Halloween is supposed to be a night for celebrating the darker sides of human nature. But just like with Christmas, it’s original meaning has been adulterated by consumerism. Instead of worrying about demons and zombies, we now spend Halloween collecting buckets of candy and/or ogling sexy maids/nurses/teachers/adult babies.
Let’s bring the focus back on what Halloween’s really about: Death. While you’re out trick or treating this year, keep these wonderful Halloween-themed threats in mind.
A classic, and for good reason. The only idea worse than biting into an unseen razor blade is the idea that you might unknowingly swallow one. With a razor blade slicing through all your insides, it’s only a matter of time before you’re barfing up your whole digestive track. And yes, that means you die with a mouth full of your own poo.
He doesn’t come around as much as he used to, but you’re can never be sure when Michael Myers will attack next. Back in the day, Myers attacks were more common but they weren’t so bad. You’d get stabbed or chocked or dropped or whatever, but it’d go by relatively quickly. This more recent Michael Myers is a bit different. He doesn’t just stab you, he punches through your head with a knife, not just once but twenty to thirty times. He’s also kind of a hobo, so he smells just awful.
Making your Jack-O-Lantern
It’s amazing how many children make Jack-O-Lanterns during for Halloween. The supposedly fun activity just begs for premature death. Kids usually aren’t that smart. And even the smart ones still suffer from poor hand-eye coordination and body control. So the idea that we let them use knives to cut faces into hollowed-out pumpkins seems especially ludicrous. And even worse, we then expect them to play with fire lighting them up. It’s a wonder Halloween emergency rooms aren’t filled with flaming pen-knife victims year after year. This could be the year.
Circus Peanut Asphyxiation
You thought circus peanuts were bad because they’re basically packing peanuts with a little sugar sprinkled on them? No way. They’re bad because when you eat them they purposefully try to stick in your throat, choking you to death. You didn’t know they were alive? Well, they are. Circus Peanuts are actually alien organisms meant to infiltrate earth by laying eggs in stomachs of decomposing human corpses. The only reason this Circus Peanut Invasion has yet to take off is because anyone who ever ate one spit it out immediately.
Corn mazes are a tried and true Halloween tradition, but people underestimate how dangerous they are. Simply put: a well designed labyrinth can keep people confused and mixed up for days. It only takes a few of those before dehydration sets in, less if you’ve been drinking alcohol (and if you’re doing a corn maze you’re either drunk, a child, or both). And even if you have water, you still face starvation. Yeah, you can eat all the corn you want, but you’ll still die because your body won’t digest it, kind of like dying of thirst in the middle of the ocean.
Christian wackos have problems with almost everything that’s cool, so it should come as no surprise that some Christian wackos dislike a holiday that glorifies gluttony, demon worship, and cleavage. Since Christian activity works as kind of an afterlife credit system, they’re less inclined to worry about terrestrial concerns such as jail time and the electric chair if it means an addition on the golden mansion awaiting them in Heaven. As a result, you never know when one might abduct you and bore you with extremely long sermons before wrapping your face in plastic wrap and shooting the top of your head off.
Don’t laugh or roll your eyes. Being called impossible is the number one way things become possible. It could happen. Don’t talk to me about science. I don’t want to hear about your science.
So let’s hypothetically say the worse happens and everyone turns into their Halloween costumes like in that episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. All in one night, we would suddenly have to deal with a massive increase in ghost, zombie, vampire, werewolf, Bane, and Borat activity across the nation. Even worse, the only people left behind to fight back would be all the princesses and Yodas. To say we’re doomed would be putting it lightly.
The human head isn’t as hard as you think. If you and your friends are out smashing pumpkins without helmets on, you may be courting Halloween death. As we all know, smashing those things is a blast. But the more fun you have, the less you aim. And the less you aim, the more likely it is that you’ll accidentally hit someone in the head, replacing their face with pumpkin pie.
It’s a horrible way to go. Victims don’t die automatically, but suffocate on pumpkins guts while running around wildly like a goofball. Usually, they run into traffic. Rarely does a Smashing Pumpkin death supply a corpse clean enough for an open casket. Beware.
Kids may look cute, but in large groups they can be deadly. Halloween exasperates their threat immensely. Not only are they roaming the streets in loosely organized gangs, but they’re hopped up on sugar highs. Even worse, their costumes grant them anonymity, allowing them to act without fear of repercussion.They may only smash your heads with pumpkins. Or perhaps they will force circus peanuts down your throat. The most unlucky victims are stoned to death with popcorn balls. Get them before they get you.
Because cancer doesn’t care if it’s Halloween or not.
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