to manipulate Cocaine Bear’s left paw for thirty seconds, maybe even less. Polonia’s signature is churning out poster-perfect titles like Amityville in Space or Sharkula with table-scrap resources, which only sometimes deliver as advertised. Cocaine Shark artwork features a ferocious Great White surrounded by bricks of floating white powder but narratively follows a story that aligns more with Joe Dante’s blink-and-miss laboratory creation in Piranha. It’s “Cocaine Shark” in name and marketing alone, undeniably zany with a less-financially-endowed Troma aroma, but ultimately uninteresting as dull dialogue dominates the seventy-minute duration.

Bando Glutz‘s screenplay blends Deep Blue Sea and Synchronic as an East Coast drug kingpin unleashes a “highly addictive stimulant,” HT25. The narcotic achieves an addictive euphoric sensation but has an odd side effect — the user hallucinates out-of-body shark attacks. That’s because the drug is derived from captive sharks, enhanced by psychotropic nanotechnology and other science-y words unconvincingly delivered by Polonia’s cast. It’s up to undercover cop Nick Braddock (Titus Himmelberger) to infiltrate the organization behind HT25, which he already did or didn’t do, because we meet Braddock bound to a hospital bed, recalling-slash-narrating the events of Cocaine Shark in an attempt to clear hazy amnesia.

Mutated shark

I can’t stress this enough — this isn’t Universal’s Cocaine Shark. If you require a million-dollar-plus baseline of production quality in your movies, swim in the other direction. Polonia makes movies in backyards or presumably loaned vacation homes, crafting special effects with hand puppets, and won’t be achieving the success of one-in-a-million $10K overachievers like Paranormal Activity. There are parts of Cocaine Shark that would be laughed out of film studies programs should they be submitted for evaluation, but that’s partly the point. Cocaine Shark only aims to be a schlocky throwback to after-dark SYFY specials that maximize conceptual intrigue for the cost of pocket change, missing the mark by a submarine’s length.

The sparkless Cocaine Shark doesn’t boast the necessary commitment of, say, a gore-and-puppets creature feature like Llamageddon or the endearingly sweet Baby FrankensteinCocaine Shark attempts to surface absurd mutant experiments from the half-shark, half-human hybrid that’s like an after-school crafts club trying to make a Street Sharks costume or the fully toy-sized “Crab Shark” that’s shown a handful of times as the main antagonist. Unfortunately, the film fails because these somewhat bad-good creature designs are overshadowed by the bait-and-switch detective investigation angle between nondescript characters running an unremarkable drug operation. Cocaine Shark is as much a film about cocaine and sharks as 2020’s Spree is about the tart candy, capitalizing on the scuttlebutt around Elizabeth Banks’ big-studio Cocaine Bear.

mangled face in Cocaine Shark

You don’t need billion-dollar investors to produce a successful movie, but Cocaine Shark just ain’t it. One single conversation between two characters will be cut incoherently back and forth (presuming both actors couldn’t be physically present), lightning goes from white-out to noticeably dim, and video quality won’t remain consistent (imagine edits back-and-forth between digital camcorders and outdated iPhones) — Polonia’s doing what he can with extremely little, which shows in the wrong ways. We’re here to witness hybrid sea monsters attack their seedy creators, but instead get a plodding narration over poorly acted power struggles between law enforcement, backwoods mafiosos, and drug smugglers. The few bloody wounds we see look like ketchup streaks, there’s no real “action” outside a few seconds of Crab Shark munching on crude claymation victims, and that’s basically all. It’s the kind of movie that distinguishes between the good guys and bad guys with backward hats (that’s how you can tell the t-shirted expert hitman apart from everyone else), lacking the ooey-gooey cheese factor of something like kitchen-sink monster mash Mutant Blast. For a movie with “cocaine” in the title, there’s a shocking lack of energy or adrenaline.

Truthfully, Cocaine Shark feels like a dusty finished-yet-shelved title that could immediately pass with a ripoff Cocaine Bear cover to capitalize on popular culture. Did I chuckle at the goofy stop-motion-clunky creatures inserted into scenes with what looks like the free online version of video editing software? Sure, especially when thinking about how Ray Harryhausen would react. Is Cocaine Shark otherwise an imposter masquerading as a drug-fueled creature feature that’s anything but? Between all the embarrassingly indecipherable accents from actors, usage of random B-roll, and bottom-of-the-barrel horror noir storytelling, Cocaine Shark sinks like Titanic 666

Cocaine Shark is currently available on Tubi and snorts its way onto DVD and VOD on July 11, 2023.

