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Gremlins are from Space?! Lessons Learned from Horror Novelizations!

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As a child I used to love tie-in novelizations based on my favorite films. They were like a great placeholder between being able to own the movies on VHS and watch them whenever I wanted. I remember getting in trouble for reading Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park in the fourth grade (it was apparently “too adult”), yet I found humor in the fact I was able to pick up the novel based on the movie at the library’s book fair. Horror film novelizations have become quite the item for collectors. A quick search on eBay shows a Re-animator novel going for $200 and a signed copy of The Bride of Frankenstein selling for a jaw-dropping 28k!

The allure of these quicky tie-ins seems to fall on the fact a lot of these books were written before the films themselves were ever completed. The authors had very little to go off of other than early drafts of the films’ screenplays. This can lead to some truly interesting deviations from the finished products. Take for example the tie-in for April Fools Day. The novel includes a completely different ending that sees the character of Skip attempting to murder Muffy in order to reap the family inheritance for himself. While apparently this ending was actually filmed, it’s never seen the light of day. For now the novel remains the only insight into that infamous sequence.

So, what are some other surprise revelations that appear in classic horror film novelizations? Let’s take a look, shall we?


‘Gremlins’ by George Gipe

As many fans know, Chris Columbus’s original screenplay for the Christmas horror classic was much darker in tone than the film turned out to be in the hands of Joe Dante. Gremlins was filled with wild Looney Tunes-esque gags that brought a sense of fun to the fearful tale of a small town monster invasion. The novelization was likely based on an earlier draft as it doesn’t feature the over the top lunacy of the tavern sequence. Therefore, one of the most apparent difference here is in tone. Gipe weaves a more straightforward horror tale. The biggest jaw dropper, however, comes from the truly bananas origin given to the Mogwai.

The opening chapter is told entirely from the perspective of Gizmo as he awaits dinner from the shopkeeper. It is here we are given insight into just where the Mogwai come from. They were created by a man named Mogturmen on the planet of Enz. Yes, the Gremlins came from outer space! Where else? Apparently Mogturmen’s intentions were pure:

“… the galactic powers ordered the Mogwai sent to every inhabitable planet in the universe, their purpose being to inspire alien beings with their peaceful spirit and intelligence and to instruct them in the ways of living without violence and possible extinction.”

So, sure, it didn’t necessarily work out that way, but at least the guy was trying to get into the spirit of giving. Tis’ the season and all.


‘Return of the Living Dead’ by John Russo

John Russo is an interesting character. He helped produce George Romero’s original classic, Night of the Living Dead, and after a legal battle, the two men went their separate ways. George was given the rights to “of the Dead” whereas Russo was granted “of the Living Dead”. 10 years after the release of Night, Russo set out to try to launch his own sequel. Meanwhile, Romero’s Dawn of the Dead was already nearing release. Russo’s plan was to pen a direct sequel to Night in the form of a novel, hoping to drum up interest for the film adaptation.

Russo’s 78′ novel of Return of the Living Dead exists in a world that has come to terms with the zombie plague. When people die, you simply destroy their brains to keep them from coming back. The story opens with a bus load of kids dying in a tragic accident. The townsfolk aren’t able to terminate the soon to be walking dead in time, and pretty soon the town is overrun with new hordes of the living dead. In typical Russo fashion, the characters are horrendous people who do more harm than the zombies lumbering about. Needless to say, once Dan O’Bannon came on board eight years later, Russo’s original concept was tossed out to the funerary heap.

Upon the release of the film, Return of the Living Dead, Russo saw another opportunity to mark his territory. He wrote the movie’s novelization! That’s right, there are TWO books penned by John Russo with the title Return of the Living Dead. Ultimately, this version stays pretty true to the finished film sans a Cold War conspiracy leading to the outbreak rather than US military fumbling. It seems Russian spies were sent to random locations throughout the US (such as U-Needa) to plant the barrels of toxic gas. Their hopes were that some day the metal would erode causing a massive outbreak across the country? Yep. That’s a plan, alright.


‘Halloween’ by Dennis Etchison

Michael Myers as presented in John Carpenter’s seminal slasher pic was the walking/stalking embodiment of evil. It wasn’t until years later we were told the “Cult of Thorn” somehow imbued evil into little Mikey to set him loose on that inaugural killing spree, or according to Rob Zombie, it was a piss poor home life. Either way, fans have never been too keen on explaining the evil or trying to rationalize it. With promise the newest incarnation of the Halloween series will return to the franchise’s roots, it’s interesting to see what direction that original film might have taken.

While as far as we know, Carpenter never intended a specific supernatural origin to be attributed to Michael. That said, the master himself did drop a few clues within the first two films. Take for instance the word “Samhain” scrawled across the classroom chalkboard in Halloween 2. The Celtic festival from which Halloween originated is given even more prominence in the original film’s novelization. The book opens with this ominous passage:

“The horror started on the eve of Samhain, in a foggy vale in northern Ireland at the dawn of the Celtic race. And once started, it trod the earth forevermore, wreaking its savagery suddenly, swiftly, and with incredible ferocity. Then, its lust sated, it shrank back into the mists of time for a year, a decade, a generation perhaps. But it slept only and did not die, for it could not be killed. And on the eve before Samhain it would stir, and if the lust were powerful enough, it would rise to fulfill the curse invoked so many Samhains before.”

