Editorials
Best & Worst of 2009: Tex Massacre Picks His Top 10!
Tim Anderson, known as Tex Massacre here in the site, is our main man when it comes to DVDs. He watches more films that I can even imagine sitting through. In fact, I wouldn’t be shocked if his brains were mush by now. This morning Tex, our longest writer on staff, submitted his picks for the best and worst films of 2009. Beyond the break you’ll find his selections for the TOP 10 horror films of 2009. What do you guys think?
David Harley (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best/Worst)
TEX MASSACRE’S TOP 10 OF 2009
This was a very good year for studio horror films that didn’t suck and remakes that weren’t nearly as ill conceived as one might expect them to be. Lionsgate kicked the year off right with a near perfect slasher reboot, taking the basic premise of the classic 1981 Canuxploitation flick adding an extra dimension (literally), and piling on the blood and the boobs. In the end, the most prescient thing about the film was that only 3 weeks into the new year, the tone was already set for 12 months of horror that reminded us how much fun our beloved gene can be.
Surely a film to divide it’s audience, Paranormal Activity will likely be remembered as much for the fact that it raked in over a 100 million domestic box office dollars–on a 15 thousand dollar budget– as it will be for that fact that a good 50% of its viewing audience undoubtedly hated it. For me, this flick represents a near perfect example of the power of suggestion and the electric energy that is generated by seeing a film, in a theater, with a band of brothers and sisters whose only goal is get scared right out of their skin.
Stand up fanboys and fangirls if your spider-senses tingled at the thought that 2009 was the year Sam Rami would save the horror genre. We’ll he came, he saw, and he slapsticked his way back into the low budget (well…compared to what he’s been spending) world of gore (well…as much as you can expect from a PG-13 film). Was it all we ever hoped it would be? Not really. Was it another damn fine night at the multiplex? Hell yeah it was! Hey Sam….time to dust off that old boomstick before Spidey 4 sucks you back into summer movie hell!
I saw these two films about two weeks apart from each other at two separate film festivals in March and April. The first one was at the SXSW Film Festival in Austin, Texas and the second was at the Florida Film Festival. Both flicks are zombie-dramas about boys who keep undead girls locked up for their own twisted needs. But, despite the basic similarities in their plots, these films are as wildly divergent as they are amazingly effective. Make-out with Violence is a lyrical and atmospheric mood piece that is haunting in its beauty. Deadgirl is like what you might get if director Larry Clark (Bully) decided to make a zombie movie–sick and disturbing and choc-ful-o raw and troubling sexual content. Both films stand alone as genuinely creative productions, but together they frame an exciting group of filmmakers that are reinventing the genre right in front of our eyes.
Director Emily Hagins has just completed her feature-length zombie film Pathogen, she’s cast it, produced it, shot it, scored it and edited it. It was a labor of love, full of all the learning experiences you’d expect from someone that’s never really made a feature film before–unexpected budget overages, abusing your friends and family, losing footage, re-shoots, fake blood, long nights editing the damn thing on your home computer, you know the drill. The big difference this time? Emily Hagins is 12-years old. Zombie Girl is just a “wow” documentary! What’s more amazing than watching the film unfold, is the fact that not only does Emily succeed in the face of insurmountable odds, its that…I’ve seen Pathogen…and the film is pretty fucking good! Emily is 17 now and working on more feature film scripts everyday! Watch out…cause she’s coming to get you…er…um…Barbara?
Every year, I think that the French New Wave of Horror can’t possible get any more graphic and gory than it did the year before. Then they make, Inside or Frontier(s) or Martyrs! If you think “torture porn” is only the exalted crimson realm of Eli Roth or Jigsaw, then you need to bow down to your new God…Pascal Laugier. Few films can make me cringe, Martyrs damn near made me gouge out my own eyeballs before it was over.
A lot of filmmakers try to homage the movies they loved growing up. Sometimes they do an admirable job at paying respect to the past. Sometimes they do an admirable job at reinventing the past. But, what they never do, and I mean never, is make a film that is indiscernible from the past. Until now. Until Ti West. Until The House of the Devil. Everything from the music, to the lighting, to the 16mm film stock, to the camera angles, set ups, and movements…it’s all authentic. This is a film that could have been made 30 years ago. A film that looks like it was made 30 years ago. It’s grossly fascinating on so many levels as a genre fan, and a horror film historian. But more than anything, it totally works for today too. I don’t know how he did it, or how he’s gonna top it (and look…I liked The Roost and Trigger Man) but baby…I’ll be first in line now for everything Ti West puts his name on after this.
How much did I love Zombieland? I loved it so much that I saw it twice and very nearly went a 3rd time. Do you know how often I do that? Fucking never, that’s how often I do that. I don’t have time. And I sure don’t have the time in October. If Columbia had opened this flick in February, I’d have moved into the local AMC and just marathoned it all day, everyday, for a week. It’s like an anti-end-of-the-world-film. Zombieland looks so awesome, I actually want to live there! Of course in my Zombieland, Amber Heard and I would get to make-out before she joins the ranks of the undead.
