A Werewolf Boy (Dir. Jo Sung-hee)
You may think this looks like a Twilight rip-off, but it’s easy to mistake most Asian cinema that isn’t focused on martial arts, gangsters, and vengeance as derivative of Twilight when in fact, they’ve been making crappy melodramas for decades. This one just looks particularly stupid.
So there’s this girl who lives out on a farm. Given the rural nature of her living space, she’s often in direct contact with all sorts of cute woodland creatures. Like a Korean Cinderella, the girl’s constantly surrounded by birds and squirrels and wolverines who help her get dressed and bake cakes with her and stuff like that. She probably has mild rabies.
Soon, the girl discovers that the cutest woodland creature of all is the A Werewolf Boy. The A Werewolf Boy is a boy who was raised by wolves to be A Werewolf Boy, but then he become such a good A Werewolf Boy that he overcame and ate his werewolf family. When the girl first meets the A Werewolf Boy, he’s covered in dirty and vomit and his skin looks like it has been rubbed off with sandpaper. So of course she feels sorry for him, and they have sex. (It’s okay because they both have rabies already.)
The girl decides that it’s her job to turn the A Werewolf Boy into an A BOY, so she puts clothes on him and teaches him how to use an abacus and comb his hair like an emo butthole. Before long they fall in love, which is weird for her. She doesn’t know how it all works, but she worries that if she gets married to an A Werewolf Boy it’ll literally turn her into a bitch.
Regular people don’t like A Werewolf BoyS because their animal instinct and strength tends to make real manly men look like Don Knotts. This prejudice is extremely strong in Asia, where guys will eat shark fins and suck milk from cow testicles just to prove that their wieners work.
On top of that, the only people who don’t want to kill the A Werewolf Boy on sight are scientists who want to kidnap him for study in labs. Soon the girl realizes that the only way to truly love the A Werewolf Boy is to set him free. But that’s not as easy as it looks. The A Werewolf Boy has feelings for her too and refuses to abandon her side. So, like John Lithgow in Harry and the Hendersons, she has to be super mean to A Werewolf Boy to make him think she hates him. It’s all very sad. But probably not as sad as it was in Harry in the Hendersons.
Love is so awful! How can she have her A Werewolf Boy without risking his death? What will her mother and father think of their forbidden love? Will he ever learn to eat without smacking his stupid lips like a dog? And seriously: If they get married does that means she becomes a bitch?
Regardless of what happens, the A Werewolf Boy is at some point going to have to turn into a werewolf and eat some people, maybe all the people. That much is given. If you go see this movie, and the A Werewolf Boy doesn’t eat anyone, you should try to get your money back. We’ve all had enough of neutered monsters in love on this side of the pond, thank you very much. It’s okay to ripoff Twilight, but not that part.
So let’s say the girl gets back together with the boy and they make a stand against the world. It will be bloody, but he’s a freaking A Werewolf Boy. Surely he can make short work of some dumb farmers and scientists.
With most of Korea murdered between his A Werewolf Boy jaws, the girl and her A Werewolf Boy can finally make a new start. But no nation on Earth will take him since he just ate a whole half-country. So the girl and her A Werewolf Boy turn to the stars instead, joining the Klingon Empire after a brief immigration test (battle to the death). The A Werewolf Boy never becomes a full human. But he makes a surprisingly great Klingon, known to all as A WEREWORF BOY.
Congratulations. You just read the longest set up to the lamest punchline in Internet history.
If everything I just said actually happens in the film, then it’s must-see material. A Korean riff on Twilight that crosses over into the Star Trek Universe should make just under $27 billion dollars just at my house alone. But you know that won’t be the film’s outcome. The best we can hope for is an ending where the A Werewolf Boy accidentally eats the girls face off.
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