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12 Bloody Days of Christmas: Day 1 ‘Creepy Christmas Traditions’

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The holidays can be a horrifying time for any red-blooded gore hound. All the cheer and merriment being spread around is enough to make anyone sick, even those of us who genuinely enjoy this time of year. Let’s face it- there’s only so much blatant overzealousness that one can take. Even non-horror fans can agree that the month of December can, sometimes, be a little too much. So for those of us still living in October, who would prefer to watch Santa’s Slay and countdown the days until Halloween; this series is for you. Think of the 12 Bloody Days of Christmas as my way of saying hey, horror fans can be merry too. On the first day of Christmas, Bloody-Disgusting gave to me — “Creepy Christmas Traditions”!

Day 1: Creepy Christmas Traditions
Day 2: Christmas Characters Gone Wrong
Day 3: Horrifying Holiday Decorations
Day 4: Twisted Yuletide Tales
Day 5: The Nightmare Before Christmas
Day 6: Creepy Christmas Movies
Day 7: Terrifying Toys
Day 8: Top 10 Potential Holiday Weapons
Day 9: Horror’s New Year’s Resolutions
Day 10: Top Picks for the New Year
Day 11: Ghosts of Christmas
Day 12: Happy Horror Holidays

Day 1: Creepy Christmas Traditions
Ah, traditions. Every family has them. From lighting the menorah, to secret Santa, all the way to fruit cake, holiday traditions take precedence over almost every aspect of our lives during this time of year. Each of us has a routine, whether cultural or family-oriented, that we associate with Hanukkah, Christmas, or whichever holiday is being honored.

But, as I quickly found out, not every tradition is as cheerful as you may think. There are some down-right creepy holiday traditions out there that may be the perfect solution to your insatiable need for something quirky.

Krampus

Kind of a funny name, right? But this demon is nothing to laugh about.

And yes, I said demon.

According to some worldly regions, this funny-looking creature, that I believe could pass for a demented goat, accompanies St. Nicholas on his Christmas journeys. His job is to warn and punish bad little children, while the `angels’ get gifts and candy. The best part about this tradition is that the locals, in countries like Austria and Hungary, set aside December 5th as a day of celebration in honor of the great Krampus. Basically it’s an excuse to dress up in elaborate, demonic costumes, play drinking games and cause mayhem. In fact, if you’re interested in the whole Krampus experience, you won’t even have to cross the ocean- the town of Tivoli, New York celebrates Krampus Night each year.

If I was a kid and heard this, I’d be freaked out. It’s a lot worse than that lump of coal my mom used to threaten me with.

Knock, Knock!

Feel like trick or treating on Christmas? Well, move to Germany! Though the tradition is now rarely celebrated, and only in small, rural towns, `Knocking Nights’ was favored by many during the month of December. For the three Thursday nights preceding Christmas, children dress in costume and move from house to house chanting rhymes beginning with the word `knock’. Pair that up with some noisemakers and a treat for their hard work, and it sounds a lot like one of our favorite holidays; Halloween. I vote that we celebrate Halloween once a week, every week, in October- what do you guys think?

Shelf Elf

I spend a lot of time at Barnes and Noble. I’m a stereotypical writer- coffee, bookstore, laptop. The other day, as I was enjoying my White Chocolate Mocha, I caught a glimpse of The Elf on the Shelf. Staring at me. No, seriously, he was staring at me through the plastic box. I finally picked him up, read the book, and decided that this is quite possibly the creepiest thing I have ever seen. This coming from the girl who watches The Exorcist in the dark, that says a lot.

The Elf on the Shelf is another ploy by parents to make their children behave during the holidays. The elf sits around your house, takes note as to whether the kids are worthy of a visit from Santa, and he reports back to the big guy. He supposedly lands in a different spot each morning after making his nightly visit to the North Pole. It sounds good in theory, but according to reports, some kids are psychologically `disturbed’ by the elf, some even reporting post-traumatic stress from the thought of a little man running and flying around their house at night. Maybe we should sick Krampus on him.

Spiders on a Tree

Move over Snakes on a Plane: If you visit the Ukraine during Christmas, you’ll instead have Spiders on a Tree. Those from a Ukrainian background traditionally decorate their trees with spider webs instead of tinsel. This is a sign of good luck, falling in place with the legend of a widow who was too poor to afford decorations for the tree. To her and her children’s surprise, they awoke on Christmas morning to their tree beautifully decorated in webs, which, with the rising sun, turned to silver. As a result, the family never wanted again. It’s a beautiful take on a seemingly gothic presence.

Hide the Broom!

Norwegian Christmases tend to mirror what those of us in the United States partake- church services, bountiful feasts, merry-making, and broom hiding. Wait- broom hiding? You heard me- on Christmas Eve, you won’t find a single household in Norway that has a broom or any type of brush. The Norwegian culture believes that witches and evil spirits will rise from the grave on the night before Christmas and steal these necessities to fly through the sky, creating chaos and mayhem until the arrival of dawn.

It sounds a lot like Halloween but, looking at its origin, Christmas in Norway is built upon a Viking celebration called Jul, which, in essence, is a drinking day. Since Viking traditions are built off of folklore, the dead, and dark days of winter, it’s not that far off to think that cemeteries and the walking dead are just as much a part of Christmas as Yule logs and stocking stuffers.

Demented Winter Festival

In the country of Latvia, Christmas is instead taken over by a Pagan festival known as Ziemassvētki. No, I can’t pronounce it either- personally, I think it sounds like a location used for filming HOSTEL, but it’s actually a winter festival that starts on the evening of December 24th and ends on the 25th. In addition to devouring delicacies such as boiled pig’s snout, peas and beans- the locals also leave out food for the `ghosts’ to share. Leaving it in a hay barn, the sauna, etc. this food would be available to the dearly departed until the New Year. As if that isn’t enough to creep you out, there’s the Latvian `mummers’- groups of gypsies or townspeople that dress up as bears, horses and even Death, going from door to door singing songs to drive away evil spirits. But they don’t get candy- instead; they’re invited in for food and ale. Sounds like the grownup version of trick or treating to me.

