One mess deserves another. Below is my insanely boggled mind trying to sort out what I saw about three hours ago. Ed Wood version 2.0, welcome to Hollywood…
The Intro (Going Star Wars):
Before I get knee deep in what could be one of the most argued over films of all time, I’d like to point out that I went into this film with an open mind, knowing that nothing could be worse than Uwe Boll’s ‘House of the Dead.’ Knowing what I was in for single-handedly made the experience more enjoyable and entertaining-but obviously for all the wrong reasons. Before the first image appears on the screen, the entire audience was already laughing so hard you could hear people hyperventilating. True story, no joke. That is how bad ‘Alone in the Dark’ is. The film opens with a scroll explaining the situation. For those of you who don’t know the term ‘Scroll’ think opening of ‘Star Wars.’ As the scroll progresses we are told (with a f—king hilarious voice over) about Bureau 713 (too funny) and about the light and the dark and the evil in the dark blah blah blah. After what felt like 5 minutes, everyone thought the scroll was over and then it continued! People were laughing so hard I wouldn’t doubt milk was shooting from someone’s nose- I lost a tear or two and wish I could have them back.
The Plot (Make it up as we go along):
What happened? Well, there are a few guys who are part of some paranormal investigation unit 713. Stephen Dorff is the new head man of 713 while Christian Slater is an ex-officer trying to figure out why he was attacked by a crazy monster guy. Of course they hate each other. At the same time Slater is dating a museum assistant (Tara Reid) who just so happens to unlock the monsters from the dark on accident. So we think. Her boss is looking for something and is obviously the bad guy. Blah blah blah the evil can’t be unleashed, no way! Slater yells, “Don’t be an idiot, don’t open the door!” Yeah yeah yeah, it’s too late we know. Nothing made sense, and Uwe knowing this, made sure the actors told us EVERYTHING. There was voice over after voice over as Christian Slater, in the midst of getting ready to sleep, explains how they’re after him and there’s nothing he can do about it. Wow. You just have to see it to understand.
The Action (Taking from T3):
Boll tries to lift hot scenes from big movies like a halfway decent cab chase scene early in the film; it was T3 from beginning to end. There are a couple of cool fight scenes and believe it or not there was one scene in particular I thought was hella cool-even though it made no sense whatsoever. All of a sudden the lights are out and the Bureau 713 is shooting like madmen at creatures all around them. The guns firing light up the shot (as Sean Clark calls it ‘Enter Sandmaning the film.) and it looks really neat. Thumbs up for that scene Dr. Boll! But the acting, the dialogue, and the inconsistencies ruin this film beyond redemption.
The Acting/ Dialogue (pt. 1 Careers will Die) (pt. 2 It’s Not Their Fault):
There were three types of actors in ‘Alone’- there was the “Fuck you Boll” actor who did what he wanted and made a good character for himself. There was the “I make up my lines pretty well” actor and then there was the “Uwe just tossed out three pages of the script, now I have to improve?” actors.
Stephen Dorff was the strongest actor in this film, next to that hip manly man John Fallon. Fallon of Arrowinthehead.com had a few speaking lines, which was cool. But his best line was “Shit.” You read his reviews, you get it. Stephen Dorff was pissed during the movie and you can tell he is actually pissed off. He’s fuming, smoke coming out of his ears. You get the feeling he said “Fuck you Uwe, I’m going to try to make this piece of shit better.” It’s too bad because three strikes you’re out Dorff- Alone in the Dark, Cold Creek Manor and FearDotCom being 3 of his last 4 films, it’s over. It’s too bad because he kicks so much ass.
Then there’s Tara Reid, “Uwe just tossed out three pages of the script, now I have to improve?” It was hilarious how she couldn’t act in any of the scenes worth a shite, but when it came to the sex scene (out of nowhere of course) she knew what she was doing! Her lines were easily the worst of the film and she looked like she was coked out from start to finish. Thank God her career is over before it even began. But hey, there’s always Playboy Tara- they airbrush the nipples there…
Then there’s the awesome Christian Slater who hasn’t made a good film since the 1998 film ‘Very Bad Things.’ He played the “I make up my lines pretty well” actor. You could tell he was totally lost in his character and had no clue what in God’s name was going on. He’s thinking, “The sooner I say my lines, the sooner I can go home.” He did pretty well except for this one particular moment. This doctor discovers that there is a little critter attached to Slater’s spine- the same thing that’s attached to the killers. The doctor says, “I wonder why yours didn’t affect you?” Slater says, “I was electrocuted when I was a boy, it must have killed it.” That was easily the climax of the film.
Hand Extended (Ed Wood):
I’d like to congratulate Dr. Uwe Boll for he has accomplished a feat I thought could never be tampered with- he has joined Ed Wood as one of the worst filmmakers of all time. But let’s talk about HOW you achieve that goal. You have to think you’re brilliant, talk like a genius and hype up your stuff so much that when your movie hits theaters people think you’re retarded or just insane- maybe both. But in all honesty, I am excited as all hell for ‘BloodRayne’ because now I know I’m in for a delightful movie going treat only one as “good” as Ed Wood could deliver. Uwe Boll has surpassed the “it’s so bad it’s fun” and created a whole new genre called “an old lady fell and I’m going to laugh at her”. I felt like I was on the street watching 30 people laugh at an old lady who fell on the ground. Just because they’re laughing, it made the situation that much funnier, so I laughed- all we are missing is Dr. Boll laughing at himself then we would be all set…
Shall we all sing together? Shana na na, Shana na na, Hey Hey, Good Bye (to everyone’s career)… Shana na na, Shana na na, Hey Hey, Good Bye-
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