First Ever Review: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer’

Today we added the first ever review for Sony’s I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer, or as we like to call it “IAKWYDLS”. The film, which stars K.C. Clyde, Torrey DeVitto, Ben Easter, Star LaPoint, Brooke Nevin, Seth Packard, David Paetkau and Don Shanks, will go direct-to-video on October 31st, 2006. Inside you’ll find your first look at the film from director Sylvain White (not Damon Santostefano, which was previously reported)…
I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
By Straighttovideo

It’s odd to me writing a review of the new Sony Home Entertainment picture, I Know What You Did Last Summer part 3 mainly because that isn’t the title. The invite said it was, but the screen showed “I Will Always Know What You Did Last Summer” and IMDB has the film under the slightly less clunky sounding “I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer”. I almost feel bad about writing a review for a film the title of which I’m not quite sure.

Quick history lesson; about 8 years ago, Jennifer Love Hewitt starred in a lackluster little horror film called “I Know What You Did Last Summer” (with the nifty little abbreviation “IKWYDLS”, catchy, isn’t it) alongside Freddie Prize Jr. the movie went on to gross over 70 million in theaters. She redeemed herself with work in the amazingly rewatchable “Can’t Hardly Wait” while Freddie Prize Jr. made “Wing Commander”. A few years later, “I Still Know What You Did Last Summer” appeared on the scene. No one really liked it, and it didn’t make too much money, so the series seemed all but dead.

But this is 2005 people! We’re remaking movies while the original director is still alive! It’s obviously time for a third venture into the “I Know” universe. Oddly, this film has absolutely nothing to do with the first two, except that the middle of it plays like a high school play version of the original, and I’m not talking about a high school of performing arts play either. The film starts out with five friends, we know they’re friends because they’re all hanging on each others arms and laughing and taking photos and apparently tripping on acid (at least, that’s what the editing lead me to believe) at the county fair. Everything is very loud, and the colors are all over saturated. We get quick cuts and random tidbits of visuals that look like someone just tied the camera to a rope and swung it around in circles.

Then the movie makes its best decision- the fisherman is just a legend in this film (which makes the idea of a fisherman stalking around in Colorado slightly less silly), taking a page from the often maligned ‘Urban Legend’ series (note: Ironically, the Killer in this movie also starred in Urban Legends 3). The friends board a ferries wheel and tell the story of the fisherman, which comes off as a remarkably boring ghost story. After the get off the ride, the fisherman shows up. People run away as they don’t know what to do when a man wielding a giant hook is chasing them. Only here, one kid runs away… on his skateboard. Then he decides to hide on the roof of the three-story parking structure in the middle of the Colorado wastelands. The fisherman finds him, but the resourceful young lad escapes by riding his skateboard down the side of the concrete barrier, doing some ‘phat’ tricks along the way.

But, not all is as it seems, which is always how it seems to be in this type of movie. The fisherman was just one of the friends dressed up and everyone saw their friend pull his phat skateboarding move. Unfortunately, instead of landing, their friend was impaled on some kind of large metal pole and now because his father is the police chief they have to hide the evidence or go to jail forever.

A year passes, and the friends don’t hang out anymore. Things are going well for some, and poorly for others. Some got dumped, some become manic depressives; you know, the usual post high school stuff. They’re all back in town and meet up again when someone starts sending them threatening…text messages; 50 of them saying ‘I know what you did last summer’, a phrase which is spoken much too often during the film, to hilarious effect.

Soon, people start dying, friendships are torn apart and the whole thing comes to a climax that couldn’t have made less sense if it turned out that Jennifer Love Hewitt was actually the killer. I won’t spoil the ending for you, but let me just say, that it was a gut buster.

The editing in this film is ridiculous. Every three minutes there is a loud jump noise. It’s worse than ‘Boogeyman’ in that respect. Even scene transitions have loud crashing noises. We go for character talking to each other and smash cut to…nature imagery. Unfortunately, the nature pictures serve no plot point and take up about 10 minutes of screen time, and aren’t very interesting to look at. The colors are all washed out and over exposed too, which doesn’t help anything.

Luckily, the movie was nice and bloody. A veritable ‘goregasm’ as my friend calls it. By far the bloodiest of the three and I appreciated that. The movies one saving grace is that the gore level in it is just wonderful. And all done with prosthetics, no CGI gore. The characters are totally unlikable, so, when they die, you don’t feel sad for them. And the plot contrivances plod along making you laugh.

Overall, it’s an amusing diversion. It had the audience in stitches the whole way through (intentionally and otherwise) and features the line “you’re lucky you have a chainsaw, dush!”, which I think sums up the movie pretty well. If you laugh at that, you’ll probably enjoy the film. If not…you probably don’t enjoy cheesy fun anyway, in which case I don’t know why you bothered reading this at all.

3/10 as a movie
7/10 as pure entertainment