Connect with us

Editorials

5 Horror Main Characters We Shouldn’t Be Cheering For

Published

on

Movies are a great way to see certain characters and feel inspired to be more like them. We watch movies like Apollo 13 and want to have the leadership of Ed Harris’ Gene Kranz. We see Amelie and think that it’d be nice to do good things for other people for no other reason than to see them smile. Hell, when I watch “Hannibal”, I find myself wanting to be more like Dr. Lecter, in that he is well read, educated, urbane, charming, and elegant. Apart from his strange diet, he’s kinda admirable.

But there are also movies where the main character is an anti-hero, someone that we shouldn’t be cheering for because godDAMN are they an asshole! While I love many of these characters and want to cheer their survival, I also recognize that I shouldn’t approve of their behavior. After all, some of these people are flat out dicks.

So let’s look at a few of these characters that go about things in all the wrong ways!


THERE ARE SPOILERS AHEAD, SO VENTURE FORWARD AT YOUR OWN RISK!


Mary Mason – American Mary

Rape revenge movies aren’t a genre that I particularly enjoy. Honestly, I tend to avoid watching them simply because I find myself getting disgusted and I lose interest in the story. There’s a rape, the rape victim kills the rapist, usually through some horrible method, and that’s that. However, I didn’t know that American Mary was essentially a rape revenge film, so I went into it unaware of what was to come.

While I fully respect where she’s coming from – seriously, fuck that professor – the actions she took went beyond justice and dove right into the deep end of depravity and torture. Mary Mason is not a good person, plain and simple. Her death at the end of the film doesn’t bring satisfaction, it simply helps alleviate the sour taste in my mouth that built throughout the movie.


Snake Plissken – Escape From New York

Okay, hear me out here for a second before crucifying me, alright? Snake is pretty much the perfect example of an anti-hero. He was a decorated military man before turning to a life of crime, using his skills against the government. He’s also a surly prick who doesn’t give a damn about anyone but himself. Sorry, but it’s true and we all know it. People die left and right around Snake and he carries on because he has to save his own neck. Even at the end of Escape From New York, Plissken fucks over a summit that would’ve brought peace between the US, China, and the Soviet Union. It wouldn’t have really affected Snake in any way, shape, or form to allow the summit to carry on. He sabotaged it out of pure spite. What a dick.


Blade – The Blade Films

Blade is an interesting character because his heart is absolutely in the right place (he saves people left and right) but he’s an absolute asshole as a person. So, while he may do the right thing, he does it in a way that makes people go, “…thanks?

I get it. I really do. He’s pissed at vampires for what they did to him and his family. But you would think that after a certain amount of time that he’d learn how to cut loose and have a good time every once in a while. At least in a way that doesn’t involve slaughtering dozens of vampires at a time. Just give me one scene where Blade is not only genuinely grateful to those around him but also goes into his room and instead of meditating in front of his sword he puts on a record and maybe lights up a joint. Give me that and I’ll suddenly have so much more respect for the guy.


The Gecko Brothers – From Dusk Till Dawn

These guys are bank robbers and Richie is a rapist and murderer. Seth isn’t exactly the nicest of individuals either, happily waving his gun around and threatening the lives of pretty much everyone he comes into contact with. Just because Seth helps protect the Fullers doesn’t mean that he’s a good person. He’s still a scumbag who just happened to fall into a situation where he needs as many around him alive as possible so that they can last until morning. He evens says at the end, “I may be a bastard, but I’m not a fucking bastard“, as though that absolves him of his past.

The only person we should be cheering in this film is Tom Savini’s Sex Machine because he’s got a cock gun. End of story.


Ash Williams – Army of Darkness

I have a feeling this is the one where I get my ass handed to me…

Okay, so Ash in Evil Dead is totally fine. He’s a sweet guy who gets caught up in a horrible situation. Ash in Evil Dead 2 is a bit more of a jerk but he’s just a more revved up version of Evil Dead Ash. Army of Darkness and “Ash vs Evil Dead” Ash? Yeah, he’s a prick. He’s a total asshole and what’s even worse is that he knows it and embraces it! His bravado and machismo is there to protect only one person: himself.

Look, I realize that Ash has these great one-liners and Bruce Campbell plays the characters MAGNIFICENTLY! Hell, I love these movies and will happily watch them pretty much any day of the week. But that doesn’t change the fact that Ash is a total dick. I appreciate that he dispatches Deadites with total ease but does he have to be such a bottom-of-the-barrel kinda guy doing it?

Editorials

‘A Haunted House’ and the Death of the Horror Spoof Movie

Published

on

Due to a complex series of anthropological mishaps, the Wayans Brothers are a huge deal in Brazil. Around these parts, White Chicks is considered a national treasure by a lot of people, so it stands to reason that Brazilian audiences would continue to accompany the Wayans’ comedic output long after North America had stopped taking them seriously as comedic titans.

