Editorials
Special Feature: EPIC FAIL! Major Horror Failures of 2010!
The term “epic fail” gets thrown around a lot here on B-D (many in response to my articles!), and I think we can all agree it’s a little over-utilized. That being said, every year there are some things that happen that really, truly live up to the description, and 2010 was no exception. Though we still have a couple of months left to be disappointed by the powers-that-be, I figured it was late enough in the year to take a look back over some of the most egregious disasters in horror 2010 that have left me shaking my head, rolling my eyes and slapping my forehead in disbelief – the “epic fails”.
There are fails, and then there are “epic fails”. The definition of the admittedly over-utilized term varies slightly depending on who you talk to, but it generally connotes something that falls short on essentially every recognized measure of success. It’s a term that’s thrown around a lot here on Bloody-Disgusting, sometimes unfairly, but there are those instances where it truly and readily applies. You don’t need to look far – this year alone has seen several legitimate epic fails rock the world of horror with utter crap-tasticness, and below I’ve listed some of the most notable. After all – when things suck this hard, they deserve to be called out.
Audiences turning out to see Friedberg/Seltzer spoof “Vampires Suck”
Ok, this is starting to piss me off. Masters of suckery Friedberg and Seltzer release another lazy film, this one spoofing Twilight, and people actually go and see it, to the tune of a $36 million domestic gross. This is AFTER Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie…need I go on? Now, whose cock exactly do I have to suck to make a fortune off of making complete horseshit like these dudes? You may be thinking to yourself, “Well, $36 million doesn’t actually sound like a lot, Chris”, to which I would say you’d first have to consider another $40 million in international box-office, DVD/Blu-ray sales and rentals, and the fact that the movie only cost a reported $20 million. In other words, you can be damn sure this isn’t the last we’ll be hearing from those no-talent fucks. Thanks a lot, America. EPIC FAIL
How much did Fox pay these motherfuckers?:
Ali Larter’s acting in Resident Evil: Afterlife
How does an actress actually get less talented the more movies she makes? I have no idea; ask Ali Larter. While I’ve seen her do a serviceable job in a couple of films (Final Destination and House on Haunted Hill immediately spring to mind), she was absolutely horrendous in this year’s Resident Evil sequel. Like, senior year drama class bad (“Let me get this off you…”). She’s gorgeous, sure, but she can’t look good forever, and with younger and more talented actresses knocking down Hollywood’s door it’s practically a miracle she’s still getting work in studio films at all. At this rate I predict she’ll he hocking jewelry on QVC within the next five years. EPIC FAIL
Almost everything in Legion
How bad can big-studio movies get? Look no further than this year’s Legion, released in the wasteland of January for good reason. This was the first horror film I screened for B-D in 2010 and it started my year off with a whimper. If you didn’t see it, congratulations; as for me, I’ll never get that 90 minutes of my life back. While it kinda sounded good on paper and had a pretty good trailer, actual movie was god-awful, with one of the worst, most nonsensical, laughably bad scripts in recent memory. Um…if God really wanted to punish us, wouldn’t he just flood the earth or send an asteroid hurtling into us instead of sending a spindly ice cream man to murder us one by one? EPIC FAIL
Audiences failing to turn out for Let Me In
I know a lot of you hate remakes, but that’s mostly because we’re used to them being so bad. Which makes it inexcusable that so many should turn out for crap like A Nightmare on Elm Street and almost completely ignore a quality piece of filmmaking like Let Me In. We vote with our wallets, remember? Sadly no one voted for Let Me In, despite its “critical darling” status (our own Mr. Disgusting called it better than the original) – a rare feat for a horror film. As a result it grossed a meager $5.1 million its first weekend, on its way to a paltry $11.9 million total. People can bitch all they want about the despicable state of the movie industry, but as long as audiences fail to support quality cinema we’ll just continue to be fed more middle-of-the-road bullshit. EPIC FAIL
Trailer:
3-D post-conversion
By this point most of us seem to be in agreement that post-converted 3-D just isn’t the same – even a fun movie like Pirahna, which was actually designed for 3-D, suffered from a somewhat underwhelming transition. Sure, Clash of the Titans could’ve been cool if initially conceptualized and shot as a 3-D movie (let’s just forget that it was far too CG-heavy for its own good and suffered from a terrible script), but it wasn’t, and trying to piggyback on a trend just to squeeze a few more dollars out of the movie-going public is shameful. No matter what line the studios try to feed us, the fact remains that post-converting a standard horror film like My Soul to Take into the 3-D format makes absolutely no creative sense. Luckily, audiences seem to finally be catching on – My Soul made a forehead-slapping $14 million domestic since its release (let’s hope that trend continues). The message? Stop trying to rape our pocketbooks, Hollywood – the stench of greed has reached overpowering proportions. EPIC FAIL
Producers on “Giallo” don’t pay Adrien Brody what he’s owed
As much as I love Dario Argento as a filmmaker, this is pretty ridiculous. Did he and his producers actually think they’d be able to get away with cheating a major actor like Adrien Brody out of what he was rightfully owed? If so, they were seriously short-sighted, and there’s no getting around that what they did – keeping Broday from walking off the movie by lying about securing extra funding to pay his salary – is pretty disgusting. Now the thesp is rightfully suing them, and Argento and his cronies have egg on their faces. Even worse, fans now may never get a chance to see the film – Brody is requesting a permanent injunction against its release, all thanks to their tomfoolery.
Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner presenting the horror tribute at the Oscars
So horror fans finally get some recognition for their favorite genre at Hollywood’s snobbiest awards ceremony, and who do they pick to introduce it? Two of the dopey kids from Twilight, who wouldn’t know horror if it bit them straight in the ass. In yet another sign of how tone-deaf the Academy is when it comes to the genre, they failed to realize that Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner introducing the tribute to a genre that has produced some of the greatest film artists in the history of cinema was an insult not only to fans, but to the creatives who have been working in the genre for decades. Couldn’t they have asked a couple of true-blue horror veterans instead? Do they have any respect for the genre at all? The sad answer to that question was pretty apparent on Oscar night. EPIC FAIL
Clip:
The unrated horror “revolution”
In all honesty I like the idea of sticking it to the unaccountable shadow organization also known as the MPAA, but the fact that both horror films released unrated within a week of each other – Adam Green’s Hatchet II and Jason R. Monroe’s I Spit on Your Grave remake – were seen by a total of about three people combined made the idea that they could somehow change the way in which horror films were distributed completely laughable. Yeah, anarchy! Except…oh, uh, nevermind. As much as I like Green, his film was unfortunately lacking a key ingredient that would’ve allowed it to catch on with its target audience – quality. (I Spit on Your Grave was scarcely better) See, for change to occur the people leading the charge need the proper fuel to stoke the flames of dissent; alas, this fire died out scarcely before it had the opportunity to burn. EPIC FAIL
Jonah Hex
I have a confession to make: I haven’t actually seen Jonah Hex, which is sure to go down as one of the year’s most notorious flops. Neither have most of you, I’d gather, based on the film’s dismal box-office numbers. But the marketplace isn’t the only place it failed – it also received a meager 13% score on Rotten Tomatoes, apparently wasted a perfectly solid cast – Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, Will Arnett, Megan, uh…ok maybe not her – and royally pissed off fans of the comics (yeah, I didn’t know they existed until the film was announced either). What went wrong, you ask? Everything. EPIC FAIL
Lionsgate’s handling of the Buried release
I’m not quite sure I understand what happened here. After coming off enormous buzz following its Sundance debut earlier this year, both for Rodrigo Cortes’ ability to wring maximum tension out of a film taking place entirely inside a coffin and a harrowing portrayal by lead actor Ryan Reynolds, Lionsgate picked up the film for an amount estimated between $3 and $4 million. It’s the kind of money that indicates a studio has quite a bit of faith in a film, and yet Lionsgate fumbled by not, you know, marketing the thing. And that’s unfortunate; with a buzz-worthy premise, a “name” lead actor and good critical notices, it should have done – and deserved to do – better. EPIC FAIL
Trailer:
The A Nightmare on Elm Street remake
What did any of us expect, really? While I actually kind of enjoyed 2003’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the quality of the Platinum Dunes “reimaginings” since then has been pretty dismal. Nevertheless, I hoped against hope that A Nightmare on Elm Street would turn out differently, and once again those hopes were stomped the fuck out. I wouldn’t actually say it was as bad as Friday the 13th, which was awful in more of a go-for-broke kind of way; no, A Nightmare on Elm Street‘s greatest offense was that it was incredibly fucking dull. For starters: the dream sequences were uninspired; much of the acting was subpar; and Jackie Earle Haley never had a chance to make an impression underneath all that cat-like makeup. At the end of the day, it’s simply inexcusable that the reboot of a franchise with such an intriguing premise and boundless visual possibilities should be so forgettable. EPIC FAIL
My Soul to Take Premiere “Stabbing”
