By Zena S. Dixon.
With Thanksgiving right around the corner, we all know what that means! Time to give thanks? No! It’s time to beware of cannibals! In the world of horror the most appropriate thing to do around Thanksgiving is to prepare a guest list of whom to not to invite–for obvious reasons. And I just don’t just mean your Aunt with the high socks who talks too loud and smells like canned milk, or even your bald spotting Uncle who is missing a tooth and often whistles when he talks. No, no, this list is more in depth and could possibly save your life as well as others.
Hopefully with this list, you’ll be able to look at the traits of these individuals and know who to avoid, specifically around this feast eating time!
Yes, this movie was just plain terrible, but that’s not the reason why Gregory made the list. Truthfully, Gregory wasn’t a cannibal, he just killed people and put pieces of their bodies in the ice cream he’d serve to people. But that’s not the reason I refuse to give him an invitation.
No, I do not want him and his diastema smile, huge owl eyes, and masturbating hands passing me the mashed potatoes. I wouldn’t even want to touch anything he made. You and your butter brickel can get out and go back to your filthy ice cream truck, Mr. Gregory.
Although Ice Cream Man was a horrible movie with horrible acting, I often wonder if the movie was based off of Clinton Howard’s real life. The mysteries of life…
I know it’s the season of giving, sharing and what not, especially to those who are less fortunate than us. So, if you don’t know what a C.H.U.D. stands for, allow me to share it with you: cannibalistic humanoid, underground, dwellers who eat people. Still not too sure if you know or seen any C.H.U.D.s? Well, how about this. BUMS; bums who have been infected by toxic waste and ultimately mutated. Your local bum could eat you. So beware!
Well…I saw the way she chomped down on her Dad for not getting her way. What if during dinner we run out of gravy? I don’t want to get chomped down on…nor do any of my guest.
I somewhat understand how these three cannibalistic mountain men act when people aren’t trespassing on their property, but I couldn’t imagine being invited to their dinner gatherings. I’m sure everyone would lose their appetite when around these three, not because of their disfigured faces, but for the middle one’s annoying laughter.
It’s really too bad that this family is twisted and are cannibals because they seem like they would actually be a lot of fun to be around…minus the violent murdering of course! They could definitely improve the dining atmosphere by shutting your loud Aunt up!
Sure, they look like a normal family but don’t fooled! It’s always the normal ones that trick you. I wouldn’t want these parents around my parents because I don’t want my parents converted to cannibals!
And, I definitely wouldn’t want any of their tin foiled wrapped meals.
It’s unfortunate that I can’t invite the attractive, charming, talented ‘God sent’ of a plastic surgeon Dr. Kotorida to be the eye candy of the night. Then again, at least I won’t have to worry about him seducing the women guest or trying to massage them with baking oil.
Even if he was invited, I doubt he would come anyway, sex and death is not on the menu.
These wild natives clearly knew how to enjoy a meal with each other, smiling and staring at each other. Sure that’s nice, but not while they were enjoying people’s entrails. This wild bunch isn’t invited because I don’t want my guest to go to the bathroom and never return. These animalistic guys may even hide under the table and attack anyone who isn’t them.
Either way, they’re definitely not coming.
Yep, the whole cast. No, not everyone in this film was a cannibal, but this was one the most disturbing films I’ve ever seen. I just want to enjoy the evening and not be disturbed…is that too much to ask?
Who would have made your list?
Originally published November 4, 2013