Don’t Look Up (remake) (V)

What a mess. The latest effort from Fruit Chan––the dude behind the super-awesome “Dumplings” segment of 3 Extremes––is a baffling cluster-fuck of a movie, about a director attempting to remake a mysterious lost film. At first it wants to be Popcorn. And then it sort of wants to be The Manitou. But in the end, it’s just a whole lotta bullshit.

Beginning with four printed paragraphs detailing a convoluted gypsy legend, Don’t Look Up lost me before the opening credits. What is this 8 minute crawl about, are they recapping the first film in a trilogy? SHOW, don’t TELL, bitches! Apparently a horny gypsy lady made a pact with the gypsy devil to find her a man, but in exchange she has to give birth to a devil baby with a skin membrane wrapped around its face. Or something.

Enter Eli Roth, an old-timey movie director struggling valiantly to maintain both a Romanian accent and a super-gay ‘stache. He’s attempting to film an adaptation of the afore mentioned gypsy legend, but his lead actress vanishes and the finished film is never found. Exit Eli Roth.

Present day. A whole ‘nother director hauls his cast and crew to “The Transylvanian Pleateau” in an attempt to remake the director’s lost classic. Not a good idea. Before long the entire decrepit movie set is belabored by all manner of ghostly, murderous activity. Blood drips randomly from the ceiling, there are vomit-inducing smells, some crazily overlapping camera images hamper the production, and swarms of flying bugs eat out the eyeballs of some members of the cast and crew. Not to mention the random neck growths. Despite the nonsensical plotting, the make-ups are surprisingly sloppy-good. But the whole thing doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Even Fruit seems bored, wasting oodles of time depicting the tepid arguments between producer Henry Thomas and his psycho director Marcus, who did I mention suffers from “apparitional experiences“? That‘s right. He can see ghosts and shit, Haley Joel Osment-style. The flick even sports a short-round Romanian lackey who bears a striking resemblance to James Duvall. It’s got EVERYTHING! But none of it’s good.

Official Score