I’ve seen some pretty fucking retarded publicity stunts, but this one really takes the cake. What to do when your film is tracking poorly and you’re desperate to drum up some extra business? Why, you hire a really bad actor and then have him pretend to get stabbed to death on the red carpet, duh! See, the American public is made up of a bunch of morons, who can’t tell the difference between what’s real and what’s complete fabrication (remember the way they ate up that “the Blair Witch is real” nonsense? Stupid!) We, as savvy publicists with genius-level IQs, should have no problem getting butts in seats to watch our shit movie once this baby goes viral. Sure, people will catch on that it wasn’t a real stabbing soon enough (their brains are tiny, mind you, so it may take a couple of days), but by that point they’ll be so enamored of the awesome power of our intellect that they’ll happily pay $15 to watch our horrible movie! Wes may not like it, you say? Don’t worry, we have him in the palm of our hands. Remember how easily he was duped into the 3-D post-conversion?
Twice a month Joe Lipsett will dissect a new Amityville Horror film to explore how the “franchise” has evolved in increasingly ludicrous directions. This is “The Amityville IP.”
A bizarre recurring issue with the Amityville “franchise” is that the films tend to be needlessly complicated. Back in the day, the first sequels moved away from the original film’s religious-themed haunted house storyline in favor of streamlined, easily digestible concepts such as “haunted lamp” or “haunted mirror.”
As the budgets plummeted and indie filmmakers capitalized on the brand’s notoriety, it seems the wrong lessons were learned. Runtimes have ballooned past the 90-minute mark and the narratives are often saggy and unfocused.
Both issues are clearly on display in Amityville Karen (2022), a film that starts off rough, but promising, and ends with a confused whimper.
The promise is embodied by the tinge of self-awareness in Julie Anne Prescott (The Amityville Harvest)’s screenplay, namely the nods to John Waters’ classic 1994 satire, Serial Mom. In that film, Beverly Sutphin (an iconic Kathleen Turner) is a bored, white suburban woman who punished individuals who didn’t adhere to her rigid definition of social norms. What is “Karen” but a contemporary equivalent?
In director/actor Shawn C. Phillips’ film, Karen (Lauren Francesca) is perpetually outraged. In her introductory scenes, she makes derogatory comments about immigrants, calls a female neighbor a whore, and nearly runs over a family blocking her driveway. She’s a broad, albeit familiar persona; in many ways, she’s less of a character than a caricature (the living embodiment of the name/meme).
These early scenes also establish a fairly straightforward plot. Karen is a code enforcement officer with plans to shut down a local winery she has deemed disgusting. They’re preparing for a big wine tasting event, which Karen plans to ruin, but when she steals a bottle of cursed Amityville wine, it activates her murderous rage and goes on a killing spree.
Simple enough, right?
Unfortunately, Amityville Karen spins out of control almost immediately. At nearly every opportunity, Prescott’s screenplay eschews narrative cohesion and simplicity in favour of overly complicated developments and extraneous characters.
Take, for example, the wine tasting event. The film spends an entire day at the winery: first during the day as a band plays, then at a beer tasting (???) that night. Neither of these events are the much touted wine-tasting, however; that is actually a private party happening later at server Troy (James Duval)’s house.
Weirdly though, following Troy’s death, the party’s location is inexplicably moved to Karen’s house for the climax of the film, but the whole event plays like an afterthought and features a litany of characters we have never met before.
This is a recurring issue throughout Amityville Karen, which frequently introduces random characters for a scene or two. Karen is typically absent from these scenes, which makes them feel superfluous and unimportant. When the actress is on screen, the film has an anchor and a narrative drive. The scenes without her, on the other hand, feel bloated and directionless (blame editor Will Collazo Jr., who allows these moments to play out interminably).
