So this past weekend brings us Jenna Jameson in ZOMBIE STRIPPERS. Seems like a rather bizarre way for a ghoul to make a living. Yet, over the years, the undead have undertaken a surprising number of varied jobs. They’re not content to just shamble around aimlessly, no sir. “Exotic dancer” is just the tip of the iceberg. Here’s a look at the ten most unusual zombie occupations…
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He’s gonna eat your brains and gain your knowledge. That’s what the zombified Dr. William Block tells his wife just before blowing their son’s face off. As healthcare standards go these days, that’s not much worse than most HMOs.
This movie is filled with terrific zombie jobs, featuring the undead contributing to the greater good of society in lots of ways. But my personal favorite has got to be the poor meatbag who goes around hurtling bottles of milk at the doors of unsuspecting suburbanites.
After arriving on the scene only to have their cranial cavities emptied out like quarts of Haagen-Dasz, these dutiful boys in blue get right back up and continue right where they left off–even if they’ve pretty much thrown out all that “protect and serve” nonsense.
There are a lot of us who might not even notice if our local bartender had been turned into a zombie. Unfortunately, Shaun and Ed are forced to bludgeon John, the Winchester’s pint-slinger. But at least they had the good sense to choose a decent musical accompaniment.
The Knights Templar were badass enough when they were alive and stomping down heathens during the Crusades. But after spending a few cursed centuries cooped up underground? Forget about it.
George Romero must have a thing for zombies in greasepaint. After all, there were zombie clowns in Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead and Diary of the Dead. But it’s Diary’s undead harlequin that takes the cake–pardon the pun. Worst. Birthday party. Ever.
Not sure why I picked out the tuba player in particular–the entire zombie marching band in Land of the Dead pretty much rules. But if I had to single out one musician, I guess it would be Tuba Zombie. After all, it’s hard enough to muster up the lungpower to play that thing when you’re alive…
Having endured thirteen years of Catholic school, Romero’s bit of religious commentary really struck a chord with me. Besides, she was almost as scary as my kindergarten teacher, Sister Ignatius. A zombie nun may bite you, but she’d never paddle you for playing with your CHiPs actions figures during class.
Hey, I know it may not be his actual profession, but I was always damn impressed with that underwater revenant. From where I sit, he can swim better than most living people–plus he fights with a friggin’ shark! Somebody get that zombie a nature show!
and finally, the number-one most unusual zombie occupation…
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the airport! I know my usual rule is not to include more than one example from the same movie, but this time I just couldn’t resist. The original DOTD is filled with so many hard-working zombies–from the janitor, to the nurse, to the service station attendant. The list goes on and on. But this flesh-eating tambourine-shaker trumps all. I don’t know who felt more terrified–Gaylen Ross when she got cornered in that upstairs apartment, or me when I got cornered at the LaGuardia baggage check.
For more news and opinions on the world of horror, including the first part of The History of the Modern Zombie Movie and a look at why Hollywood thinks horror fans are dumb, check out Brian’s daily blog, The Vault of Horror, at thevaultofhorror.net. The Vault is also a proud member of the League of Tana Tea-Drinkers, an association of horror bloggers which you can find out more about here.