We’re all a fan of horror movies, right? Otherwise, why would you be here? And we’ve all got our own personal tastes of what makes a great horror movie versus a terrible one. The same goes with Jeremy “Jerms” Genske, vocalist of Chicago heavy metal band Dirge Within. So much so that he decided to whip up a list of his Top 10 WORST horror movies. This list, which is pretty damn hilarious if you ask me, covers a few big name entries but also several more under the radar selections. Check out the list below and leave a comment with YOUR worst horror movie!
Dirge Within’s latest album is There Will Be Blood (Amazon). The band has a few tour dates as well, which you can see below.
Jerms from Dirge Within here! Now, I love horror movies. Seriously, I love them. So much so that I’ve dedicated my whole arm to the 80’s classics! But just like any medium there are gems, and there is total sh*t. Right now we’re gonna talk about the ones that fall into the “total sh*t” category. The ones that fly under the horror movie radar, the ones that never should have made it on the shelves, ones that were so f*cking bad the people that wrote/directed them are now bus drivers. Don’t get me wrong, I still love these movies. Almost to a fault (I’m addicted to buying those 6-8 movie packs in the $5.00 dvd bins) Anyway, here’s my top ten of those craptastic horror movies you can’t help but love!
10. The Nightmare on Elm Street (2010 Remake): Now I’m sure people are thinking, WHY?! It’s new! It’s modern! In my opinion, this franchise should have not been touched at all! To me, the NOES series was just fine the way it was. Freddy Krueger is to be played by Robert Englund ONLY! Even when the dude’s 90 years old and can barely walk, if he looked up at you and uttered the phrase “Welcome to my world, b*tch.” I’m pretty sure you’d still piss yourself. Sorry but the guy that played Rorschach in The Watchmen will never be as naturally and flawlessly evil. So with that I start my list.
9. Sleepaway Camp 2: I mean, c’mon now. Don’t get me wrong, I love this movie. It could easily go under the “Classic” category, but the movie itself is just terrible. I mean the big plot twist is that SHE used to be a HE, and the reason she killed everyone was because she was picked on when she was a little boy. Great, thanks for that. One big happy ray of f*ckin’ sunshine she was. Or he. Or she…whatever.
8. Jeepers Creepers 1 & 2: Now, I know I may get a lot of sh*t for this one because there are a lot of people that actually like these movies. But since this is my list, I don’t give a sh*t. I thought both of those movies were terrible! A murderous scarecrow with a GINORMOUS wingspan is after Justin Long?!? Nooooo!!! About the only creepy part of these movies is the song itself. I bet even Justin Long leaves that movie out of the conversation when discussing his film repertoire. And the second one…a bunch of kids trapped on a bus in the middle of nowhere while on a school trip…while hilarious to watch..not scary.
7. Killjoy: A nerdy kid gets beaten and murdered for talking to a gang-banger’s girlfriend and turns into an evil clown with gingivitis and he kills his murderers by pulling them into his dream world. Do I need to say more?
6. Pulse: As they said in the movie “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”, OH MY GOD! My cell phone is out to kill me! Seriously, ghosts can travel between all our electronic devices and kill us. Wow. Whoever thought this was a good idea to remake and had the wherewithal to convince someone to actually DO it, should get an award or something. Way to dupe some assh*le into buying that crap. You seriously deserve a free dinner for 2 at Golden Corral. I know at the time it was popular to remake Japanese horror movies, but this one should have been left in japan. I turned this movie off about halfway through, but then kept watching because I remembered that Kristen Bell is smokin’ hot. So that’s about the only saving grace.
5. Big Tit Zombies: Speaking of Japanese imports….here’s this gem of a horror movie. A bunch of Japanese strippers get infected with the “dead” disease from some homeless guy. Then some other Japanese girl with a big ass Katana shows up like she’s a pro zombie killer. She teams up with a lowly couple of strippers and they fight zombies together. Even the first two words in the title of this movie, while accurate, could not save this movie. At all.
4. Jason X: Seriously…what the f*ck?! Jason Voorhees…in space?!?! All of a sudden in the 25th century Jason wakes up in a spaceship and becomes uber buff with a new shiny metal hockey mask?!?! I seriously wanted to take a machete and show the ass clown that wrote and directed this piece of sh*te what Jason Voorhees was all about. How that movie happened, the world will never know.
3. Any and ALL of the Wrong Turn movies: Do I really need an explanation on this one?
2. Parents: I’m a huge Randy Quaid fan in the 80’s and 90’s. So when I saw that he was in a horror movie I was stoked! And then I turned it on…and watched it. Ok yeah the parents are cannibals…I can live with that. That’s all fine and dandy. But the whole movie leading up to that revelation is so ridiculously hard to follow. It makes NO sense at all. Randy Quaid…you have disappointed me. Now go back to playing Cousin Eddie in the Vacation movies!
1. Blood Diner: This movie is BY FAR the WORST horror movie I have ever seen! Two guys that own a vegetarian diner murder women and take various body parts to rebuild a voodoo goddess’s body and resurrect her. Being ordered to do so by the talking brain of their dead uncle. All the while feeding the remains of their victims to the patrons of their diner. There is absolutely NO redeeming quality of this movie from start to finish. Not even the gratuitous topless aerobics class scene. By the end of the movie I felt as bad as I did when I watched ONE episode of Jersey Shore. I was ashamed and wanted the time of my life I wasted watching it back. It’s just so..bad. Not even so bad that it’s actually amazing…just bad.
Upcoming Dirge Within tour dates:
August 10 – Fort Wayne, Indiana @ Piere’s w/Fear Factory
August 11 – Twin Lakes, Wisconsin @ Shadow Hill Ranch [WIIL ROCK FEST]
August 12 – Chesterfield, Michigan @ New York New York w/Fear Factory
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