I’ve been trying to follow the upcoming election pretty closely but it’s not easy. The media is too busy turning everything the Republican candidates do into a circus while at the same time angling on how weak President Obama is. So what is a person to do?
Turns out Lamb Of God
vocalist Randy Blythe thought the same thing and decided to take matters into his own hand. “How?” you ask? By running for President Of The United States Of America, that’s how. In a long, profanity-laden blog post on Tumblr
, Blythe begins outlining his platform for how he will handle being the Commander-In-Chief, including being shot on the first day of his term
. No joke.
Below are some excerpts along with a link to the post.
“My first act as President of the United States will to be shot. That’s right, SHOT. With a high-powered assault rifle. Immediately after taking the oath of office, I will be escorted about twenty yards away and be shot publicly in a non-lethal area of my body by a highly trained Navy SEAL sniper. It will hurt like fuck. Why would I do this? Because I will now be commander-in-chief of the armed forces. This means that during my term I will probably have to make some tough decisions affecting the survival of other men. And as commander-in-chief, I shouldn’t expect anyone in our military to do anything I’m not willing to do myself. That includes getting shot. Me being shot will be broadcast live world-wide via satellite, with no bleeping out of the incredible string of curse words I will undoubtably let fly with. I will be required to walk/limp/crawl on my own power a minimum of 50 yards through the mud to an ambulance that will take me away to patch me up. If I can’t make it on my own, I’m not tough enough to be your President. After all the nations in the entire world witness America’s new President, an insane looking heavily tattooed freak, getting shot ON HIS OWN ORDER as soon as he takes office, then crawling all bloody to an ambulance, cussing the whole way and screaming pure hate in a monstrous voice tortured by years of touring and Marlboro Reds, they will think twice before fucking with us. I can promise you that.”
“In fact, anytime I decide America is going to war with another country, I will be REQUIRED to kill the first of the enemy, on their home turf, face to face in a brutal manner and with a primitive weapon. If I am willing to do that, there’s a pretty good chance I’m not shipping our guys and gals over there just because they have some oil I want or wear funny hats. They need to die in order to keep America safe. I should certainly not mind doing my part to make that happen.”
“If I do decide to get us into a war, I’ll untie the hands of our military when I send them off to fight. I’ll remove these ridiculous rules of engagement that say we can’t shoot until we are being shot at. It’s INSANE what our troops are expected to do- sit there like sitting ducks until someone puts a bullet in someone’s head. Only then are they allowed to start busting caps. This bullshit is getting Americans killed everyday. Under the Blythe administration, if we see you, you have a gun, and you come too close to us, you get shot the fuck up. BLAM! We’ll fight by ghetto law- in the hood, do you think a Blood is gonna wait until a gun waving Crip starts shooting at him to put a round in the motherfucker? HELL NO. He wants to live to sell another 50 rock, so he lets him have it! If I get us into a fight, it will be because we HAVE to fight, and once we’ve been FORCED to fight I’ll let our guys and gals do their jobs- KICK SOME FUCKING ASS IN A GODDAMNED HURRY so they can get safely back home, where they belong, drinking beer and getting laid.”
Check out the full blog post here