It’s a scenario that we’ve all thought of on more than one occasion: What would we do if we were being chased by one of the iconic horror movie villains? These may be some of the biggest, baddest, most violent opponents on the planet but we’ve got years upon years of horror movie viewing experience that has trained us for situations such as these.
Well, this question, and the potential solutions, is something that Love And Death bassist vALEntin3 has also given a great deal of thought to. Below you will find his list horror characters and what to do should they set their evil gaze upon you. Enjoy!
Love And Death, which features ex-Korn guitarist Brian “Head” Welch, is currently supporting their EP Chemicals (iTunes). A full length album is due for release this fall.
WHAT TO DO IF BEING CHASED BY MY TOP 10 HORROR CHARACTERS
by vALEntin3 of LOVE and DEATH
DISCLAIMER: Even following what I have written to the letter, your survival rate is about a 10% chance. The only sure fire way to survive being chased by any of these creatures is NOT to be chased by any of these creatures.
10. PENNYWISE from “IT”
“… wait a minute. That ain’t Bozo!!”
Hands down the scariest clown in the history of clowns. Well Pagliacci is up there, but still Pennywise ain’t serving “Happy Meals”. Pennywise preys on humans by using their own fears against them. That being said, what is your worst fear? What would he use against you? This is where he will start and it will become a battle of the minds. Since he actually is somewhere else sending out these illusions of a clown, finding his lair could be of great importance to you. He has been known to reside in the sewer tunnels, so you could start there OR you could stay alive by just staying away and learning to live with the “Illusions” like Russell Crow in “Beautiful Mind”. Just remember, the worse the hallucinations get the harder he is trying. Look at it like a “Drunk Birthday Clown” failing at his job. Stay away from storm drains and enjoy the show, well as much as you can enjoy a “Circus” with no peanuts or elephants… Unless you are scared of peanuts and elephants, then Pennywise would be sure you see plenty.
9. LEPRECHAUN from “The Leprechaun”
“I’m looking over, a four leaf clov……………… ”
Word of advice, “KEEP AWAY FROM HIS LUCKY CHARMS” A.K.A His Gold. This Leprechaun is NOT the little cute Irish folklore character but a fast, conniving, extremely mean and grotesques looking creature who is willing to stab, stomp, kick, bite, drive and, yes, even POGO on top of you for his gold. If you ever hear the sound of little feet with shoe buckles scurrying behind you get your feet running to the nearest bowling alley. YUP, BOWLING ALLEY. Once there find the shoe rental department (usually in the front of the building). You do NOT have much time here. Begin tossing shoes down the Bowling Lanes… AS MANY SHOES AS POSSIBLE! The dirtier the shoe the better. When the Leprechaun gets there make sure he takes notice of the “SHOE BAIT”, he can’t resist but to clean them. When he gets out on the lane… BOWL like Big Ern McCracken!!! BUT BEWARE, You best be bowling turkeys or the cops will find YOU in the gutters.
8. CHUCKY from “Child’s Play”
“… batteries not included, don’t worry about it he runs on SOUL-er power anyway”
Killing machines come in small packages… i.e. A Gun, Knife, Matches, VD, and yes, even Charles Lee Ray’s spirit. If you have a “Good Guy Doll” hanging around your playroom I suggest heading to a OPEN SPACE, like a paved playground. You WANT to see Chucky coming!! The more stuff around he has to hide in, the better a chance he has of a surprise attack and turning you into a “Broken Toy”. Chucky’s heart is the only target you should focus on and if he has no where to hide and you are above 4 feet tall the odds of victory are in your favor, but ALWAYS remember, “It’s NOT the size that matters in a fight, it’s heart”… and Chucky has plenty to keep his Tonka Trucking along.
7. CANDYMAN from “Candyman”
“… what is that buzzzzzzing noise?”
