[Original] An Analysis Of Justin Bieber’s ‘Boyfriend’ Lyrics

justinbeiberboyfriend
Yes…gaze lovingly at yourself
Alright Beliebers, next week sees the release of Justin Bieber‘s new single, Boyfriend. I’m guessing that many of you simply cannot WAIT to hear it! Unfortunately, we don’t have the actual song for you. However, we do have the lyrics! But there are a few things that puzzle me a bit about them. So, I figured I’d look at them a bit closely and see what I could pull out. Care to join me?

[Verse 1]
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go
I can take you places you ain’t never been before
Baby take a chance or you’ll never ever know
I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow
Swag swag swag, on you
Chillin by the fire why we eatin’ fondue
I dunno about me but I know about you
So say hello to falsetto in three two
Okay, let’s break this down a bit: 
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go
So, already we know that you’re not dating the woman that this song is aimed at. Considering that you’re dating Selena Gomez, I’m guessing things are pretty rough in that relationship. Also, if she ever hears this, you’re DEFINITELY in the dog house!
Also, we see that you apparently have issues controlling the muscles in your hands because once you grip something, you don’t plan on letting go. After all, never is quite a long time.
I can take you places you ain’t never been before
You have the means for transportation across vast distances. You also lacks basic grammar skills.
Baby take a chance or you’ll never ever know
Now you’re laying it down on this nameless woman. She has to make the choice or she will forever regret and question her decision.
I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow
You’re saying that you’re a wealthy person but apparently have no control over your spending impulses. You would like to use it frivolously without deep thought. Careful ladies, this isn’t the type of man that is thinking about the future!
Swag swag swag, on you
I’m guessing this is some new version of referring to ejaculation? If that’s the case, shame on you Mr. Bieber! You are trying to land a first date here! Treat this lady with respect!
Chillin by the fire why we eatin’ fondue
Well, suddenly we’ve gone from ejaculation to old-school style romance. “Chillin” by the fire is indeed a lovely way to spend some quality time together. But wait, what’s this? You are curious as to why you are eating fondue? Uhhh, because you brought it? If you didn’t want fondue, you should’ve brought something else.
So say hello to falsetto in three two
So, this woman is supposed to greet your singing style? And, on top of that, she’s supposed to do it when you want? Man, you’re a tad controlling, don’t you think?
So far Justin, you’re not leading me to believe that you are sincere about this woman. But let’s see what else you have up your sleeves, shall we?
[Pre-Chorus]
I’d like to be everything you want
Hey girl, let me talk to you
I’d like to be everything you want
Oh, so you’re open to change! Well that’s good. Except, don’t you want to be somewhat your own? Does your life revolve so much around getting this woman to be a part of your life? That screams “desperate”. Ease it back a bit.
Hey girl, let me talk to you
“Talk “to” you” is a bit intense, don’t you think? If you want to woo this woman, wouldn’t you rather talk “with” her? I’m getting a little creeped out by you Justin.
[Chorus]
If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl, you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, I’d never let you go
Okay, I can tackle this as one whole thing. This is seriously desperate and creepy. It shows that you are incredibly possessive and have to have this woman with you at all times. Also, the fact that you say you can be a gentleman while referring to her as “girl” shows that you think you can rise to a superior state over her. That’s not the kind of thinking that attracts most women.
[Verse 2]
Tell me what you like yeah tell me what you don’t
I could be your Buzz Lightyear fly across the globe
I don’t never wanna fight yeah, you already know
I am ‘ma a make you shine bright like you’re laying in the snow
Burr
Girlfriend, girlfriend, you could be my girlfriend
You could be my girlfriend until the —- world ends
Make you dance do a spin and a twirl and
Voice goin crazy on this hook like a whirl wind
Swaggie
Tell me what you like yeah tell me what you don’t
Okay, this is good! You want to get to know this woman and what her interests are. Good job! I wholeheartedly approve.
I could be your Buzz Lightyear fly across the globe
You’re referring to yourself as a toy from a children’s movie? Well, that’s just silly! Also, Buzz Lightyear could never fly, so your statement is false. Liar liar, pants on fire!
I don’t never wanna fight yeah, you already know
Wait, isn’t this song your plea to get this woman to date you? How could she already know this? Again, possibly too much information for a first date proposal.
I am ‘ma a make you shine bright like you’re laying in the snow
…..What the hell does this even mean?
Burr
You should’ve brought a coat.
Girlfriend, girlfriend, you could be my girlfriend
Is she supposed to think of this as some amazing accomplishment? “Oh MAN! I could be this guy’s girlfriend! HOLY SHITBALLS!”
Side note: For some reason, this reminds me of, “Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday.
You could be my girlfriend until the —- world ends
Again with the possessiveness! Also, I doubt that you and this woman are going to live that long. You are just presenting one lie after another!
Make you dance do a spin and a twirl and
Again with controlling this woman! Let her dance how she wants to! Jeez…
Voice goin crazy on this hook like a whirl wind
I’d really like to know how that 1) relates to this woman and 2) how you plan on making your voice emulate a whirl wind.
Swaggie
Did…did you just ejaculate again? But you called it a “swaggie”. Was it premature? It’s okay buddy, it happens. Next time will be better.
[Pre-Chorus]
I’d like to be everything you want
Hey girl, let me talk to you
[Chorus]
If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, I’d never let you go
We’ve already gone over this. Still not happy about it.
[Bridge]
So give me a chance, ‘cause you’re all I need girl
Spend a week wit your boy I’ll be calling you my girlfriend
If I was your man, I’d never leave you girl
I just want to love you, and treat you right
So give me a chance, ‘cause you’re all I need girl
You’re still referring to this woman as a girl. And are you really saying that all you need is her? What about food, air, shelter, etc…? Sounds like this crush has a greater hold on you than it should. I recommend therapy.
Spend a week wit your boy I’ll be calling you my girlfriend
Wait, so now she has to spend a week with you before you make it official? First of all, YOU are the one who is pushing so hard for this! Second of all, don’t you think a little bit more time is necessary? I mean, you really should get to know this woman a bit before committing to something so hastily.
If I was your man, I’d never leave you girl
Again with the man-girl dynamic. You’re giving me a slight “pedophile creep” vibe here. Is this woman under the legal dating age? Should I call Chris Hansen?
I just want to love you, and treat you right
Well, at least this has a nice feel to it. After all, don’t we all want to be loved and treated right?
[Chorus]
If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, never let you go
Dammit Justin! You ended that bridge with such a nice sentiment and now you’re back to being a superior controlling dick! Poor move there.
Na na na, na na na, na na na
Ya girl
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
Dear god, I think Justin just had a seizure! 
If I was your boyfriend
Oh no, wait. He’s back. And still obsessed with this overwhelming need to be a boyfriend. 
Okay, what I’m getting from Justin Bieber and these lyrics is that he is a narcissistic, controlling, superior man that only feels worthwhile if there is a woman apparently cuffed to his arm. Consensus? Stay away from this one ladies.
Got any thoughts/questions/concerns for Jonny B.? Shoot him a message on Twitter!
  • Adam Dodd

    I like to talk about Toy Story before I have sex. It’s the only way I can get a Woody.