As a huge Halloween history buff, the concept of Michael Myers being taken over by an ancient Celtic curse more defined than Thorn is exciting if not wholly unnecessary. The novel further solidifies Michael’s supernatural urgings by allowing us to witness him trick-or-treating just hours before stabbing his sister to death. He claims the voices “tell me to say I hate people.” It’s even alluded that his grandfather suffered a similar psychosis many years ago. Once whisked away to Smith’s Grove, the story switches to Dr. Loomis’s perspective where we’re told those who have slighted Michael in any way have a strange habit of turning up injured.

It’s certainly for the best that these details never made it to the final film or were merely dreamed up by the novel’s author, Etchison. Nonetheless, it does make an easy breezy read just ripe for a chilly autumn day.


‘The Funhouse’ by Dean Koontz

This is one novelization that is strikingly different from the source material. Written by a young Dean Koontz (under the name “Owen West”), this movie tie-in has the rare distinction of being released well before the film in which it’s based upon. Tobe Hooper’s Funhouse had a longer than expected production, and apparently massive changes were made to the script from which Koontz adapted his novel from.

The finished film is a fairly standard “teens trapped in an isolated location fight for their lives against a crazed boogeyman” slasher flick. In fact, Universal Pictures greenlit the film in hopes of generating their own Friday the 13th style success. The novel tackles similar ground but throws in Satanist, the antichrist, and abortions. Ellen is young woman who is madly in love with a carnival worker named Conrad. Against her parents wishes, she runs away with the man and soon becomes pregnant after realizing she is merely a pawn to bring forth the antichrist.

After giving birth, Ellen destroys the mutant child and is cursed by her husband, vowing he will return to her years later to kill her and her future children. Flash forward to 25 years later and Ellen’s teenage daughter has just discovered she’s pregnant. Ellen flips out and demands she abort the child…ya know, just in case it’s another antichrist. Around this same time, the carnival is pulling into town and Conrad is prepared to finally exact his revenge. He manages to lure Ellen’s children to the carnival with intent to sick his OTHER mutant child on them. As you can see, Dean Koontz’s Funhouse is all over the place in the most delightfully twisted way. I can barely imagine what Hooper’s film may have looked like had it followed this version more closely.

While novelizations are still made today, they are nowhere near as popular as they once were. It’s a fascinating world to dig into with infinite variations on some of our most beloved classics.

Do you have a fondly remembered novelization from yesteryear? Are there any specific ones worth tracking down?

Editorials

‘Amityville Karen’ Is a Weak Update on ‘Serial Mom’ [Amityville IP]

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Amityville Karen horror

Twice a month Joe Lipsett will dissect a new Amityville Horror film to explore how the “franchise” has evolved in increasingly ludicrous directions. This is “The Amityville IP.”

A bizarre recurring issue with the Amityville “franchise” is that the films tend to be needlessly complicated. Back in the day, the first sequels moved away from the original film’s religious-themed haunted house storyline in favor of streamlined, easily digestible concepts such as “haunted lamp” or “haunted mirror.”

As the budgets plummeted and indie filmmakers capitalized on the brand’s notoriety, it seems the wrong lessons were learned. Runtimes have ballooned past the 90-minute mark and the narratives are often saggy and unfocused.

Both issues are clearly on display in Amityville Karen (2022), a film that starts off rough, but promising, and ends with a confused whimper.

The promise is embodied by the tinge of self-awareness in Julie Anne Prescott (The Amityville Harvest)’s screenplay, namely the nods to John Waters’ classic 1994 satire, Serial Mom. In that film, Beverly Sutphin (an iconic Kathleen Turner) is a bored, white suburban woman who punished individuals who didn’t adhere to her rigid definition of social norms. What is “Karen” but a contemporary equivalent?

In director/actor Shawn C. Phillips’ film, Karen (Lauren Francesca) is perpetually outraged. In her introductory scenes, she makes derogatory comments about immigrants, calls a female neighbor a whore, and nearly runs over a family blocking her driveway. She’s a broad, albeit familiar persona; in many ways, she’s less of a character than a caricature (the living embodiment of the name/meme).

These early scenes also establish a fairly straightforward plot. Karen is a code enforcement officer with plans to shut down a local winery she has deemed disgusting. They’re preparing for a big wine tasting event, which Karen plans to ruin, but when she steals a bottle of cursed Amityville wine, it activates her murderous rage and goes on a killing spree.

Simple enough, right?

Unfortunately, Amityville Karen spins out of control almost immediately. At nearly every opportunity, Prescott’s screenplay eschews narrative cohesion and simplicity in favour of overly complicated developments and extraneous characters.