And there you have it, some of the creepiest, strangest and most awesome Christmas traditions around. Hey, anything is better than fruit cake and out of tune carolers.

Don’t forget to show your love for Andrea by visiting her blog: The Albin Way

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Editorials

‘A Haunted House’ and the Death of the Horror Spoof Movie

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Due to a complex series of anthropological mishaps, the Wayans Brothers are a huge deal in Brazil. Around these parts, White Chicks is considered a national treasure by a lot of people, so it stands to reason that Brazilian audiences would continue to accompany the Wayans’ comedic output long after North America had stopped taking them seriously as comedic titans.

This is the only reason why I originally watched Michael Tiddes and Marlon Wayans’ 2013 horror spoof A Haunted House – appropriately known as “Paranormal Inactivity” in South America – despite having abandoned this kind of movie shortly after the excellent Scary Movie 3. However, to my complete and utter amazement, I found myself mostly enjoying this unhinged parody of Found Footage films almost as much as the iconic spoofs that spear-headed the genre during the 2000s. And with Paramount having recently announced a reboot of the Scary Movie franchise, I think this is the perfect time to revisit the divisive humor of A Haunted House and maybe figure out why this kind of film hasn’t been popular in a long time.

Before we had memes and internet personalities to make fun of movie tropes for free on the internet, parody movies had been entertaining audiences with meta-humor since the very dawn of cinema. And since the genre attracted large audiences without the need for a serious budget, it made sense for studios to encourage parodies of their own productions – which is precisely what happened with Miramax when they commissioned a parody of the Scream franchise, the original Scary Movie.

The unprecedented success of the spoof (especially overseas) led to a series of sequels, spin-offs and rip-offs that came along throughout the 2000s. While some of these were still quite funny (I have a soft spot for 2008’s Superhero Movie), they ended up flooding the market much like the Guitar Hero games that plagued video game stores during that same timeframe.

You could really confuse someone by editing this scene into Paranormal Activity.

Of course, that didn’t stop Tiddes and Marlon Wayans from wanting to make another spoof meant to lampoon a sub-genre that had been mostly overlooked by the Scary Movie series – namely the second wave of Found Footage films inspired by Paranormal Activity. Wayans actually had an easier time than usual funding the picture due to the project’s Found Footage presentation, with the format allowing for a lower budget without compromising box office appeal.

In the finished film, we’re presented with supposedly real footage recovered from the home of Malcom Johnson (Wayans). The recordings themselves depict a series of unexplainable events that begin to plague his home when Kisha Davis (Essence Atkins) decides to move in, with the couple slowly realizing that the difficulties of a shared life are no match for demonic shenanigans.

In practice, this means that viewers are subjected to a series of familiar scares subverted by wacky hijinks, with the flick featuring everything from a humorous recreation of the iconic fan-camera from Paranormal Activity 3 to bizarre dance numbers replacing Katy’s late-night trances from Oren Peli’s original movie.

Your enjoyment of these antics will obviously depend on how accepting you are of Wayans’ patented brand of crass comedy. From advanced potty humor to some exaggerated racial commentary – including a clever moment where Malcom actually attempts to move out of the titular haunted house because he’s not white enough to deal with the haunting – it’s not all that surprising that the flick wound up with a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes despite making a killing at the box office.

However, while this isn’t my preferred kind of humor, I think the inherent limitations of Found Footage ended up curtailing the usual excesses present in this kind of parody, with the filmmakers being forced to focus on character-based comedy and a smaller scale story. This is why I mostly appreciate the love-hate rapport between Kisha and Malcom even if it wouldn’t translate to a healthy relationship in real life.

Of course, the jokes themselves can also be pretty entertaining on their own, with cartoony gags like the ghost getting high with the protagonists (complete with smoke-filled invisible lungs) and a series of silly The Exorcist homages towards the end of the movie. The major issue here is that these legitimately funny and genre-specific jokes are often accompanied by repetitive attempts at low-brow humor that you could find in any other cheap comedy.

Not a good idea.

Not only are some of these painfully drawn out “jokes” incredibly unfunny, but they can also be remarkably offensive in some cases. There are some pretty insensitive allusions to sexual assault here, as well as a collection of secondary characters defined by negative racial stereotypes (even though I chuckled heartily when the Latina maid was revealed to have been faking her poor English the entire time).

Cinephiles often claim that increasingly sloppy writing led to audiences giving up on spoof movies, but the fact is that many of the more beloved examples of the genre contain some of the same issues as later films like A Haunted House – it’s just that we as an audience have (mostly) grown up and are now demanding more from our comedy. However, this isn’t the case everywhere, as – much like the Elves from Lord of the Rings – spoof movies never really died, they simply diminished.

A Haunted House made so much money that they immediately started working on a second one that released the following year (to even worse reviews), and the same team would later collaborate once again on yet another spoof, 50 Shades of Black. This kind of film clearly still exists and still makes a lot of money (especially here in Brazil), they just don’t have the same cultural impact that they used to in a pre-social-media-humor world.

At the end of the day, A Haunted House is no comedic masterpiece, failing to live up to the laugh-out-loud thrills of films like Scary Movie 3, but it’s also not the trainwreck that most critics made it out to be back in 2013. Comedy is extremely subjective, and while the raunchy humor behind this flick definitely isn’t for everyone, I still think that this satirical romp is mostly harmless fun that might entertain Found Footage fans that don’t take themselves too seriously.

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