Lets say that you are having a slumber party, and lets say someone goads you into looking at a mirror, then lets say you make the mistake of saying, “Candyman” 5 times. We can safely say, “Bye Bye” to the rest of your life. If you are lucky Candyman won’t appear right away to rub you out (sometimes he waits). This is your ONLY chance of survival. As far as I can figure the only way NOT to be killed by Candyman is to convince him you are not worth killing, and the only way to do that is to stay alive long enough to have a conversation with him. You have to work fast to get this done. Go online and order a full chain mail suit of armor, while on the internet also order a bee keepers suit (it needs to be extra large to wear over the chain mail). Pray for overnight delivery!!! This armor will at least let you stay along long enough to get in a few words to him. Now it is up to your charisma to keep from getting hooked. Tell him how unfair his life was and how you would love to see one of his beautiful paintings and how the world has changed since the times of his death. Hopefully he will take pity on you OR you will be the most oddly dressed homicide victim the police have ever found.
6. PINHEAD from “Hellraiser”
“… pardon me sir you got a little something on your face”
A Demon to some, and Angel to others… A dangerous creature to ALL. If you are going to mess with the Lament Box the key here is, “Preparation”. I suggest a lot of practice with a Rubik’s Cube, get your hand-eye coordination down. Make sure the room that Pinhead arrives in is completely set up in your favor of survival. Pinhead is very intelligent and is willing to talk for a minute with you before he tears your soul apart (unfortunately by this time his chains are usually already sunk into your flesh and are awaiting his orders to pull in every direction). If your room set up is correct you should be able to avoid the chain attack. The room needs to be completely titanium with another titanium room connected by a door that will shut and seal quickly after you enter. The two rooms should be separated with Graphene Glass. I would also add a bunch of mirrors just for effect… Now you may be asking, “Where would I get all the money to build this VERY expensive room?” Well I will retort with this question, “Why in HELL would I mess with the Lament Box in the first place?” The answer is, “I WOULDN’T”
5. BUB from “Day of the Dead”
“… it’s like dog, only it’s a dead human still walking around, No big deal”
To kill Bub would not be hard at all, actually Zombies (unless surprised by one) are only dangerous in numbers. The question you should ask is, “Why would I kill him?” Bub is a zombie with a higher intelligence than most, much like Big Daddy in “Land of the Dead”. You would however have to treat Bub like a wild animal and train him from a safe distance. NEVER in your house, but a garage if big enough would work nicely. Start training him by introducing him to things that would remind him of the life he once had, i.e. a phone, a book, a comb, simple things that will invoke emotions inside his rotting skull. MENTAL NOTE- I canNOT stress enough, while training a Zombie, NEVER let your guard down!!!! Treat them like a pet snake, they can be fast and they bite. You may want to ask your local pet store owner if raising a Zombie is right for you.
4. FREDDY KRUEGER from “A Nightmare on Elm St.”
“… aren’t you hot with that sweater on down here?”
Freddy has two downfalls, 1. He can’t seem to figure out how to come out of dream world for long periods of time and 2. He is, how you say, “Full of Himself”. Both of these weaknesses can be used to keep him from disturbing your slumber. First, technology has come along way and there are plenty of devices and gizmos that can wake you up systematically through out the night, be warned that this is really gonna piss Freddy off but hey Freddy no matter how pissed has ever just “KILLED” someone without first going into this long speech about what not or whatever. Use these little conversation with Freddy to get to know him and actually earn his trust (if you can). Freddy cannot be killed so the only option is to use his “EGO” to your advantage. Tell him that he could go ahead and kill you OR spare you and you will start a blog about him and spread the FEAR of Freddy over the world. Remember that Freddy survives on fear so this idea should spark his interest. I mean the guy really wants his story known. If all goes as I believe it would you will wake up and have a choice to either do the, “Freddy Promotion” or not. I don’t think they get internet in the dream world anyways. I barley get it in my house. But if you don’t keep your end of the deal and somehow he finds out about it the last thing you will hear is some cheesy line and lets face it … That is the WORSE way to go out.
