I’m Bored- So Why Not Respond to Uwe Boll?

What is it that Uwe Boll doesn’t understand? When will this guy just move on with his life and keep on making more terrible movies? If he keeps it up, he might even be worse than Ed Wood was considered! I’m a little bored right now, so inside you’ll find a letter from Uwe Boll to the public about his last movie House of the Dead (review) and my response. Take in to knowledge that many of you might not agree with me, but many of you will, and this is only MY opinion. So feel free to laugh or fight back by clicking here- so without further a due- Mr. Boll…A MESSAGE FROM UWE BOLL, DIRECTOR AND PRODUCER OF HOUSE OF THE DEAD- originally found here. My responses are in red.

“HOUSE Of THE DEAD was in a lot of territories a very big success. In Middle East, Russia, Spain, Thailand and South America was the movie similar to the USA and KANADA two weeks in the TOP TEN and a long time in the Video/DVD-Charts. Well right now so is Scary Movie 3, Welcome to Mooseport and Eurotrip and all of those movies sucked ass. If you want to argue this one, Ill spend a few hours researching and come up with hundreds of dreadful titles that were on the top ten. In a lot of countries the release is coming up in summer. But in the internet are a lot of negative voices talking about the film and I wanna tell all this people that they are right and wrong. No we’re right.

If you think that HOD is **** you are right I know! I said that… in a way because it is cheesy but you are wrong in a lot of ways. First of all if you really see the move on screen or DVD you will recognize that the CINEMASCOPE look of the movie and the sound are absolutly A LIST and not one percent less quality as RESIDENT EVIL or UNDERWORLD. Sure, I won’t take that away from you, but didn’t Matrix 2 and 3 (obviously your favorite movie) prove that great FX and sound don’t make a movie good? Second: What is the game HOUSE OF THE DEAD about? It is a cheesy action shooter. And dont forget I made a movie out of that game. I did not made a ZOMBIE movie alone – I made a game based movie. So the game is an action shooter game where you kill zombies – and if you really compare my movie to movies like RESIDENT EVIL or UNDERWORLD then I dont know what you was waiting for? Two words Mr. Boll- ZOMBIE SWORDFIGHT? Come on!! You keep talking about action, the most action I saw in the first 35 minutes was a boat sailing in the water. In HOD we have a lot of GORE Where? I missed it, was it green? or maybe it was the flashes of red on the screen from the game? and a lot of action. Much more as in Resident Evil Whats with you and Resident Evil, is this the movie you wished you could make?. The big battle in front of the house with the MATRIX and TURN TABLE effects, over 100 blood effects and 11000 cuts in 13 minutes will be film history in a few years because in NO OTHER FILM EVER was a similar scene. Oh man, back to my Matrix point again- big FX DO NOT make a freakin’ movie, that’s all you talk about for gods sake! Also Rodrigez or Tarantino ever made a scene like this escalating action scene in HOD. I really tried to make out of a teenage horror script a special new form of a videogame based movie. Well you failed- get over it and move on with your life. I’m not 100% satisfied with the result but it was the maximum what I could do with the budget and script. Total and utter BULLSH!T! I can name HUNDREDS of movies that had budgets you could probably only buy yourself a crappy camera with and they were ALL- and I mean ALL- better than your movie, even The Blair Witch Project. And what is really pissing me of is that a lot of real horrorfans (especially on Creature Corner, IMDB, Yahoo) are not able to see a difference and judge unfair. No, you don’t see the difference and youre being unfair on yourself by thinking it was a good movie. Maybe if you stopped and thought about it for a second, you could maybe LEARN from your mistakes and prove us wrong in your next movie? Instead you just keep showing us that you’re going to make the same mistakes in Alone in the Dark- what in gods name were Stephen Dorff, Tara Reid and Christian Slater thinking? Third: also if the story/dialog is cheesy the story has no big logical problems or mistakes. It wasn’t just the story Uwe, it was EVERYTHING- I think my major gripe is that you are a liar. I wish I still had our old database where I could have proved to you that you SWORE that there would be no video game footage in the movie. Then the movie hits and look at that- craptacular video game footage! Liar!

Can you show me in HOD logical mistakes like in the remake of DAWN OF THE DEAD? How the **** in DAWN OF THE DEAD is coming the fat woman and the other people from the inside of the truck in the mall? How they are coming later back in the tunnel from the house of the sniper? I don’t understand? Well I guess it doesn’t matter because I actually had FUN watching the remake, while I had to keep pausing yours to grab another drink- so I might make it through alive.

I write this because I read all that **** and I give my commentaries also. I startet filming as a boy and I had NO CONNECTIONS in the film industry Well neither did Kevin Smith or Robert Rodriquez or Quentin Tarantino- they rule, no nice uncle or rich parents taking care of me. I worked myself in the film industry, made movies like GERMAN FRIED MOVIE or RUN AMOK with NO MONEY and released the movies on my own, travelled to the theatres, talking to the exhibits and to the audience. That is really cool, but that doesn’t make House of the Dead a good movie, you understand yet? That I make movies is not a result of VITAMIN B is is the result of my work and my dicipline and my talent.
Before you all write more **** about my movies you should look THE HEART OF AMERICA for example, the movie I did before I made HOUSE OF THE DEAD and you should see ALONE IN THE DARK. After you saw this movies you should have the balls to say “Sorry about my comments!”. Why, I’m going to say it again and again- your movie SUCKED AS$, GET OVER IT The weak part of HOD was the story – not the directing. In August ALONE IN THE DARK is finished and this movie is way above movies like UNDERWORLD or RESIDENT EVIL. I’ll tell you what, drop me an email, invite me to a private screening and prove it… then I can come back here and talk about your revival as a director. But I don’t think that will happen, honestly I don’t And for BLOODRAYNE what we do this summer – we have a great script from Guin Turner (she co-wrote AMERICAN PSYCHO) The best news to come out of this rant of nonsense! and we will deliver a movie way better as VAN HELSING was (much darker and more brutal). Wow those are big words- I’m saving this letter so when you’re next movie sucks and the one after that sucks I can keep quoting you over and over again. Keep digging yourself a deeper hole friend.
Uwe Boll”

Once again, I don’t mean to sound disrespectful to the man, I just think he needs a big slap in the face of reality. Uwe- if you read this- you need to look in the mirror and just accept it was a bad movie, it happens, people make bad movies. The fact that you are so persistent that you think it was good should be outweighed by the negative reviews. Instead of criticizing the critics, why not listen to them and learn from it. Like I said, learn, and make a better movie. Then when you make a better movie- we’ll still think House of the Dead sucked, so GET OVER IT

Laugh or fight back by clicking here.

Source: Alone in the Dark website