[Special Feature] 10 Awful Ways To Die This Halloween

trick-r-treat

Halloween is supposed to be a night for celebrating the darker sides of human nature. But just like with Christmas, it’s original meaning has been adulterated by consumerism. Instead of worrying about demons and zombies, we now spend Halloween collecting buckets of candy and/or ogling sexy maids/nurses/teachers/adult babies.

Let’s bring the focus back on what Halloween’s really about: Death. While you’re out trick or treating this year, keep these wonderful Halloween-themed threats in mind.

Razor-Blade Candy

A classic, and for good reason. The only idea worse than biting into an unseen razor blade is the idea that you might unknowingly swallow one. With a razor blade slicing through all your insides, it’s only a matter of time before you’re barfing up your whole digestive track. And yes, that means you die with a mouth full of your own poo.

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Michael Myers

He doesn’t come around as much as he used to, but you’re can never be sure when Michael Myers will attack next. Back in the day, Myers attacks were more common but they weren’t so bad. You’d get stabbed or chocked or dropped or whatever, but it’d go by relatively quickly. This more recent Michael Myers is a bit different. He doesn’t just stab you, he punches through your head with a knife, not just once but twenty to thirty times. He’s also kind of a hobo, so he smells just awful.

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Making your Jack-O-Lantern

It’s amazing how many children make Jack-O-Lanterns during for Halloween. The supposedly fun activity just begs for premature death. Kids usually aren’t that smart. And even the smart ones still suffer from poor hand-eye coordination and body control. So the idea that we let them use knives to cut faces into hollowed-out pumpkins seems especially ludicrous. And even worse, we then expect them to play with fire lighting them up. It’s a wonder Halloween emergency rooms aren’t filled with flaming pen-knife victims year after year. This could be the year.

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Circus Peanut Asphyxiation

You thought circus peanuts were bad because they’re basically packing peanuts with a little sugar sprinkled on them? No way. They’re bad because when you eat them they purposefully try to stick in your throat, choking you to death. You didn’t know they were alive? Well, they are. Circus Peanuts are actually alien organisms meant to infiltrate earth by laying eggs in stomachs of decomposing human corpses. The only reason this Circus Peanut Invasion has yet to take off is because anyone who ever ate one spit it out immediately.

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Corn Maze

Corn mazes are a tried and true Halloween tradition, but people underestimate how dangerous they are. Simply put: a well designed labyrinth can keep people confused and mixed up for days. It only takes a few of those before dehydration sets in, less if you’ve been drinking alcohol (and if you’re doing a corn maze you’re either drunk, a child, or both). And even if you have water, you still face starvation. Yeah, you can eat all the corn you want, but you’ll still die because your body won’t digest it, kind of like dying of thirst in the middle of the ocean.

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Christian Wackos

Christian wackos have problems with almost everything that’s cool, so it should come as no surprise that some Christian wackos dislike a holiday that glorifies gluttony, demon worship, and cleavage. Since Christian activity works as kind of an afterlife credit system, they’re less inclined to worry about terrestrial concerns such as jail time and the electric chair if it means an addition on the golden mansion awaiting them in Heaven. As a result, you never know when one might abduct you and bore you with extremely long sermons before wrapping your face in plastic wrap and shooting the top of your head off.

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Monster Apocalypse

Don’t laugh or roll your eyes. Being called impossible is the number one way things become possible. It could happen. Don’t talk to me about science. I don’t want to hear about your science.

So let’s hypothetically say the worse happens and everyone turns into their Halloween costumes like in that episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. All in one night, we would suddenly have to deal with a massive increase in ghost, zombie, vampire, werewolf, Bane, and Borat activity across the nation. Even worse, the only people left behind to fight back would be all the princesses and Yodas. To say we’re doomed would be putting it lightly.

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Smashing Pumpkins

The human head isn’t as hard as you think. If you and your friends are out smashing pumpkins without helmets on, you may be courting Halloween death. As we all know, smashing those things is a blast. But the more fun you have, the less you aim. And the less you aim, the more likely it is that you’ll accidentally hit someone in the head, replacing their face with pumpkin pie.

It’s a horrible way to go. Victims don’t die automatically, but suffocate on pumpkins guts while running around wildly like a goofball. Usually, they run into traffic. Rarely does a Smashing Pumpkin death supply a corpse clean enough for an open casket. Beware.

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Kid Gangs

Kids may look cute, but in large groups they can be deadly. Halloween exasperates their threat immensely. Not only are they roaming the streets in loosely organized gangs, but they’re hopped up on sugar highs. Even worse, their costumes grant them anonymity, allowing them to act without fear of repercussion.They may only smash your heads with pumpkins. Or perhaps they will force circus peanuts down your throat. The most unlucky victims are stoned to death with popcorn balls. Get them before they get you.

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Life
Because cancer doesn’t care if it’s Halloween or not.

  • http://www.facebook.com/bekki.leibert Bekki Leibert

    I absolutely love this!! So many things you never really think about….Monster Apocalypse and Michael Myers being my favorites. Happy Halloween!!!!!

  • Dr_Loomis

    LOL…of all the Michael Myers pictures you could have used, you picked one from Halloween 5? :(

    • Evan Saathoff

      You don’t find that picture kind of funny?

      • Dr_Loomis

        No, not really.

  • Milk

    Halloween month is best month. Props for using a still from Trick’r Treat.

  • crow454

    Glad some people found merit to this. I thought it was pointless. If it had been grounded in Halloween movies or lore it might have made sense, but I still wouldn’t have found it funny because, well, its just not. Wonder if you thought anyone might find offense in “Wacko Christians” (and Red State was based on Baptists, who not all are Christians, and had nothing to do with Halloween), and “life/cancer”…how is that funny…oh wait, your generation considers shocking/harsh/cruel/irreverant to equal ‘funny’. Sad.

    • Evan Saathoff

      Baptists aren’t Christians?

  • crow454

    Nope. Many Baptists want to distance themselves and not be under the umbrella, and many Christians do not recognize Baptists as Christians. Many Baptists were baptized to enter into the Baptist congregation, not to enter into Christ. They did it to obey the Baptist conventions, not to obey the command of Christ. “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit” (Matthew 28:19). Their baptism made them Baptists but not Christians. For the record, I am neither and have no time for organized religion, but respect my fellow man who does; I just don’t want to hear about it. This is more about responsible journalism. The fact that you singled out one religious group and presented them in a derogatory light on a widespread public forum accessible to all walks of life could be construed as irresponsible and bordering on Hate towards a group. It would have been a safer bet to make a broader statement such as “Religious Zealots”. Still not funny, but safer. About as funny as cancer.

    • Evan Saathoff

      Joke writing isn’t journalism.

      • crow454

        You can say that again. Ultimately its BDs call seeing as you represent their site, once called a News site. If they are cool with one of their writers singling out and maligning a religious group, and want to be known for and associated with that, that’s their and their lawyers problem. Ah the internet, giving a widespread voice to everyone. Joke writing? Aren’t jokes supposed to be funny?

  • TheZombieLovers

    Ha! The monster apocalypse is brilliant! I bet a fair amount of zombies will turn up~ maybe then there will also be a zombie apocalypse ;) but by the way, I guess I’ll remain human during the monster apocalypse. Won’t be joining any costume party. tssk :[

  • deandean1990

    Never know when Michael Jackson could pop of a bush and abduct a trick r treater either. He dosent want the candy, just the youth soul.