Cheap scares, overzealous, unimaginative, FX heavy and made for teenage girls. That’s the low down on Stephen (Get Carter) Kay’s horror film ‘Boogeyman,’ thus making me even more nervous about Ghost House Pictures’ remake of ‘Evil Dead’.

In Eric Kripke’s story, which was like a “better” attempt at ‘Darkness Falls,’ Tim Jenson (Barry Watson) returns to his childhood home to face the demon known as the Boogeyman who killed his father when his was a child. After 15 years of nightmares and being terrified of closets, the Boogeyman decides it’s time to come back for Tim. After the Boogeyman possibly kills Tim’s mother he leaves to face his fears and see if he’s just crazy.

I know I’m going to get blasted for my opinion of this movie, but it was a mess. Besides the common “how does that make any sense” problems- like the fact that the Boogeyman hasn’t bothered Tim in 15 years and all of a sudden kills his mom- the movie is over shot and quite unconvincing.

I’d say Kay spent nearly one-third of the movie shooting in angles. I often wondered, “is Kay’s left leg shorter than his right?” He also tries extremely hard to be unique with his camera work by swirling it and spinning it during attack sequences. For such a generic idea and overdone plot, it’s funny that he tried to be so inventive.

Sure the dialogue is bad, but how about character relations? Well you’ve got Tim’s girlfriend and she really cares about him. Sure she can get a little insensitive at times, but she’s good at heart and only wants the best for Tim. So when Tim’s childhood ‘female’ friend comes into the picture, there’s a little sexual tension. Will Tim end up with her? Back to his girlfriend, she becomes the “bad guy” girlfriend who the audience is supposed to hate and want to die- only it never transcends to that point. So Tim loses his love and we wonder why that happened and it leaves no room for the relationship between him and his old girlfriend. Complex I know, but you’ll find yourself a little fazed in the theaters I promise.

Bad dialogue and unconvincing characters? No problem, we’ll scare them with sounds! Raimi and co figured the best way to fix a problematic story and terrible film is to fill every single scene with at least on good “jump”. They even sank as low as to have the entire theater go THUMP when Tim dumps some trash into the garbage. Loud sounds don’t make a horror movie good or scary- it’s supposed to be just a device to run with everything else. It’s a team sport damnit- there’s no I in Team!

Kay looks like he may have enjoyed ‘Van Helsing’ a little too much, or maybe Sommer’s ‘The Mummy,’ because the end of this movie was FX heavy. There’s nothing scary about a digital monster screeching and screaming on the big screen. Freddy Krueger was scary- the Boogeyman is not. If I was a FX designer, this movie would be a great reel to show off to producers, but for whoever decided to make the creature digital- they need to be slapped upside the head. Everyone knows digital monster are not cool- and never will be.

Strip away all the bullsh-t and problems ‘Boogeyman’ IS good fun, it’s just a girly film. It’s made for the 13-18 year old teenage girls who like things jumping out of dark corners so they can grab on to their boyfriend who’s snoring next to them. At least you guys know if you bring a lady, you might be getting something out of the $10. I guess everybody wins…

Official Score