My love of B-Movies has a limit. I’m not a fan of many of the more recent offerings in the category, mainly perpetrated by SyFy. There’s just something about these films that to me, conjures pain. Whether they’re purposely self-aware to the point of annoyance, or the purposeful use of cheesy CGI that makes the whole thing unfunny, it’s like directors have forgotten that fine line that classic B-Movies were seemingly able to tread so well. Courtesy of FrightFest Presents, we have Isaac Gabaeff’s The Sand. I’m not going to sugarcoat this, but five minutes in, once the dubstep kicked in, I started having rather ominous thoughts about this film.

During an all-night beach party full of twentysomethings, two kids find a mysterious, slime-covered object and roll it onto the shore near a bonfire to show it off. It’s quickly forgotten about, and they all go back to partying. In the morning, a group of eight wake up to the realization that something’s wrong. The entire beach is deserted, save for piles of clothes, and only they remain. After two of them become stuck when they step onto the sand and are violently dissolved, the remaining kids must find a way to escape the beach.

Admittedly, the premise is goofy, but that’s supposed to be part of the charm. Credit to writers Alex Greenfield and Ben Powell for taking such a goofy idea and running with it. It’s obvious that the film isn’t meant to be taken seriously when the crux of the film is revealed in such ridiculous fashion within the first five minutes. Coupled with the other B-Movie cliches (the standard horror character cliches, the cheesy dialogue, the at-times overly dramatic music, the obvious use of shots to avoid showing the use of CGI), those who enjoyed films like Sharknado or Sharktopus will feel right at home.

The biggest plus for the film are the effects. Obviously, the over-reliance on cheap CGI is annoying in films like these (as is the over-reliance on CGI, in general), but somewhat forgiven when you see the first kills, which are actually quite well done and admittedly pretty disturbing. Having hundreds of tiny hairs (or cilia, if you want to look smarter) reaching up and eating away at your face isn’t something you normally enjoy seeing, let alone experiencing. The monster’s final form is admittedly spoiled by the onesheet, but it still looks quite good, and did provide a bit of tension during the film’s climax.

I’ve been writing all of this through gritted teeth, however. I have to be honest: the film just wasn’t my thing. I hated Sharktopus. I hated Sharknado. Yet that’s what I’m immediately reminded of with The Sand. Apart from Brooke Butler’s performance as Kaylee and Meagan Holder as Chanda, I found most of the cast to be off-putting. Part of the problem was the awful dialogue that they were spitting out, and the other part was the overwrought acting (Nikki Leigh made me want to throw my TV across the room with her painfully overly-dramatic cries of “Baby!” at the start). I felt bad for Cleo Berry as Gilbert, who gets stuck being the stereotypical fat guy role, and is relegated to being stuck in a barrel for much of his screentime. The only “big name” in this film is Jamie Kennedy, whose cameo as Beach Patrolman Alex, in typical asshole cop mode, is wasted and comes off as needless and throwaway. Topping things off is the 85-minute runtime that again, unless you’re into this type of film, feels like a concept stretched far too thin.

I know that there will be those who say that I took The Sand far too seriously, or that I have no sense of humour, that I suck at reviews, blah, blah, blah. Really, it’s just my own useless opinion. If you like these types of films, that’s great! That’s the beauty of the medium, as there will always be those who like a certain type of film as opposed to another type. It would honestly suck if everyone liked the same type of movie with no complaints. If you liked Sharktopus, then you’ll enjoy this one. It has the same feel and humour, with an imaginative monster and some pretty cheesy CGI gore effects. For those who don’t like SyFy’s brand of B-Movie, you’re not going to find much in The Sand to entertain you.