I’d like to congratulate the Sci-Fi Channel for getting their first feature film in theaters… oh wait, this was a studio film? I just got back from my Christmas screening of 20th Century Fox’s R-rated ALIENS VS PREDATOR: REQUIEM (from now on to be called AVPR), which was sold out and filled with excited fans. After the abysmal AVP I figured nothing could be worse, so I was pretty pumped to give this one a chance. Unfortunately when the film was over I was perplexed at how terrible the film was… it’s almost as if it was done on purpose. How can a movie be this bad – AGAIN?
AVPR begins with a really interesting set up where an Alien pops out of a Predator (and somehow gains a resemblance) and causes the Predator’s ship to crash back to Earth. While back on the Predator’s home planet a new Predator watches the crash footage from a mega-microscope, grabs his gear, puts on his battle helmet and launches off to Earth to clean up the mess – because apparently Predators care if humans know they exist. While he’s attempting to clean up the mess, a town becomes tangled in the web as the Alien outbreak spreads.
Let’s kick off the review with the positive so I can get to the bashing of a lifetime (not that I wanted to). The gore was OK, but not enough for an R-rated film. When it was good there were some really cool shite like a guy skinned alive hanging from a tree and a bunch of heads popped in by Aliens. There was a hilarious sequence where two stoners get their heads blown off and later the lead chick gets canned in the aftermath of a giant blade thrown by the Predator. In addition, there were some great fight scenes between the Predator and Aliens, which was one of the main things missing from AVP. In the first film the Predators were bitches and got their asses handed to them, in AVPr the Predator is a bad ass mofo who kicks the shite out of the Aliens the way they were (trained) supposed to. Beyond this… yikes.
Time to bust out the checklist for “naughty”: The film was loaded with (lame) fake scares, there were too many cutaway kills (it’s rated R God-damnit), it looked incredibly cheap, the acting was laughably bad, the score was hammy (think Jason X), there was ZERO suspense, and the dialogue was so horrid that the entire theater was laughing non-stop. Seriously, the movie ends with a line similar to “The world isnt ready for technology of this world” (while showing a Predator gun in a case); then there was a line where this hot chick takes her clothes off and asks a guy “Are you looking at the clock… or me” (while the clock was in the background); one character exclaims (no joke) “The Army would never lie to us”; a pair of stoners appear in the film for about five minutes to which one character exclaims, “What, are you guys high?”; lastly in one of the final moments of the film the little girl asks her army (Ripley wannabe) mom “Mommy, are the monsters gone?” to which she replies, “Yes honey, they’re gone.” Even more hilarious is that the National Guard always seems to be just a phone call or walkie-talkie away. This is just a taste of how low they go, and if any of you think you can argue FOR this cheese, you’re off your rocker.
And no, Im not finished yet. The cliche characters couldn’t even fill their cliches because they were so f-cking static. All of the teens and adults looked the same age and of the same stature. The only thing that differentiated them were their costumes – like our lead teen is a nerd because he wears a pizza uniform and delivers pizza (wowsers, what a nerd). Even more hilarious is that a lot of the characters looked like stunt doubles for bigger names like Cole Hauser, Naveen Andrews, Sigourney Weaver and others. And don’t even get me started on continuity errors like the Alien acid blood always seems to miss the humans and the baby Aliens popping out of chests way too quickly.
I seriously want you to know that I wanted to like this film and had every intention on having a good ol time at the cinemas. Instead I was jipped, ripped off and had my night stolen from me… but who am I to blame? Fox wouldn’t screen AVPR for critics and we all know what that means. So I’ll leave you all with the exact same thing I gave you in my review of ALIEN VS PREDATOR, one shiny middle finger to Fox for once again kicking me in the stomach and attempting to kill my favorite franchise(s).