Santa’s Slay (V)

WARNING: This review contains SPOILERS… If you or a loved one does not believe in magical spirit of Christmas, please do not read on!!!

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring except… a 6’4”, 285lb, former NFL player and 5 time WCW and WWF world wrestling title holder Bill Goldberg. Yes… Bill Goldberg… he’s Santa Claus. Yes, I know that Goldberg is Jewish and no I don’t find it ironic.

Oy to the World, Lions Gate is about to deliver the Christmas present that you never wanted. Forget about socks, forget about underwear, like Ferris Bueller once said, “I asked for a car and I got a computer, how’s that for being born under a bad sign?” Brace yourselves because this Ho-Ho-Ho-rrific Ho-liday you and all your burnt-out buddies can spike the Eggnog with gasoline and guzzle down 95 minutes of the most throat slashing, stripper burning, turkey chocking, reindeer exploding yuletide blasphemy ever put on film.

Everybody join in…you know the words…you better watch out, you better not cry, you’re pretty much fucked, and you’re all gonna die!!!

Writer/Director David Steiman makes his film debut after working the past few years as assistant to Director Brett Ratner dares to ask the unthinkable. What if the myth of Santa Claus was perpetrated in order to keep a terrible truth from the world? What if Santa Claus was not the happy spreader of holiday cheer that we all dreamed of as children? What…if… Santa Claus was actually a homicidal maniac and the only son of Satan?

The sad truth is that this film is exactly what you should expect, given the assumption that Steiman has been picking up directing tips from the creatively bankrupt Ratner for the past 5 years.

To be fair, nothing that I say or do should deter you from seeing this movie, because, lets face it, film criticism really has no meaning whatsoever when it comes to a film about a pissed off Santa slayer. So let me take this opportunity to wish you and your undead ones happy horrordays, and have a gruesome New Year! Just remember that you have all been warned.

Official Score