Vexing. That’s how I feel about this film. That’s how I feel about placing it at number 2 on my list. It could be number 1, and in any other year it would be. It’s a totally different beast–a black bird, a stillborn deer, a creepy fox who coos “chaos reigns”. I make no bones about it, I think Lars von Trier is a genius. He’s working a level that almost no one will ever attain. Equal parts pure artist, sick freak, and social commentator. Don’t like what he has to say or show you? Don’t watch it. And, don’t look into the mirror, you might not like what you see there either. If you don’t think cinema can shake your synapses into a firing frenzy, see this film. If you don’t think cinema can mesmerize with its twisted beauty, see this film. And, especially if you think you’ve seen it all….see this film.
In the last decade, I’m hard pressed to recall a film that had more advance hype than this one. Even more amazing, is that Director Mike Dougherty’s film not only lives up to the hype, it might just exceed it. The biggest tragedy of loving horror films as much as I do, is that it sets you up for disappointment at virtually every turn. Trick r Treat doesn’t do that. It doesn’t disappoint. It’s a masterpiece of modern horror, and the best Halloween horror film since John Carpenter spray painted a Captain Kirk mask white and pounded out a few freaky notes in 5/4 time. I could write pages about my unabashed love of this film, it’s already iconic central character and the brilliance of intercutting the Creepshow-esque storylines into a Pulp Fiction-styled narrative. But, I won’t. I’ll just leave you with everyone’s favorite new catchphrase: “Charlie Brown’s an asshole!!!”
Like I said it was a good year for Studio Horror so, I’ll throw some love to The Orphan, The Uninvited and even Last House on the Left (if you turn it off 5 minutes early). I dug Jennifer’s Body too…so there! On the indie scene Splinter, The Burrowers, Vinyan and Grace finally got off the festival circuit and into my DVD player! If you’ve got kids or you’re just a big kid, Monsters vs Aliens and Coraline made for a super badass 3-D double feature picture show. Sci-fi drama isn’t exactly horror but hey…we covered Moon and District 9 anyway…and be damn glad we did, cause they were both freaking great! Next up, a bunch of good genre docs came out. Especially the trash opus, It Came From Kuchar and the Ozsploitation masterpiece Not Quite Hollywood. And don’t forget about Anchor Bay’s His Name Was Jason, for your unfiltered history of the most unlucky day of the year and Best Worst Movie, the making of, and legacy of, Troll 2! And last, but not least: Birdemic, a film that (when it gets released) you’ll have to see to believe!
2009 Honoraries
Best Worst Film You’ll See in 2010: Birdemic
Best Films I Haven’t Seen Award: Dead Snow, Thirst
Honorary Kevin Smith “Ass to Mouth” Award: Human Centipede
Fuck Up of the Year Award: Magnolia changes the subtitles on Let the Right One In
Dumbest Marketing Award: If you’re remaking a film (Terror Train) to cash in on the name recognition…don’t change the name (now called Train)
No One Believed It Was Real Award: The Fourth Kind
Why Are They Still Doing This Award: After Dark Horrorfest III
Cinematic Armageddon Day: August 28 (The Final Destination and H2 prove that 2 incredibly shitty horror movies opening on the same day can still make big bucks!)
Better than the Theatrical Poster Award: Fantastic Fest Ltd. Ed. Screenprint for Antichrist
Twice a month Joe Lipsett will dissect a new Amityville Horror film to explore how the “franchise” has evolved in increasingly ludicrous directions. This is “The Amityville IP.”
A bizarre recurring issue with the Amityville “franchise” is that the films tend to be needlessly complicated. Back in the day, the first sequels moved away from the original film’s religious-themed haunted house storyline in favor of streamlined, easily digestible concepts such as “haunted lamp” or “haunted mirror.”
As the budgets plummeted and indie filmmakers capitalized on the brand’s notoriety, it seems the wrong lessons were learned. Runtimes have ballooned past the 90-minute mark and the narratives are often saggy and unfocused.
Both issues are clearly on display in Amityville Karen (2022), a film that starts off rough, but promising, and ends with a confused whimper.
The promise is embodied by the tinge of self-awareness in Julie Anne Prescott (The Amityville Harvest)’s screenplay, namely the nods to John Waters’ classic 1994 satire, Serial Mom. In that film, Beverly Sutphin (an iconic Kathleen Turner) is a bored, white suburban woman who punished individuals who didn’t adhere to her rigid definition of social norms. What is “Karen” but a contemporary equivalent?
In director/actor Shawn C. Phillips’ film, Karen (Lauren Francesca) is perpetually outraged. In her introductory scenes, she makes derogatory comments about immigrants, calls a female neighbor a whore, and nearly runs over a family blocking her driveway. She’s a broad, albeit familiar persona; in many ways, she’s less of a character than a caricature (the living embodiment of the name/meme).
These early scenes also establish a fairly straightforward plot. Karen is a code enforcement officer with plans to shut down a local winery she has deemed disgusting. They’re preparing for a big wine tasting event, which Karen plans to ruin, but when she steals a bottle of cursed Amityville wine, it activates her murderous rage and goes on a killing spree.
Simple enough, right?