This is the only reason why I originally watched Michael Tiddes and Marlon Wayans’ 2013 horror spoof A Haunted House – appropriately known as “Paranormal Inactivity” in South America – despite having abandoned this kind of movie shortly after the excellent Scary Movie 3. However, to my complete and utter amazement, I found myself mostly enjoying this unhinged parody of Found Footage films almost as much as the iconic spoofs that spear-headed the genre during the 2000s. And with Paramount having recently announced a reboot of the Scary Movie franchise, I think this is the perfect time to revisit the divisive humor of A Haunted House and maybe figure out why this kind of film hasn’t been popular in a long time.

Before we had memes and internet personalities to make fun of movie tropes for free on the internet, parody movies had been entertaining audiences with meta-humor since the very dawn of cinema. And since the genre attracted large audiences without the need for a serious budget, it made sense for studios to encourage parodies of their own productions – which is precisely what happened with Miramax when they commissioned a parody of the Scream franchise, the original Scary Movie.

The unprecedented success of the spoof (especially overseas) led to a series of sequels, spin-offs and rip-offs that came along throughout the 2000s. While some of these were still quite funny (I have a soft spot for 2008’s Superhero Movie), they ended up flooding the market much like the Guitar Hero games that plagued video game stores during that same timeframe.

You could really confuse someone by editing this scene into Paranormal Activity.

Of course, that didn’t stop Tiddes and Marlon Wayans from wanting to make another spoof meant to lampoon a sub-genre that had been mostly overlooked by the Scary Movie series – namely the second wave of Found Footage films inspired by Paranormal Activity. Wayans actually had an easier time than usual funding the picture due to the project’s Found Footage presentation, with the format allowing for a lower budget without compromising box office appeal.

In the finished film, we’re presented with supposedly real footage recovered from the home of Malcom Johnson (Wayans). The recordings themselves depict a series of unexplainable events that begin to plague his home when Kisha Davis (Essence Atkins) decides to move in, with the couple slowly realizing that the difficulties of a shared life are no match for demonic shenanigans.

In practice, this means that viewers are subjected to a series of familiar scares subverted by wacky hijinks, with the flick featuring everything from a humorous recreation of the iconic fan-camera from Paranormal Activity 3 to bizarre dance numbers replacing Katy’s late-night trances from Oren Peli’s original movie.

Your enjoyment of these antics will obviously depend on how accepting you are of Wayans’ patented brand of crass comedy. From advanced potty humor to some exaggerated racial commentary – including a clever moment where Malcom actually attempts to move out of the titular haunted house because he’s not white enough to deal with the haunting – it’s not all that surprising that the flick wound up with a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes despite making a killing at the box office.

However, while this isn’t my preferred kind of humor, I think the inherent limitations of Found Footage ended up curtailing the usual excesses present in this kind of parody, with the filmmakers being forced to focus on character-based comedy and a smaller scale story. This is why I mostly appreciate the love-hate rapport between Kisha and Malcom even if it wouldn’t translate to a healthy relationship in real life.

Of course, the jokes themselves can also be pretty entertaining on their own, with cartoony gags like the ghost getting high with the protagonists (complete with smoke-filled invisible lungs) and a series of silly The Exorcist homages towards the end of the movie. The major issue here is that these legitimately funny and genre-specific jokes are often accompanied by repetitive attempts at low-brow humor that you could find in any other cheap comedy.

Not a good idea.

Not only are some of these painfully drawn out “jokes” incredibly unfunny, but they can also be remarkably offensive in some cases. There are some pretty insensitive allusions to sexual assault here, as well as a collection of secondary characters defined by negative racial stereotypes (even though I chuckled heartily when the Latina maid was revealed to have been faking her poor English the entire time).

Cinephiles often claim that increasingly sloppy writing led to audiences giving up on spoof movies, but the fact is that many of the more beloved examples of the genre contain some of the same issues as later films like A Haunted House – it’s just that we as an audience have (mostly) grown up and are now demanding more from our comedy. However, this isn’t the case everywhere, as – much like the Elves from Lord of the Rings – spoof movies never really died, they simply diminished.

A Haunted House made so much money that they immediately started working on a second one that released the following year (to even worse reviews), and the same team would later collaborate once again on yet another spoof, 50 Shades of Black. This kind of film clearly still exists and still makes a lot of money (especially here in Brazil), they just don’t have the same cultural impact that they used to in a pre-social-media-humor world.

At the end of the day, A Haunted House is no comedic masterpiece, failing to live up to the laugh-out-loud thrills of films like Scary Movie 3, but it’s also not the trainwreck that most critics made it out to be back in 2013. Comedy is extremely subjective, and while the raunchy humor behind this flick definitely isn’t for everyone, I still think that this satirical romp is mostly harmless fun that might entertain Found Footage fans that don’t take themselves too seriously.

Continue Reading