|release date||September 27 2005|
|writer||Neil Kinsella, Peter Beckwith|
|starring||Ami Chorlton, Jennifer Reno, Noelle Hill, Harmon Walsh|
Take some really hot hicks with huge fake boobs, some cute guys with no clue, a resort set in the ski summit somewhere in the West, and of course, an alien race extinct since the ice age that exists only to kill, and you get Ice Queen. No, this is no ice skating movie, it’s not a fairy tale, and it doesn’t have anything to do with gay men who are emotionally distant and sexually unavailable. Its pure sci-fi channel cheese with a few moments of sex and some cool miniature sets (plus an avalanche).
The Ice Queen is, of course, a woman who has been frozen for thousands of years, since the last ice age. She gets picked up by a group of feds/scientists/CIA operatives (who knows?) and she gets immediately flown to be studied. Her plane, of course, is hijacked by a terrorist/criminal/CIA operative who wants to sell her to the government for a ransom. All these great plans go awry when the pane, of course, crashes because the Ice Queen comes to life. She then begins a period of random killings and rampaging throughout the small resort that is absolutely pointless and mindlessly fun. The women are stupid, the men have irritating inner monologues, and the Ice Queen herself really isn’t that scary. Somewhere between an alien and a reptile, (and a stripper), the Ice Queen kills people by shoving her fist into their stomachs, and, as if that wasn’t enough, she freezes them from the inside out. Don’t ask me to explain the science to you; I am not sure there is any. It’s something about metabolic rates and core temperatures and adaptations, etc. It’s really vague and I am sure that it makes little or no sense. Suspending our disbelief, however, it’s just about the weirdest thing I’ve seen all week. Usually in these types of films, the woman is a hot young thing with a great body and an age of about 15. No exception here. The Ice Queen is really hot when she’s all thawed out; when she’s frozen, she looks like shit. So for most of the film we have a nasty looking evil bitch chasing people around and killing them brutally.
One thing I don’t understand is how the Ice Queen was found frozen, but she was, well, frozen, and she wasn’t awake. They actually had to bring her body temperature up to get her to hibernate. Why wasn’t she awake all these e years, when her body temperature was freezing?
There are lots of trite sub plots; Johnny cheats on Tori with Elaine, and then they go through lots of jealousy, arguments, and forgiveness, we see these stupid sub lots played out for the requisite happy ending. And of course, we are set up for a sequel.
So many things never get addressed properly that it’s almost laughable. It’s the kind of terribly funny, edge-of-your-seat thriller that I’d like to see Corey Feldman in. It’s a shame, really, that he’s not in it. It’s perfect for him. All that snow, all those cheap models of buildings and avalanches. There’s also some pretty damn good dog acting on the part of Patches the retriever. The slow beginning makes up for what it lacks in plot with sex and mindless teenage slacker partying for a full 15 minutes. There’s topless sex, and hot tubs, and great ”Species” series was a little too high-budgeted for its own good.