Many times going into a movie you sort of have an “idea” of whether or not it will be good or bad, but sometimes you’ll find that gem you’ve been waiting for… MGM’s BLOOD AND CHOCOLATE ain’t it… in fact this movie was worse than the trailers made it out to be. The film is so incredibly bad that I’m going to tell you the one good thing about the film now, so I can proceed into the depths of negativity. Agnes Bruckner, you rule and you deserve much better.
The story takes place in modern day Bucharest and tells the tale of nineteen-year-old Vivian Gandillon (Agnes Bruckner), who has spent her life on the run from the truth…. that she is a werewolf. When her affections for a visiting American artist threaten to expose her family’s secret society, she must choose between her love for an outsider and betraying the secret vows of her family.
Where to start… oh man where to start… how about with the screenplay by Ehren Kruger (also the producer). I’m a pretty big fan of Kruger, so it kind of boggles my mind that he wrote this screenplay. The mythologies are hilariously retarded and the exposition is way over done, pretty much detailing everything there is to know about the history of these “werewolves” that we don’t care about. He wedges in every single cliché from any cheesy monster movie ever made from “prophecies” to “silver harms the wolves”. Rules are announced at random points throughout the movie and are given as only to try and hold together the mess of a film. I loved when Brucker is stabbed with silver and all of a sudden the silver stays in the blood stream until she takes an “antidote”, which she reminds us she can “only get at night.” Then you have the group of werewolves, who are apparently still as primitive as ever, even though they think they’re the big fish in the sea. These wolves hang out in the forest with each other and go on “hunts” for humans who discover them or screw them over. There’s fire all over the place and everyone bows to the leader like a pansy (you have to see it to understand). It was extremely obvious that the attempt was to make BLOOD AND CHOCOLATE hip, cool, seductive, sexy and mysterious – pretty much INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE, only with werewolves. It was anything but.
Oh and I forgot the best part, the film gets it’s title because Agnes Bruckner’s character works in a chocolate shop… so if she worked in a taco stand would the film have been entitled BLOOD AND TACOS?
Stemming from a laughable screenplay, it didn’t help that Director Katja von Garnier dropped the ball worse that Uwe Boll on a good night. It’s crazy to me that Garnier was supposed to be the “next big thing” in indie filmmaking. Besides the EPIC love montage (with full on cheesy electric guitar music), Garnier manages to completely fill the movie with off the wall comedy such as having the humans transform into wolves while spinning in slow motion through the air, using horrible Michael Jackson THRILLER blur effects (way, way too much – although once is too much if you ask me) and having the characters bounce off walls as they ran through the streets (apparently wolves, dogs and animals of that nature like to bounce off walls). His directing style was erratic and frustrating, often making me question what the hell was going on. I think I said “what?” a good hundred times (with a sarcastic smirk on my face).
In short, there is absolutely nothing remotely interesting or original in this forced adaptation. BLOOD AND CHOCOLATE just don’t mix well, it left a terrible taste in my mouth that I couldn’t rinse out. Avoid at all costs, this could easily be the single worst horror film of 2007 – and we just started the New Year (sigh).