Negative Script Review: ‘Flight of the Dead’

Reported a few weeks back by the trades (here) was that Lions Gate Films would be making a new zombie flick entitled Flight of the Dead, which is about zombies on an airplane. One of my good buddies Professor Anonymous, whom works for OOOW MY TOE!! (I just jammed it), sent me in a script review for the film, which he claims looks worse than Uwe Boll’s piece of trash House of the Dead (is that possible?). Anyways, enough of my talking you to death, according to the Professor, there’s plenty of pain and suffering in the film to come. Read on for the script review!

Zom-bie also zom-bi n : a person who is believed to have died and been brought back to life without speech or free will.
-Webster’s New Explorer Dictionary and Thesaurus

Deep down, we all love scary movies. As far back as I can remember, I’ve had a love/hate relationship with scary movies. As a child, I couldn’t get enough of them. My best friends were some pissed off dude in a hockey mask, a charred serial killer with “weird fingernails”, and that guy with the white mask. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I could trust these merry men to keep on truckin’ in their own personal way. I couldn’t get enough of them. This wasn’t the case with the undead. You see, back then, zombies scared be bejesus out of me. Christ I don’t remember which grade I was in, but, one day during show and tell, someone played Michael Jackson’s Thriller video. Nowadays, the mere mention of ol’ M.J.’s name will scare any pre-pubescent boy senseless. But, back then, that freakin’ video made me cry my eyes out. It traumatised me. For weeks, I avoided every single manhole I came across on my way back from school for fear that some gooey zombie would come out of it. I thought that this would plague me forever. But one day, I faced my fears and I rented “Dawn of the dead”. Don’t ask me why but my trauma became an ever-growing fascination with all things undead. Jason, Freddy, and Michael became second fiddle in my repertoire. I was obsessed with zombie flicks and still am to this day. I saw every single zombie flick ever made, from the best to Jean Rollin. Which brings me to this “Flight of the dead” script. Don’t ask me who wrote it, I didn’t care. All I knew was that it had zombies in it. I had to seek it out. I had to get my hands on it. I had to know EVERYTHING.

You know the expression “Ignorance is bliss”? Well, it couldn’t be truer in my case when it comes to this so-called script. Do you remember when your parents told you that Santa Claus didn’t exist? Well, that was nothing compared to my disappointment after reading this feeble attempt at script writing. Where does one start? Here’s the “story” in a nutshell:

One stormy night, two serial killers, who happen to be brothers, are executed. Their bodies have to be shipped back to their British homeland. Alas, the only London-bound flight that night is a chartered flight, booked by an illustrious, multi-platinum, Hip Hop star and his “entourage”. Through “amazing” circumstance, the bodies wind up on board, along with many hard-pressed individuals, all of whom must be in London ASAP. Enter the bratty kid going back home after visiting his relatives abroad, the newlywed couple going on their honeymoon, the sports team of some kind going to the UK for a competition, the hard-as-nails (is there any other kind?) retired Army General going to present the Queen with a sword (or something)- and finally, the Hip Hop star. Ok. You’re saying, “Yo! What’s wrong with dat, playah? Represent!” and I hear ya. But what I failed to mention is that this “rapper” does just that. He “raps”. Fine. What else is new? In case I wasn’t clear enough, let me explain. Every single time that this character opens his mouth, which he does quite a bit, he rhymes. When he orders his dinner, he rhymes. When he talks to his fine honeys, he rhymes. When he’s fending off bloodthirsty zombies, HE RHYMES! I’m sorry but I doubt that even Ice Cube would be that quick on the verbiage, but I digress. Back to our “story”. When the plane is accidentally struck by lightning (remember it’s a “stormy night”), the two brothers are reanimated and go on an all-you-can-eat rampage.

You’re probably wondering why I put Webster’s definition of the word “Zombie” at the beginning of this. Did you read it carefully? Notice how it ends? “-and been brought back to life without speech or free will” Now, I know that these zombies are British, but, I doubt that gives them the right to crack wise every time they have a bite to eat. You heard me. These bumbling zombies make jokes and pun their asses off like George Carlin. Saying stuff like “Why is it that you’re always still hungry after eating Chinese?” AFTER THEY KILLED AN ASIAN PASSENGER! It was bad enough that zombies started running like mad, now they’re going to “entertain” us with their witty repartee? Oy vey!

I cannot begin to tell you how profoundly insulted I felt after reading this garbage. This thing pisses on everything us zombie fans love about the genre. I realise that you have to suspend your disbelief when faced with a story involving zombies but this is ridiculous. “House of the dead” was a masterpiece compared to this (Yeah, I’m going there). I don’t know what else to say. I still don’t know who wrote it and I really don’t care. Things like these make me hate scary movies. Wait a minute. No they don’t. I could have read this thing at 4 A.M. on a New York subway and it still wouldn’t have scared me. I guess I still love scary movies after all…