Marketing executives are kind of like greeting card writers – it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to be a good one, but there is a kind of art to communicating a desired mood or idea in a limited amount of space. Just look at the impact a good movie tagline can have: “In space, no one can hear you scream” (Alien, as if you didn’t already know) has inspired almost as many tagline copycats as the actual movie did cinematic ones. On the flip side, a bad tagline has the capacity to either make a negative impression on moviegoers or – even worse – to make no impression at all. Surprisingly, some truly great films have been saddled with some less-than-stellar taglines over the years, which ironically stands as a testament to how good said films really are. More common, though, are the cases in which the films and their respective taglines are of a piece, quality-wise – both deserving of their places in the cultural gutter. Be it awkward grammar (don’t the people who write these things double-check their work?), misused words (I’m pretty sure dictionaries have been around for awhile now), or just plain awfulness, following is my list of the ten worst taglines in horror film history. And please, if I missed one of your favorites, instead of calling me a douchebag or wishing me a slow and agonizing death, simply leave it in the comments section for everyone else to enjoy. And then wish me a slow and agonizing death.
Tagline: “A new — and altogether different — screen excitement!!!”
It’s not only “different”, it’s “altogether different”. Which makes it even more different than normal. It also has three exclamation points, which means I should be excited.
Tagline: “The most exciting original motion picture event of all time.”
If this is the most exciting original motion picture event of all time, I’m taking a leap off the nearest skyscraper. Screw it, A*P*E is playing next door. Let’s just see that one. (see: #2)
Tagline: “TODAY – the Pond! TOMORROW – the World!”
According to a recent study, the word “pond” is second only to “lavender” in its ability to block the effects of fear on the human psyche.
Tagline: “Every Year Young People Disappear”
Tagline: “She gives you that weird feeling!”
Um…ok. “Weird”, like when a creepy three-year-old kid is staring at you in the checkout line at the grocery store? “Weird”, like when you’ve eaten too many pot brownies? I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me exactly, but whatever it is, I’m pretty sure it’s lame.
Tagline: “Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him.”
“Sir, Chuck Norris is on the phone again. I tried to get rid of him, but he keeps saying he has a good idea for the poster. Also something about deadly pressure points, the usefulness of his beard as a cutting tool, and his ability to explode the human heart with a single glance. Maybe we should just do what he says.”
Tagline: “The only people who will not be STERILIZED with FEAR are those among you who are already DEAD!”
I never really wanted children anyway.
Tagline: Mightiest monster in all creation! Ravishing a universe for love!
Ok, either the marketing team didn’t know the difference between a verb and an adjective, or Mothra is…raping the universe?
Tagline: “Not to be confused with KING KONG.”
Thanks for clearing that up – it reminds me of the time I rented Transmorphers from the video store on accident. Also, I’m an idiot.
Tagline: “GOD HATES YOU!”
You are nothing but an inconsequential larva squirming beneath the filthy boot-heel of the hateful universe! Now go see our movie, you worthless, disgusting piece of insect-riddled goat excrement! And then kill yourself! Note: I actually can’t decide if this is the worst or the most bitchin’ tagline ever. I’m leaning towards both.