Unfortunately, Amityville Karen spins out of control almost immediately. At nearly every opportunity, Prescott’s screenplay eschews narrative cohesion and simplicity in favour of overly complicated developments and extraneous characters.
Take, for example, the wine tasting event. The film spends an entire day at the winery: first during the day as a band plays, then at a beer tasting (???) that night. Neither of these events are the much touted wine-tasting, however; that is actually a private party happening later at server Troy (James Duval)’s house.
Weirdly though, following Troy’s death, the party’s location is inexplicably moved to Karen’s house for the climax of the film, but the whole event plays like an afterthought and features a litany of characters we have never met before.
This is a recurring issue throughout Amityville Karen, which frequently introduces random characters for a scene or two. Karen is typically absent from these scenes, which makes them feel superfluous and unimportant. When the actress is on screen, the film has an anchor and a narrative drive. The scenes without her, on the other hand, feel bloated and directionless (blame editor Will Collazo Jr., who allows these moments to play out interminably).
Compounding the issue is that the majority of the actors are non-professionals and these scenes play like poorly performed improv. The result is long, dull stretches that features bad actors talking over each other, repeating the same dialogue, and generally doing nothing to advance the narrative or develop the characters.
While Karen is one-note and histrionic throughout the film, at least there’s a game willingness to Francesca’s performance. It feels appropriately campy, though as the film progresses, it becomes less and less clear if Amityville Karen is actually in on the joke.
Like Amityville Cop before it, there are legit moments of self-awareness (the Serial Mom references), but it’s never certain how much of this is intentional. Take, for example, Karen’s glaringly obvious wig: it unconvincingly fails to conceal Francesca’s dark hair in the back, but is that on purpose or is it a technical error?
Ultimately there’s very little to recommend about Amityville Karen. Despite the game performance by its lead and the gentle homages to Serial Mom’s prank call and white shoes after Labor Day jokes, the never-ending improv scenes by non-professional actors, the bloated screenplay, and the jittery direction by Phillips doom the production.
Clocking in at an insufferable 100 minutes, Amityville Karen ranks among the worst of the “franchise,” coming in just above Phillips’ other entry, Amityville Hex.
The Amityville IP Awards go to…
- Favorite Subplot: In the afternoon event, there’s a self-proclaimed “hot boy summer” band consisting of burly, bare-chested men who play instruments that don’t make sound (for real, there’s no audio of their music). There’s also a scheming manager who is skimming money off the top, but that’s not as funny.
- Least Favorite Subplot: For reasons that don’t make any sense, the winery is also hosting a beer tasting which means there are multiple scenes of bartender Alex (Phillips) hoping to bring in women, mistakenly conflating a pint of beer with a “flight,” and goading never before seen characters to chug. One of them describes the beer as such: “It looks like a vampire menstruating in a cup” (it’s a gold-colored IPA for the record, so…no).
- Amityville Connection: The rationale for Karen’s killing spree is attributed to Amityville wine, whose crop was planted on cursed land. This is explained by vino groupie Annie (Jennifer Nangle) to band groupie Bianca (Lilith Stabs). It’s a lot of nonsense, but it is kind of fun when Annie claims to “taste the damnation in every sip.”
- Neverending Story: The film ends with an exhaustive FIVE MINUTE montage of Phillips’ friends posing as reporters in front of terrible green screen discussing the “killer Karen” story. My kingdom for Amityville’s regular reporter Peter Sommers (John R. Walker) to return!
- Best Line 1: Winery owner Dallas (Derek K. Long), describing Karen: “She’s like a walking constipation with a hemorrhoid”
- Best Line 2: Karen, when a half-naked, bleeding woman emerges from her closet: “Is this a dream? This dream is offensive! Stop being naked!”
- Best Line 3: Troy, upset that Karen may cancel the wine tasting at his house: “I sanded that deck for days. You don’t just sand a deck for days and then let someone shit on it!”
- Worst Death: Karen kills a Pool Boy (Dustin Clingan) after pushing his head under water for literally 1 second, then screeches “This is for putting leaves on my plants!”
- Least Clear Death(s): The bodies of a phone salesman and a barista are seen in Karen’s closet and bathroom, though how she killed them are completely unclear
- Best Death: Troy is stabbed in the back of the neck with a bottle opener, which Karen proceeds to crank
- Wannabe Lynch: After drinking the wine, Karen is confronted in her home by Barnaby (Carl Solomon) who makes her sign a crude, hand drawn blood contract and informs her that her belly is “pregnant from the juices of his grapes.” Phillips films Barnaby like a cross between the unhoused man in Mulholland Drive and the Mystery Man in Lost Highway. It’s interesting, even if the character makes absolutely no sense.
- Single Image Summary: At one point, a random man emerges from the shower in a towel and excitedly poops himself. This sequence perfectly encapsulates the experience of watching Amityville Karen.
- Pray for Joe: Many of these folks will be back in Amityville Shark House and Amityville Webcam, so we’re not out of the woods yet…
Next time: let’s hope Christmas comes early with 2022’s Amityville Christmas Vacation. It was the winner of Fangoria’s Best Amityville award, after all!
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