Compounding the issue is that the majority of the actors are non-professionals and these scenes play like poorly performed improv. The result is long, dull stretches that features bad actors talking over each other, repeating the same dialogue, and generally doing nothing to advance the narrative or develop the characters.
While Karen is one-note and histrionic throughout the film, at least there’s a game willingness to Francesca’s performance. It feels appropriately campy, though as the film progresses, it becomes less and less clear if Amityville Karen is actually in on the joke.
Like Amityville Cop before it, there are legit moments of self-awareness (the Serial Mom references), but it’s never certain how much of this is intentional. Take, for example, Karen’s glaringly obvious wig: it unconvincingly fails to conceal Francesca’s dark hair in the back, but is that on purpose or is it a technical error?
Ultimately there’s very little to recommend about Amityville Karen. Despite the game performance by its lead and the gentle homages to Serial Mom’s prank call and white shoes after Labor Day jokes, the never-ending improv scenes by non-professional actors, the bloated screenplay, and the jittery direction by Phillips doom the production.
Clocking in at an insufferable 100 minutes, Amityville Karen ranks among the worst of the “franchise,” coming in just above Phillips’ other entry, Amityville Hex.
The Amityville IP Awards go to…
- Favorite Subplot: In the afternoon event, there’s a self-proclaimed “hot boy summer” band consisting of burly, bare-chested men who play instruments that don’t make sound (for real, there’s no audio of their music). There’s also a scheming manager who is skimming money off the top, but that’s not as funny.
- Least Favorite Subplot: For reasons that don’t make any sense, the winery is also hosting a beer tasting which means there are multiple scenes of bartender Alex (Phillips) hoping to bring in women, mistakenly conflating a pint of beer with a “flight,” and goading never before seen characters to chug. One of them describes the beer as such: “It looks like a vampire menstruating in a cup” (it’s a gold-colored IPA for the record, so…no).
- Amityville Connection: The rationale for Karen’s killing spree is attributed to Amityville wine, whose crop was planted on cursed land. This is explained by vino groupie Annie (Jennifer Nangle) to band groupie Bianca (Lilith Stabs). It’s a lot of nonsense, but it is kind of fun when Annie claims to “taste the damnation in every sip.”
- Neverending Story: The film ends with an exhaustive FIVE MINUTE montage of Phillips’ friends posing as reporters in front of terrible green screen discussing the “killer Karen” story. My kingdom for Amityville’s regular reporter Peter Sommers (John R. Walker) to return!
- Best Line 1: Winery owner Dallas (Derek K. Long), describing Karen: “She’s like a walking constipation with a hemorrhoid”
- Best Line 2: Karen, when a half-naked, bleeding woman emerges from her closet: “Is this a dream? This dream is offensive! Stop being naked!”
- Best Line 3: Troy, upset that Karen may cancel the wine tasting at his house: “I sanded that deck for days. You don’t just sand a deck for days and then let someone shit on it!”
- Worst Death: Karen kills a Pool Boy (Dustin Clingan) after pushing his head under water for literally 1 second, then screeches “This is for putting leaves on my plants!”
- Least Clear Death(s): The bodies of a phone salesman and a barista are seen in Karen’s closet and bathroom, though how she killed them are completely unclear
- Best Death: Troy is stabbed in the back of the neck with a bottle opener, which Karen proceeds to crank
- Wannabe Lynch: After drinking the wine, Karen is confronted in her home by Barnaby (Carl Solomon) who makes her sign a crude, hand drawn blood contract and informs her that her belly is “pregnant from the juices of his grapes.” Phillips films Barnaby like a cross between the unhoused man in Mulholland Drive and the Mystery Man in Lost Highway. It’s interesting, even if the character makes absolutely no sense.
- Single Image Summary: At one point, a random man emerges from the shower in a towel and excitedly poops himself. This sequence perfectly encapsulates the experience of watching Amityville Karen.
- Pray for Joe: Many of these folks will be back in Amityville Shark House and Amityville Webcam, so we’re not out of the woods yet…
Next time: let’s hope Christmas comes early with 2022’s Amityville Christmas Vacation. It was the winner of Fangoria’s Best Amityville award, after all!
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