Spooky Dan’s Quick-Shot Reviews

For you guys who don’t last more than 30-seconds in bed, you need Spooky Dan’s quick-shot reviews to add to that lifestyle. Here at B-D we’re sick off all the lame ass movies with good-looking covers, there are so many that I don’t want to keep adding these films to our database and giving them the time of day they don’t deserve. So this new bi-weekly report is here to tell you which piece of crap is the best if you must rent something. And who knows, maybe we’ll find a gem hiding in the rough? Read on for Spooky’s first report…

Spooky Dan’s Quick-Shot reviews
From a real man who can appreciate a good piece of crap!

That’s right ghoulies, you came to the right spot to get super quick reviews of recently released indie DVDs. That’s just the facts for those of you with no time or no attention span. Now pay attention!

This weeks reviews:

-Cross Bones
-Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutters Cove
-The Off Season

*All ratings on a Scale of 1- 10

Cross Bones

Buy it here

WOW! Because my girlfriend loves pirates we rented this DVD, and knowing it would be bad will still hoped for some fun and silliness. But what we got was quite possibly the VERY worst film I have ever seen!!! The cover looks cool, but what you get is boring and misleading. A “pirate” film, no not really… sure there is a pirate in it, but just one and he is on screen for a whopping 5 or 6 minutes. The dialog is redundant, annoying and horrible- for their own sakes I hope that anyone involved with this film changed their names in the credits, because there is no excuse for a film like this EVER to get released.
To the filmmakers who just stole my $5 rental fee- Shame on you!!

Bad acting, Bad writing, Bad direction… Bad Everything!!

Overall – Negative 5
Nudity – 1
Gore – 1
Cheese Factor – 1

Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutters Cove

Buy it here

Gary Jones directed and co-wrote this fairly amusing film. It’s about a few teenagers that are partying on a beach, find a treasure chest and then release a pretty cool looking and nasty demon pirate. It’s not awful but the movie as a whole just felt rushed and sloppy. My main problem was that when you get to see the Pirate do his nastiness, we barely see his cool make-up. Overall it’s a Friday night cheesy rental that should provide enough laughs to keep you fairly entertained.

Overall – 4
Nudity – 2
Gore – 3
Cheese Factor – 4

The Off Season

Buy it here

Another bore-fest on your video shelves with a kick ass cover (what a surprise). I for one am sick of the local video stores being overrun with crap that is marketed as Horror, but really is just simple lame. Poor Angus Scrimm gets to act in this dud; it gives him another notch on his IMDB belt, but really just looks like he was onboard as a favor to someone. The premise follows a couple who move into a run down motel during “The Off Season”. The husband goes nutty and leaves as the woman gets sick and starts seeing thing. Not anything extremely cool, just random creepiness. It looks like it was shot for about $100, so on that note I give credit to the filmmakers for making a low budget film mildly entertaining, which by any stretch of the imagination is an amazing feat! But again save your money and time, and rent some other decent “ghost” story like ‘Poltergeist’ or ‘The Others’.

Overall – 2
Nudity – 0
Gore – 1
Cheese Factor – 2

-Spooky Dan
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Source: Spooky Dan