Movie commercials offer us a great service; they not only show us which upcoming movies look good, but also which ones to avoid. And if one looks closely, they often reveal more than intended about the film in question. In honor of this profound art, I give you TRAILER TRACKS, an examination of upcoming movie commercials: What they say, what they don’t say, and what they say on accident about the product being sold to you, the excited chump.
Silent Hill: Revelation 3D (Dir. Michael J. Bassett)
For those who don’t know, Silent Hill is a place where everything is misty and broken and gross. It is filled with weird, contorted versions of people who want to kill you. Then, a siren goes off and it gets worse. Instead of being misty, everything loses its paint and lots of stuff turns into chains. All the weird contorted bad guys are still there, but now in greater numbers. And they’re led by a guy with a Cloud Strife-sized sword and a triangle for a face.
We automatically find a ton of stuff to sort through and establish here, as the offered trailer information regarding the first film seems a bit off. Most notably, the last film ended with the heroic mother and daughter team living with ineffectual Sean Bean through some kind of out-of-sync parellel dimension which let them see but not interact with him, like they were damned from our reality.
Now we inexplicably have Sean Bean as a single father to Fake Carey Mulligan, who we assume is the girl from Silent Hill part 1. The mom’s just not around. We learn that they’ve been running from something for six years (First film — 2006; Second film — 2012). So the continuity exists somewhere between the first Silent Hill movie and a complete reboot. I doubt this is an oversight. Reality warping events are afoot.
Because they’ve been running for six years (from what, we don’t know), Fake Carey Mulligan seems a bit odd. At first she’s tortured and prickly and defensive, but then we also see her at school over-sharing her family’s weird story. She doesn’t resemble the little girl from the first film, but that could just be hair dye. Ironically, she does resemble her mother from the first film (as well as Carey Mulligan). That might not be an oversight either. In any case, she’s being haunted by Silent Hill nightmares.
This is the other part I don’t understand. According to what we see, Silent Hill wants Fake Carey Mulligan to come back for some reason. But that doesn’t appear to be much of an issue since we see Silent Hill manifest itself all around her at school. So why does she need to go anywhere? Maybe only the wimpy Silent Hill can do that, and she must go to the actual town to get the “Winter is Coming” version.
Obviously, she doesn’t want to go to Silent Hill since it’s kind of a crappy town and she may or may not have bad memories of the time she may or may not have visited it as a child. So Silent Hill fights back by kidnapping all the men in her life. This would be a good time to point out that not only does this girl have Eddard Stark for a father but John Snow for a boyfriend. Game of Thrones clearly emerges as an accidental theme. Maybe if we’re lucky, every time Silent Hill turns into worse Silent Hill someone will scream “Winter is Coming” and then get their head cut off.
With her fellas kidnapped, Fake Carey Mulligan has no choice but to return to the warm embrace of Silent Hill. If we’re lucky this will happen at the film’s twenty minute mark. But when are we ever lucky? The first film was overlong and ponderous; it stands to reason this one will be overlong and ponderous as well. I’m calling it at the one hour mark instead.
Despite all the wacky sequel/non-sequel stuff going on, we still have Deborah Kara Unger as the creepy old Silent Hill lady who warns people of things right when it’s too late to warn people of things. She mentions that Fake Carey Mulligan has the power to kill some demon, so clearly she has some unique power and connection to Silent Hill’s weirdness. That makes sense, if anything makes sense. Wasn’t she just the figment of a murdered little girl’s imagination or something in the first film? And didn’t the tortured little girl also invent Silent Hill? It looks more and more like this will be a battle between two things that only exist in some poor kid’s comatose brain. I guess I really don’t care, so long as Fake Carey Mulligan fights Triangle Face.
There’s no indication whether the crazy religious people from the first film will affect the plot, thankfully. The whole thing seems a bit loaded already: We know Fake Carey Mulligan is going to visit Silent Hill. We know she’s going to run away from monsters. We know she’s going to get and likely ignore advice from Deborah Kara Unger. We know she’s going to try to save her dad. We know she’s going to try to save her boyfriend. Hopefully, we know she’s going to fight Triangle Head. And that’s after all the opening stuff. If much else happens, they’ll have to turn this into two films each with extended home video cuts.
My prediction: Fake Carey Mulligan defeats Triangle Face but only by unleashing the T-Virus. Just before succumbing, she is saved by Milla Jovinavinavinavich. Thus, Silent Hill and Resident Evil coalesce into one giant meaningless, continuity-free franchise.
I’m seeing the hell out of this. I found the first film bad but refreshingly perplexing. The monsters look awesome. And I love how little I understand of this trailer. This movie may be totally stupid and awful, but it does not seem short of wacky ambition, and I always applaud that.