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Coroner’s Van Malfunctions, Jettisons Corpse Onto Busy Road

Picture this: It’s a Friday. You’re on your lunch break. It’s a gorgeous day, with an ideal combination of ample sunlight that’s kept cool by a continuous breeze. You’re in your car, the windows are rolled down, and you’re bobbing your head to your favorite tunes. Maybe you took a detour at a Starbucks and are sipping on a venti vanilla bean frappuccino, maybe you didn’t.

Everything’s perfect, the weekend is just around the corner. Then, without warning, a corpse strapped to a gurney is jettisoned from the big white van in front of you.

Even though you’re in mid sip, struggling to evade the chunk of ice that’s trying its best to keep your straw from delivering that delicious Starbucks nectar to your eager tummy — because even the all-knowing Starbucks baristas make mistakes — you narrowly escape the gurney and the expired human that’s strapped to it.

“Phew, that was close” you say to yourself. Then, a dragon- err, no, this isn’t storytime.

Flourishes aside, this exact scenario was experienced by some folks on a busy Pennsylvania road this past Friday when the rear doors on a coroner’s van malfunctioned, releasing its macabre contents onto the road.

According to the Bucks County Courier Times, this happened next to a shopping mall, making it very possible that one or more of the unsuspecting drivers behind the van had stopped at Starbucks.

Plenty of passersby saw it happen, including Jerry Bradley, who posted on his Facebook, saying “Just when I thought I’ve seen everything. That’s a dead body on a stretcher that launched out of the back of a coroner’s vehicle in Feasterville.”

Now, because I’m strange and have a coffee-obsessed gremlin residing in the part of my brain that should house my morality, when I first read this news I immediately thought of how cool it would’ve been to be behind the coroner’s van when it happened.

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