Take, for example, the wine tasting event. The film spends an entire day at the winery: first during the day as a band plays, then at a beer tasting (???) that night. Neither of these events are the much touted wine-tasting, however; that is actually a private party happening later at server Troy (James Duval)’s house.

Weirdly though, following Troy’s death, the party’s location is inexplicably moved to Karen’s house for the climax of the film, but the whole event plays like an afterthought and features a litany of characters we have never met before.

This is a recurring issue throughout Amityville Karen, which frequently introduces random characters for a scene or two. Karen is typically absent from these scenes, which makes them feel superfluous and unimportant. When the actress is on screen, the film has an anchor and a narrative drive. The scenes without her, on the other hand, feel bloated and directionless (blame editor Will Collazo Jr., who allows these moments to play out interminably).

Compounding the issue is that the majority of the actors are non-professionals and these scenes play like poorly performed improv. The result is long, dull stretches that features bad actors talking over each other, repeating the same dialogue, and generally doing nothing to advance the narrative or develop the characters.

While Karen is one-note and histrionic throughout the film, at least there’s a game willingness to Francesca’s performance. It feels appropriately campy, though as the film progresses, it becomes less and less clear if Amityville Karen is actually in on the joke.

Like Amityville Cop before it, there are legit moments of self-awareness (the Serial Mom references), but it’s never certain how much of this is intentional. Take, for example, Karen’s glaringly obvious wig: it unconvincingly fails to conceal Francesca’s dark hair in the back, but is that on purpose or is it a technical error?

Ultimately there’s very little to recommend about Amityville Karen. Despite the game performance by its lead and the gentle homages to Serial Mom’s prank call and white shoes after Labor Day jokes, the never-ending improv scenes by non-professional actors, the bloated screenplay, and the jittery direction by Phillips doom the production.

Clocking in at an insufferable 100 minutes, Amityville Karen ranks among the worst of the “franchise,” coming in just above Phillips’ other entry, Amityville Hex.

Amityville Karen

The Amityville IP Awards go to…

  • Favorite Subplot: In the afternoon event, there’s a self-proclaimed “hot boy summer” band consisting of burly, bare-chested men who play instruments that don’t make sound (for real, there’s no audio of their music). There’s also a scheming manager who is skimming money off the top, but that’s not as funny.
  • Least Favorite Subplot: For reasons that don’t make any sense, the winery is also hosting a beer tasting which means there are multiple scenes of bartender Alex (Phillips) hoping to bring in women, mistakenly conflating a pint of beer with a “flight,” and goading never before seen characters to chug. One of them describes the beer as such: “It looks like a vampire menstruating in a cup” (it’s a gold-colored IPA for the record, so…no).
  • Amityville Connection: The rationale for Karen’s killing spree is attributed to Amityville wine, whose crop was planted on cursed land. This is explained by vino groupie Annie (Jennifer Nangle) to band groupie Bianca (Lilith Stabs). It’s a lot of nonsense, but it is kind of fun when Annie claims to “taste the damnation in every sip.”
  • Neverending Story: The film ends with an exhaustive FIVE MINUTE montage of Phillips’ friends posing as reporters in front of terrible green screen discussing the “killer Karen” story. My kingdom for Amityville’s regular reporter Peter Sommers (John R. Walker) to return!
  • Best Line 1: Winery owner Dallas (Derek K. Long), describing Karen: “She’s like a walking constipation with a hemorrhoid”
  • Best Line 2: Karen, when a half-naked, bleeding woman emerges from her closet: “Is this a dream? This dream is offensive! Stop being naked!”
  • Best Line 3: Troy, upset that Karen may cancel the wine tasting at his house: “I sanded that deck for days. You don’t just sand a deck for days and then let someone shit on it!”
  • Worst Death: Karen kills a Pool Boy (Dustin Clingan) after pushing his head under water for literally 1 second, then screeches “This is for putting leaves on my plants!”
  • Least Clear Death(s): The bodies of a phone salesman and a barista are seen in Karen’s closet and bathroom, though how she killed them are completely unclear
  • Best Death: Troy is stabbed in the back of the neck with a bottle opener, which Karen proceeds to crank
  • Wannabe Lynch: After drinking the wine, Karen is confronted in her home by Barnaby (Carl Solomon) who makes her sign a crude, hand drawn blood contract and informs her that her belly is “pregnant from the juices of his grapes.” Phillips films Barnaby like a cross between the unhoused man in Mulholland Drive and the Mystery Man in Lost Highway. It’s interesting, even if the character makes absolutely no sense.
  • Single Image Summary: At one point, a random man emerges from the shower in a towel and excitedly poops himself. This sequence perfectly encapsulates the experience of watching Amityville Karen.
  • Pray for Joe: Many of these folks will be back in Amityville Shark House and Amityville Webcam, so we’re not out of the woods yet…

Next time: let’s hope Christmas comes early with 2022’s Amityville Christmas Vacation. It was the winner of Fangoria’s Best Amityville award, after all!

Amityville Karen movie

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