Cheesy martial arts action flicks have always been a staple for B-movie fans. No Retreat, No Surrender, Samurai Cop, Story Of Ricky, the list goes on. I’m not a connoisseur of the genre, but that’s certainly not a barrier to enjoying bad acting, ridiculous plotlines and guys kicking the crap out of each other. Tim Everett & Tom Sartori’s 1984 cult favorite Furious personifies those aspects of cult action flicks, seemingly throwing every wacky idea into a blender and hitting “Purée”. And after years of enjoying its status as a cult favorite that’s been circulated for years on the internet, the film finally gets an official release by Leomark Studios. So just what does a film involving martial arts masters, ninjas and wizards that shoot chickens out of their fingers actually like?

Simon (Simon Rhee) is a martial arts teacher who lives in a hut in the woods. When his sister Kim Lee (Arlene Montano) is killed, Simon, after receiving instruction from his sensei, Master Chan (Phillip Rhee), embarks on a journey of investigation and discovery. Retrieval of four pieces of an ancient medallion, betrayal, talking pigs, astral planes, New Wave band members and more await.

If that premise made any sense to you, congratulations. Because I’m not even sure it made sense to Tim Everitt and Tom Sartori, who also wrote this film in addition to directing it. The whole film is a mad libs of a script. For example, the film begins with Kim Lee being pursued by mountain men doing their best Bob & Doug McKenzie routine. Turns out that they’re after Kim Lee for a horn that doubles as a compass. When they corner Kim Lee on top of a mountain, they’re at first dispatched by shuriken to the ass and bo staff, but they end up overpowering her and claiming the horn. After the introduction of Simon (who somehow already knows of Kim Lee’s fate), one of these same mountain men shows up at Simon’s hut, kicks Simon’s dog(?!), gives him a card and leaves. This prompts Simon to head into the city(??) to meet up with his brother, whose dojo is in a skyscraper guarded by members of Devo.

Yep.

It gets better, as it really seems like every scrap of film that was shot during the production of Furious was used, even if the shot didn’t make sense. You literally have Simon battling generic bad guys outside of an office building one moment, running away when reinforcements arrive in hot pursuit, and in the next scene we’re in the middle of the woods as if they just instantly travelled 50 miles out of the city. You also have moments such as Simon and his friends (who initially greet Simon by starting a fight with him) going to a restaurant, only to instantly be thrust into another battle where live chickens are used as weapons. “Quick, we need a shot of introspection!” “Put this Buddha statue on a rock! We’ll have it speak to Simon!” “We need a shot of someone warning Simon of Master Chan’s evil.” “Have one of the bad guys turn into a talking pig.” To say that continuity and reason go out the window with Furious is an understatement.

Predictably, the acting quality is abysmal. Even if we don’t get our first real dialogue until twelve minutes into the film (in the form of Master Chan saying “All riiiiiight!”), that doesn’t stop Simon and pals from being wooden and awkward. But you’re probably asking yourself, “Surely the fighting must be better, and the obvious highlight of the film”. Unfortunately, despite having a few well-choreographed fight scenes, the rest of them suffer from poor timing and botched moves. Even then, the better choreographed fights still suffer from those same problems, but in a less-apparent way. We also get some bad stunts and lame effects, just to cover all the bases.

Look, anyone reading this far knows that Furious is a bad film. Hell, the fans who have been circulating the bootlegs for years knew this. It’s glorified Mystery Science Theatre 3000 material. It’s B-movie cheese that you and your friends laugh at while you get drunk. Its nonsensical and ridiculous plot, terrible acting and badly-scripted fight scenes are ripe for riffing. The entertainment value on that alone makes it a recommendation. Anyone looking for anything else will be sorely let down and outright confused at what they’re watching.