In what some of you will find very offensive, while others will laugh your arses off, James Gunn sent Moviehole over a memo he received from Jesus. It seems that Jesus really loved the movie Dawn of the Dead (review), which hits theaters today, and says it’s time for a new movie to take the #1 spot at the box office. Read on to see what the holy one had to say and don’t forget you can post your reviews here!
TO: JAMES GUNN
Just returned from a screening of DAWN OF THE DEAD and, I have to admit, it is REALLY FRICKIN’ AWESOME. Now, I know you’re going head-to-head at the box office this weekend with “ME” (the actual title, I guess, is THE PASSION OF CHRIST, but, you know, I feel pretentious saying that all the time – so I’ve been calling it “ME”), but I have to be honest, I actually like DAWN OF THE DEAD better. Way. ME is gory, but DAWN OF THE DEAD is even gorier, and God knows I love gore – Why do you think I made humans so squishy? Also, I found that scene where your heroes shot the Burt Reynolds look-a-like HILARIOUS. I ****ing HATE Burt Reynolds (well, except SHARKY’S MACHINE – that was pretty good.)
Anyway, I’d like to offer you a blessing to kick my own ass at the box office this weekend. ME has ruled long enough and, frankly, I’m ready for something a little less preachy. And I wasn’t too thrilled with Jim Caviezel. Why couldn’t Ving Rhames have played me? Back in 32, I worked out all summer, had huge muscles – I knew my big moment was about to come – and yet I don’t get credit for it in a single movie or painting. Everyone always draws me like a *****. Spilt milk, I guess, but still….
Hey, you know what’s weird? The movie that’s going to displace Mel’s flick as the number one film in America also contains people rising from the dead! I mean, I’m not a zombie – well, not technically. But, you have to admit, it would have been great fun if I had come out of the tomb growling, howling, “Give me human flesh now!!” Ha ha! That would have really freaked those guys out! “Doubting Thomas” would surely be known as “Soiled Thomas” today. Me-dammit – why don’t I ever think of these great gags until AFTER the chance is long gone?
So, anyway, yeah, I loved DAWN. Loved it, loved it, loved it. I was a big fan of the original, but I think yours lives up to Romero’s movie and then some (I am just so totally embarrassed I signed that anti-Dawn remake petition on the web. I can be such an asshole sometimes. To make up for it, I’ll send everyone else who signed it to Hell.) Anyway, feel free to quote me — “DAWN OF THE DEAD has all the action I wished THE PASSION had. It also scared the Bejesus out of me – and, being that I’m Jesus, I have more Bejesus than anyone else of all time. It’s Christeriffic!”
So, anyway, you can’t see me right now, but I’m up here doing some magical hand motions so that you’ll be number one this weekend. I know there’s a bunch of people who are harping on it being Good Vs. Evil at the boxoffice this weekend, but that’s bull****. What? I get all the sucky, wussy **** like THE PASSION and CODY BANKS, and, like, Satan gets all the good stuff? No way! Down with THE PASSION! Long live the new DAWN OF THE DEAD! Thus is the Word of God!