3. LEATHERFACE from “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”
“… the saw is just ONE member of the family”
When touring through Texas I have only ONE rule: always have a family size bag of beef jerky on my person at all times. The first reason is because Texas has the best beef jerky and the second reason is because I believe that Leatherface would enjoy it. I mean, hey, he is a meat eater and his mask bares a striking resemblance. If you find yourself amongst this cannibal family first thing to do is separate Leatherface from the rest of the group. Leatherface isn’t so bright by himself but with his family around… they are unstoppable! The way to do this is RUN!! Keep running and then run some more, usually the family gives up the chase and just tells him to follow. The next thing to do is claw your way up the thickest tallest tree you can find. Leatherface is not coordinated enough to follow you up the tree and I seriously doubt he takes the time to clean his chainsaw. A Texas Oak will make him and his tool of death work very hard to get you down, I mean it is one thing to cut through bone and flesh. It is a very different thing to cut a tree down. As he is working on getting you down, get his attention and start tossing jerky at him as if trying to feed a hungry bear. If my theory is correct he will get over excited and show you his awesome dance moves. If he is liking the jerky then toss down more (remember get the family size bag). At this point you have to read him, have you made a friend or just served an appetizer. My theory is the saw will either run out of gas or the chain will give. If that happens he probably will go get help from the family… DO NOT CLIMB DOWN AND TRY TO FIGHT HIM WITH YOUR FIST, HE WILL DESTROY YOU… Wait until he is gone for help and flee in the opposite direction, if by chance the family shows up while you are still in the tree… eat the rest of your beef jerky and savor it, because it is your last meal.
2. MICHAEL MYERS from ” Halloween”
“… a whole new level of sibling rivalry”
The good news about Michael Myers is that he only wants one thing and he only goes for it one day a year, but if you unfortunate enough to find yourself between him and his sister than you have a MAJOR problem on your hands. Start off by heading to a well lit area, on your way you will need to stop for some supplies… Home Depot will have them all and the parking lot is usually well lit so one stop shop… Head to the pesticide department and scoop up one of those pump spray gallons, next find where they keep their Tiki Torches, scoop up 3, next head to the parking lot, find a curb island with dirt or grass. Set up the 3 Tiki Torches and light them, make sure that they are lit and burning bright… Next go to the gas pumps (Most Home Depots have Gas stations now) fill up the pump gallon sprayer with gas. You might be wondering do you have time to do all this, the answer is yes. Michael is slow but he will always show up when he is on a mission to kill. When you see him enter the parking lot go straight on the attack. Begin spraying him with the gasoline, don’t worry about his body that is not the point. You are just trying to soak his rubber mask in gas. After Michael is drenched with the gas run toward the already lit Tiki Torches, grab one and make a jab at his face. His head should go up like a lit Jack-O-Lantern, as the rubber mask melts his vision should be totally blinded… Now is your chance to get in your car and drive south, YES south all the way to Argentina. Before you ask why didn’t I say just drive south first without confronting Michael? Remember, he can drive but he can’t drive blind. When you arrive in Argentina hop on a boat and spend the rest of your days in the middle of an ocean. Yeah, I know it ain’t the best idea but remember Michael Myers is after you and NOW he is really, really upset.
1. JASON VOORHEES from “Friday the 13th”
“… at least the view of the lake is beautiful before you die”
Here is the deal, at the beginning of this survival guide I said, ” You have a 10% chance of survival if any of these creatures want to kill you” … Well when it comes to Jason (if he wants you dead) you have a zero chance. So that being said, it is NOT about killing him it is about containing him until he kills you. To find the best place to lead him to is written all over his face. YUP, a HOCKEY RINK!!! The plexiglass around the rink is specially designed for taking a beating. I know that there is usually at least two doors onto the ice. Lure Jason through one door and slide across the ice, don’t leave the rink before he is out in the middle, Jason is slow but he ain’t stupid. Once he is in the middle of the ice, run out the other door, around the outside of the rink and lock him inside. You have now contained Jason for awhile. He will not get leverage on the ice to use his strength against the wall (which can take a lot of strength anyways) and will probably fall and struggle with getting up. ZAMBONI TIME!!! Run him over and slide him across the ice as many times as possible, he will eventually grab on, climb up and kill you… but hey it was fun while it lasted. Just a side note, there are 2 times I can recall that Jason was close enough to kill a person and instead let them go. Once was in New York he lifted his mask to a group of thugs and they ran off with only mental scars. The second time was when he was standing over a little girl laying in bed. She closed her eyes and began to pray, when she opened her eyes he was gone and she was safe. You could try doing that if he is after you. HEY it might work.
I hope this list helps out if you ever find yourself being chased down by the most notorious killers known to man.
Got any thoughts/questions/concerns for Jonny B.? Shoot him a message on Twitter!
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