1.5 out of 5 skulls

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‘Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire’ Review – Latest Monster Mashup Goes Bigger and Sillier

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GODZILLA X KONG review

The heavyweight championship event that was Godzilla vs. Kong ended in a tenuous truce that saw Godzilla holding dominion over Earth while King Kong claimed Hollow Earth. Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire introduces a new Titan-sized threat from the depths of Hollow Earth, one so dangerous that Kong and his human allies will need all the help they can get to defeat it. Director Adam Wingard continues the kaiju spectacle with the latest Legendary Monsterverse crossover event, this time injecting an even greater sense of adventure and silliness. It’s the type of epic-sized popcorn movie that unleashes nonstop monster brawls and tongue-in-cheek humor in equal measure.

Since the events of Godzilla vs. Kong, Godzilla spends his downtime curling up for naptime in Rome’s Colosseum when not snuffing out rogue Titans that emerge. The kaiju king’s activity is closely monitored by Monarch and Dr. Ilene Andrews (Rebecca Hall). Dr. Andrews also keeps a close eye on Kong through stations established around Hollow Earth access points, and poor Kong is lonely as he still searches for others like him. Then there’s Dr. Andrews’ adoptive daughter Jia (Kaylee Hottle), the sole survivor of the decimated Iwi tribe from Skull Island. Jia’s struggles to find her place in school and society at large get exacerbated by strange new visions that seem directly tied to Hollow Earth.

Dr. Andrews enlists Bernie (Brian Tyree Henry) to help her navigate Jia’s new plight. Once the new threat makes itself known, all three, along with wisecracking kaiju vet Trapper (Dan Stevens), descend into Hollow Earth for answers. Instead, they find a terrifying new battle heating up for kaiju sovereignty. 

Rebecca Hall and Dan Stevens in Godzilla x Kong

The Monsterverse franchise often struggles with its human characters and how they fit into the kaiju mayhem, but screenwriters Terry RossioSimon Barrett, and Jeremy Slater may have finally cleared this hurdle by trimming down the human cast and keeping it simple. Jia’s heritage creates an emotional conflict between her and her adoptive mother that injects a sweet earnestness, while Brian Tyree Henry’s Bernie brings levity. Then there’s the scene-chewing Dan Stevens, whose Trapper gets introduced in style as he performs a tooth extraction from an aircraft with infectious exuberance. Stevens plays the character with the bravado of an ’80s action star but one that’s fully aware of himself and the absurdity of his unique gig. Trapper’s boisterous personality goes far in demonstrating to audiences just how much we’re meant to be having fun and not take everything seriously, so much so that Godzilla x Kong could stand to see more of him.

Of course, the real stars are the monsters, and this, once again, is Kong’s show. Godzilla remains the undisputed heavyweight champion, but it’s Kong’s pursuit of finding his place in Hollow Earth that drives Godzilla x Kong. The required exposition delivery as Wingard corrals the converging plotlines into an action-heavy final act does slow the momentum in the first two-thirds, despite frequent action set pieces. But the main event delivers the promised team-up and then some, thanks to at least one pivotal surprise up Wingard’s sleeves that brings the wow factor to the final battle. That key surprise is pivotal, not just for fan service, but to offset how underwhelming the new enemy is, a generic mirrored inverse of Kong and his frenemy. 

Angry Kong

Wingard and crew seem fully aware of that and play up the cartoonish quality of the premise to maximize the fun factor. While it does indeed evoke the intended sense of fun, especially when Kong flings a smaller ape around as a weapon or dons a power glove, there’s a weightlessness to the whole thing. There’s no real impact to any of it, even though it often looks cool.

It all amounts to a visually polished Saturday morning cartoon filled with monster brawls and the humans who love them. Beyond the charming entertainment, though, Godzilla x Kong is more hollow than Hollow Earth.

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire roars into theaters and IMAX on March 29, 2024.

2.5 out of 5 skulls

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