The Breed (V)

First Look Entertainment’s Wes Craven produced horror film THE BREED has vanished off the face of the Earth, which usually means two things… direct-to-video and terrible; but I was willing to give it a chance considering how much coverage we gave the film over the past two years. What I sat through is one of the most hilariously bad horror films in recent years… so bad in fact you HAVE TO see this with a group of drunken obnoxious friends.

The film tells of two brothers, one a highly athletic daredevil and the other a much more serious and sensitive type, who in the midst of trying to patch up their wonky relationship – on a getaway at their Uncle’s house – are forced to flee a pack of vicious killer dogs – the titular ‘Breed’.

I don’t see how this film got greenlit, I really don’t. It’s almost insulting to me that movies like this get made and that people are going to spend their hard earned money to see it. I mean come on, who thought a movie about loud barking, hungry dogs was going to be “scary”. To add insult to injury this script had to have been written by two drunk friends who apparently have never had friends or family relationships… in fact maybe they lived in a cave and learned to write by watching soap operas back in the ‘80s. There’s a line in the movie where one of the characters exclaims, “Usually people who live on the edge like that die young,” to which the other character responds, “Johnny wouldn’t be caught dead dying.” Wow, great use of foreshadowing… so clever. Then there’s the classic, “What’s that smell?” “Well, they marked their territory, we’re trespassing now!” Oh man and then there’s the chick who yells, “You don’t understand, if I break eye contact I lose control!” You go guys, you show us how much you know about dogs! Maybe if you had some “cookies” or “treats” in the movie the dogs wouldn’t have been so angry… or maybe you watched too much DOG WHISPERER and feel like dog experts?

The movie is a laugh fest from start to finish from dogs being tackled, dogs smiling on the ground with barking noises mixed in and Uwe Boll style editing that is sure to have you laughing until you cry. There’s a scene where one of the brothers pulls out an arrow to shoot a dog and the camera spins around him, then freezes to slow motion as he lets go. And I swear to you that the dogs are just playing around having a good time and you can see it! They’re smiling with their tongues out and yet their barking? Get the F out.

I can’t even begin to tell you how idiotic THE BREED is; I hate this movie and condemn it to hell. This is some of the worst storytelling I’ve seen in years mixed with the one of the dumbest ideas of all time. What’s next? THE DEER, or maybe THE ELEPHANTS? Dogs aren’t scary, period, especially when they’re smiling and looking cute half the time. And how can we feel anything towards the characters when you want them all to die. I was rooting for the dumb dogs in this one… and unfortunately all they did was leave a stinking pile of shit for me to pick up. Thanks Wes Craven for another steaming pooper.

Official Score