Top 10 Worst Things That Could’ve Been in Brundle’s Machine… Besides a Fly

I think we can all agree that even as horror movie characters go, Seth Brundle got a pretty raw deal. Brilliant scientist, hot girlfriend, thought he was about to change the world with the most revolutionary invention since the wheel. But things didn’t turn out so well for Dr. Brundle in the 1986 classic The Fly, did they? Yet believe it or not, it could’ve been worse. Brundle’s downfall came because a fly happened to wander into his teleportation pod and merge its DNA with his. But there are a lot of other things that could’ve accidentally been in that pod. Here are the top ten worst of them…

The Top 10 Worst Things That Could’ve Been in Brundle’s Machine… Besides a Fly

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10. A Fish

It’s entirely conceivable that, had Seth Brundle teleported with a guppy or something, he might’ve ended up like Kevin Costner in Waterworld. Costner’s implausible gills were just one of the things that ruined that turkey, imagine what they would’ve done to Cronenberg’s masterpiece!

9. A Dog

Take a human and a canine, put them together in this chromosomal Cuisinart, and what do you end up with? That’s right kids, it’s Bob Dog from Mr. Rogers, quite possibly the creepiest character in the history of children’s television!

8. A Bird

This one’s kind of easy to figure out. If you put a bird and a man together and mixed their DNA, you’d have…well, Birdman of course. Jeff Goldblum would look pretty damn goofy in that ridiculous Hanna-Barbera get-up, but at least he might be able to land a job as a lawyer…

7. A Horse

There are really two ways this could go. If Brundle was lucky, he might walk out a centaur. That would actually be kind of kick-ass. But, on the other hand, he could turn out like Mr. Ed. What’s that? How would he fit a horse in the chamber? You’re thinking too much, just go with it.

6. A Goat

The brilliant minds behind Saturday Night Live already contemplated this one a few years back, and the result was Goat-Boy, portrayed by the one and only Jim Breuer of Half-Baked fame. I’m especially glad it didn’t go down like this. Who wants to see a one-trick pony SNL skit stretched out for an hour and a half?

5. A Houseplant

There’s a very good chance that if Brundle had absentmindedly left his geranium lying around the transporter pod, he could’ve been turned not into the Fly, but rather the Swamp Thing. Hey, going from Geena Davis to Heather Locklear is trading up, in my book.

4. An Ant

When it comes to insects, the good doctor should thank his lucky stars that it was a fly and not an ant that had crawled in there with him. If it had been, Brundle just may have found himself transformed into Ant-Man, comicdom’s lamest hero of all time. And don’t give me that “proportionate strength of an ant” crap. He sucks.

3. Geena Davis

What if Goldblum had taken the big leap with his leading lady by his side? I shudder to think of what may have emerged from that capsule once their two genders had merged, the testosterone and estrogen blended together…Alright, who am I kidding, Davis probably had more testosterone than he did.

2. An Alien

I’m talking about the Ridley Scott/James Cameron, face-sucker, double-jawed variety of Aliens here. Unfortunately, anyone who made it through Alien: Resurrection knows exactly what a human/Alien hybrid looks like. Once was enough, thank you very much.

and the number one worst creature that could’ve possibly gotten into the teleporter with Seth Brundle…

1. A Cat

After leaving Broadway’s Wintergarden Theater ten years ago feeling robbed of fifty bucks, I’ve seen all the people in furry suits that I ever want to see. The last thing any of us needs is to watch Jeff Goldblum prancing around dressed like Rum Tum Tugger. And if you thought the medicine closet filled with body parts was bad, there’s no way you’d be ready for the dreaded litterbox scene…

For more of my opinions on the world of horror, plus news and other interesting stuff, check out my daily blog, The Vault of Horror.