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5 Horror Cereals From The Past!!!

I hate cereal. I hate it when people eat cereal in movies, I hate how some long-haired dude in a bathrobe eating a bowl of cereal became shorthand for “cool slacker guy” in every f*cking movie since 1994. The only person who got away with this was Quentin Tarantino, since he basically started it Pulp Fiction. When I think of Kevin Smith movies, I think of people eating cereal whether it happens in them or not.

Caveat, I have recently started eating cereal, because I have discovered Almond Milk and I like to eat light, healthy grainy sh*t for breakfast during the weekdays. Without Almond Milk, I would have never started, because it’s gross to pour actual cow’s milk over empty calories and watch the whole thing turn into some disgusting sludge. Also, a lot of my feelings about cereal can be traced back to that time I watched The Toxic Avenger on cable in the 5th grade while eating Life Cereal. When they ran over that biker kid’s head with the car and took pictures of his brains… I looked down at my bowl of cereal in what might have been the worst accidental match cut in history. So maybe that’s why I hate cereal…

Anyway, you might remember some of these horror movie related cereals from back in the day when marketing held some sway over you by putting your favorite franchises on a box. Head inside for 5 Horror Cereals From The Past!!!

Innocuous enough (unless you look at the ingredients, I imagine), I like how the Stay Puft Marshmallow man offers a thematic bridge from film to breakfast table. Plus? Free frisbee if you got lucky! Burn off those calories!

I guess this only ties in in the sense that Dinosaurs historically loved marshmallows. No? Well, at least the marshmallows are shaped like dinosaurs. Plus, there’s a chance the box might ROAR!! Kinda like your old Frankenhooker VHS. “Wanna Date?”

I can’t quite make out what that advertising plan on the right panel says, but I imagine it’s diabolical. I wouldn’t eat this cereal because I imagine it’s boring. However, if you put Addams Family Values cereal in front of me, I’d give it a shot assuming it fixes any problems the original cereal might have had.

Even the “title rights challenged” Ghostbusters TV Show had its own line of cereal. I bet this one was full of substitute ingredients that could never match the superior, early cereal.

Okay, it’s not from a movie. But it advertises that it will turn your milk green. It literally uses this as a selling point. More terrifying than A Serbian Film.




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