Alien vs Predator

11 years of excitement and anticipation thrown down the drain…

Don’t just blame Paul W.S. Anderson, blame Fox- and after you see Alien vs Predator, email them both a big f*ck you! In the tradition of the great Arrow in the Head, here’s my big F you to Fox and Paul Anderson. It’s three in the morning and I’m freaking tired- but AvP pissed me off so bad, I have to write a review. Beware, this is the first review I’ve ever written that contains spoilers- but who cares, the film sucks anyways. So why am I so pissed off? I want to know what in gods name Fox was thinking when then gave the green-light to the piece of sh!t script written by Paul W.S. Anderson. Well, instead of me crying and ranting like a fool, let me explain everything in a more organized fashion.

What pissed me off part 1. Fox and their little money grubbing fingers. I was the one saying, “don’t worry about it being rated PG-13,” there have been plenty of good movies with weak ratings, such as Poltergeist, which was rated PG. AvP being rated PG-13 was not because they didn’t need the gore, it’s rated PG-13 because they cut away from everything so they could sell more tickets. I’m sitting in a theater with 300 other adults and we have Fox and Paul Anderson cutting away from nearly every single kill. Am I two? It’s a f*cking Alien and Predator movie! I want blood, I want guts, I want kill after kill- and I didn’t get what I wanted- no one did. What really makes the matter worse is you know damn well that Fox will release the “uncut director’s edition” this December in order to get all the saps who wasted their $10 the first time to buy it and watch it again. I know it’s a business, but don’t treat us like we’re fools, we’re smarter than that.

What pissed me off part 2. Paul W.S. Anderson’s conclusion to the film. Before I go off and scream and bitch and moan, I’d just like to point out that the character development was really well done and Paul’s directing job was also fantastic. The idea behind AvP is great, and it works within the past films stories. But I don’t like the direction Anderson took. Basically the Predators come to Earth for a ceremony to hunt and kill Aliens in a pyramid in the middle of Antarctica. The humans are tricked into coming so the Aliens can fill their bodies and produce to get ready for the big battle. Everything is set up accordingly and it looks like it might actually be one hell of a good time. That is until the first two (of three) Predator’s are knocked off in minutes, leaving one Predator against 100’s of Aliens. Now here’s the kicker, the humans, after learning everything about the situation within hours of entering the tomb, Sanaa Lathan’s character realizes that the Predators aren’t there to kill them, they are there to kill the Aliens, and she gives her gun up (that was meant for the Predators to find in the tomb) to the Predator to kill the Aliens. After a really terrible fight sequence between the Alien and Predator, Sanaa saves the day and the Predator makes her an honorary member of the Predator clan- you heard me, I’m not freaking joking! Here’s the best part- they run off into the tombs of the pyramid together to fight some Aliens, seriously, it happened! It was hysterical! It gets better, they run into a pit of the Alien “egg carriers” and the Predator sets off a bomb to kill everything in the pyramid. The Predator explains to Sanaa in hand motions that the place is going to blow and they run off together once more to escape the artic blast. The film just gets worse and worse from this point on and more ridiculous looking by the second.

Exploring the mythos of both characters, this is possible, even though it sounds ridiculous. In Predator, Arnold explains that the Predators are only attacking people with weapons and he tells to girl to run off into the woods were she’ll be safe. So the fact that the Predator would NOT harm the girl IS possible, especially since she did kill and Alien and save its life. The only problem is that at the beginning the three Predators slaughter six people outside the pyramid (off camera off course) and according to the mythos the Predators come every 100 years and the humans help with the ritual- so why would they kill everyone? It just didn’t work. When you’re writing a script with both characters and bringing their pasts into it, I don’t give a flying f*ck if you think it would be cool to have the Predator team up with a human- you just don’t do it, especially when your goddamn slogan is “Whoever wins, we lose.” Not only did the film lost its fear element, but also it lost a great character. AvP made the Predators look like pussies- big, fat, slow pussies. They got their asses kicked, and a puny human had to save one of them? The Predators wait 100 years to drop three soldiers into a battlefield where they get beaten in seconds? It makes no sense; once one thing didn’t work everything fell apart.

I can go on and on about how bad this movie ended up, but I’m tired- so let this be your one and only warning- AvP is a piece of crap, a wasted 90 minutes, an insult to the fans, an insult to the younger crowd, a good ol’ bitch slap to the face. I wish I could take every copy of this movie, Paul W.S. Anderson and whoever gave the green to this script and launch it all into space and open the door- so they suffer a painful death.

Official Score