One Hell Of A Christmas

I finally forced myself to sit though One Hell of a Christmas. If you didn’t already know, it’s the latest in the line of crappy Fangoria Presents films. Let me begin by stating; do not waste your time or money on this garbage. Fangoria has a perfect track record of creating the worst movies ever captured on film, and this flick is no exception. Any film directed by a man named Shaky Gonzalez should immediately set off the “suck” flag in your head. I will summarize the entire movie to spare you nice people the pain and agony of witnessing it for yourselves. My recap will cure any temptation you may have to actually see it on your own.

The movie itself is filmed like a 1970’s cheap porno. It is very grainy, snowy, and dark. Why anyone would want to intentionally shoot a film in this manner is beyond me. Although it’s a DVD, it has the look and feel of a 12th generation VHS tape.

It begins with some fat man, who is never explained, entering a room with another character, who is never explained, and he’s attempting to sell him some “magical” item. It looks like a black terd, and it’s not explained until the end that it is an evil fingernail. The man buys it and pays $15,000. We now cut away to a man named Carlitos getting out of jail. He’s thrilled to be getting out, and wants nothing more than to see his son. He is supposed to get picked up by one of his hoodlum friends, but instead his friend is at the home of the unknown man who bought the “evil” fingernail. The fat man returns and is begging the man to sell back the fingernail, he claims he wasn’t suppose to sell it and his master is mad. He refuses, the master shows up, and starts killing everyone. In the middle of the ruckus, the fingernail falls onto the ground and Carlitos’s hoodlum friend, Mike, picks up the nail and runs down the back steps.

Mike runs to Carlitos’s house and tells him about the “magical” fingernail he stole. He explains that on his way over, he was attacked by thugs he owed money to. Luckily, he tapped the fingernail against his hand and black powder emerged, so he snorted it up his nose. The black powder gave him super strength and he beat the crap out of the thugs. They decide to celebrate by calling a hooker. He taps the fingernail on the table, and all 3 of them begin to snort the black powder and have sex. During sex, Carlitos strangles the hooker to death by accident and they bury her in the backyard. Mike leaves (to secretly have sex with Carlitos estranged wife, and leaves the fingernail in his possession).

Once in the house alone, the evil fingernail begins to work it’s spell. The hooker comes back from the dead and attacks him. Next, a giant stuffed animal comes to life. The stuffed evil animal begins beating the shit out of him. It is so ridiculous I can’t find the words to express just how lame it is. It punches him in the face in stop motion and tugs on his ears and nose (don’t ask). He smacks the animal and yells “just give me back the claw you furry bitch”. All of a sudden some crappy looking old west sheriff shows up. He says “this house ain’t big enough for the both of us”. Carlitos responds “aren’t you supposed to be the good guy?” The evil sheriff responds “do I look like a good guy to you, draw!” Carlitos defeats the zombie hooker, the possessed stuffed animal, and finally the evil zombie sheriff. I’m not making this crap up.

Finally the head honcho bad guy shows up. His arrives with a little furry creature that appears to be a hand puppet with a cardboard face. It looks like a Hobgoblin/Ghoulie. The man takes back his evil fingernail and tries to kill Carlitos. But, here comes the hoodlum friend Mike to save the day. He spares Carlitos and takes Mike (since he originally stole the nail) instead. Next thing you know Carlitos hears a scream from the toilet, runs over to investigate, and sees Mike’s arm sticking out of the bowl screaming for help (I swear). He tries to pull him out, but instead gets pulled into the toilet bowl which is a doorway to hell. It turns into a cheap knockoff of Hellraiser. It’s just a plain hallway with cell doors, and Mike is chained to the walls being pulled on by the hand puppet Hobgoblin. The evil man says your friend is not worth saving, he’s been having an affair with your wife. Carlitos get’s pissed and let’s go of Mike’s hand and he’s dragged away to the darkness. Carlitos wakes up, and it appears it was all just a dream. His wife and kid show up, everything is happy, and good wins…until the eyes on the stuffed animal open! THE END.

This film could only be created by Fangoria. No other self respecting magazine would ever attach their name to it. The editor of Fangoria recently stated that he hand picks the films. It’s amazing that a magazine who covered horror films for 24 years still doesn’t know crap about good horror. Not only is this movie bad, but all known copies should be destroyed. The makeup effects in the film appear to have been done by dropouts from the Tom Savini makeup school. You can buy the same prosthetics at any Halloween store for a 2 bucks. This movie has exactly zero redeeming qualities. Avoid it at all costs. You have been warned.

Official Score